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Question #1212241135Saturday, 31-May-2008
Category: INFp INFj Intertype Relations Relationship
INFp's and INFj's - how do they get along? I want to hear what y'all have to say. And please ppl, try to be objective. In socionics, the r'ship is classified as 'Quasi-Identical' and a 'relationship of misunderstanding'. Theoretically, they're not supposed to get along. But this is counter to my experience. I'm an INFp and one of my best friends is an INFj. While we disagree on trivial things (like what constitutes good art), we both value each other's insights. In fact I'm glad that there's a bit of friction b/c i think it pushes both parties to grow as individuals. Actually, i've noticed that a disproportionate majority of my close friends are INFj's. This may be b/c I'm not a prototypical INFp. Also, do y'all think that an INFj-INFp romantic style relationship could ever work? -- the Shez
Your Answers: 1+ 8+ 13+
A8 I love and respect my INFJ peers for their scholarly pursuit of knowledge, their humanitarian outlook on life, and their ethical, altruistic natures. I find philosophical conversations with them immensely satisfying, and the initial overlap in cultural, artistic, and often political interests is immediately attractive and reassuring. The INFJ feels like a true confidante, an ally for the INFP, who could stand to have more, not less, deeper relationships with the general populace. And although long-winded at times to the INFP, the INFJ's Ne is appreciated for its ability to add greater diversity and "the possibility of more possibilities" to the life of the INFP. Unfortunately, sustained long term interaction at close psychological distances never seems to pan out for the two because they eventually end up parting ways - amicably, of course, but for no less regrettably (at least in the eyes of the INFP). The only way to describe the separation is like realizing, a little too late, that one has crossed some invisible threshold that now holds the other at bay, and the only recourse to interaction is to peep at the other from time to time through a small gap in the dividing wall like some Pyramus and Thisbean lover - but I digress. If the initial bond between the two is compelling enough, the subtle dissipation of friendship invariably baffles and disappoints. The contention between the two comes from a number of differences, which I shall list here: - Fi vs Fe: When the negative, disapproving Fi feeling side of the INFJ flares up around the INFP - esp. when directed at the INFP and esp. if not anticipated through the INFP's Ni) - the INFP feels this condemnation harshly because of their preference for Fe > Fi. It is akin to a direct attack coming from a familiar pet rather than a stereotypical attack dog, making the act feel/appear far more shocking and hurtful than necessary. In contrast, the INFP is not likely to express such strong overtones of condemnation even if felt, because the INFP ultimately chooses to moderate his Fe expression so as not to hurt the equally sensitive INFJ. Let me explain this: The INFP chooses not to attack in return, not because the INFP is unable, but because: 1) the INFP would not be able to control his/her use of negative Fe, resulting in an unnecessary overload of passive-aggression prob. not warranted by the situation, and 2) the INFP simultaneously senses the need to protect the INFJ over himself/herself, which brings me to my next point... - Infantile vs. Victim: Conflicts arise here b/c the INFJ infantile occasionally expects (and often surprisingly demands) to be nurtured and protected without recognizing or acknowledging the INFP's need for the same. While both types can sympathize with one another because of their respective need for Si and Se (neither of which they are able to provide well to others much less to themselves), the INFJ invariably and unconsciously faults the INFP first for failing in this regard. The INFP may not initially complain b/c he or she sees (albeit does not entirely understand) the greater degree of need in the INFJ and is willing adopt a caregiving stance in order to play the necessary role for the INFJ's satisfaction. The INFP does not do this b/c he/she deems himself/herself to superior to the INFJ in any way, but rather, the INFP is more likely to mold himself or herself into whatever is needed to perfect and even any non-dual relationship. The truth is that the INFP can neither sustain this practice well enough without frustrating both himself or herself as well as the INFJ, who expects more consistent, if not better, help. This ultimately causes the INFP to secretly fault the INFJ for spending unnecessary time and energy concerned with saving others or the world when the INFJs ought to be putting more of a focus on taking care of themselves. But as with all types, the INFJs weaknesses are their strengths (and vice versa). To the INFP, INFJs are a paradox, giving away to others what they badly ought to be receiving themselves. Yet, the INFP realizes this very deficiency might be the source of the INFJ's great altruistic need to serve others, and therefore continues to hold the INFJ in great esteem. - Hidden Agendas: Not surprisingly, a good portion of the INFJ criticisms of the INFP (if the pair get close enough to reveal such opinions to one another) often have to do with the INFJ's hidden agenda (the need to be healthy) and their need for Si. The INFP gets faulted by the INFJ for his or her lack of concern for it, which is not an untruth. Criticism can come in the form of disparaging or off-handed comments about the INFP's size/build/weight (even healthy INFPs b/c of the diff. between the INFP build and that of the more delicate INFJ), INFP's lack of attention to general appearance/health, the poor eating habits of the INFP, esp. when compared to the more finicky eating habits and higher standards of the INFJ. While INFPs are not incapable of Si, they are not focused upon it as consistently as they ought to be. In contrast, some hidden grumblings from the INFP about the INFJ have to do with INFJ's lack of Se, which often becomes the INFP's responsibility to provide for both of them, esp. if it's just the two of them fending for themselves. This results in the INFP having to do more grunt work than he or she is typically willing to do. The INFP gets exhausted, needing some separation time to recoup energy and resources. Lastly, the hidden agenda of the INFP is a weakness in thinking, which can often result in the INFJ's criticism of the INFP for not knowing facts and information precisely enough. This is something the INFP could stand to improve on, but often lags in doing so due to the nature of the hidden agenda. The INFJ, who has less difficulty with recall, is also more willing to make up for any lack with understanding with concerted efforts to learn, read, and study well into forever, to which I say kudos to the INFJ! Make no mistake though, many INFPs hold degrees in higher education where an INFJ is readily found. - J vs. P: INFP is thought of as too flexible, unstructured, carefree, impractical, superficial, semi-profligate, and hedonistic for the INFJ's tastes. On the flip side, the INFJ is too rigid, too demanding, too particular, too puritanical, and too classical in their sensibilities for the free-flowing INFP. A6 describes this conflict well. These differences often manifest themselves in a multitude of ways from the writing and speaking styles of each type to the types of music and art that each appreciate. The INFJ is wary and distrustful of the weird, wacky, and unconventional side of the INFP, who can appear like a creative ISFP at times. INFP, in contrast, does not disparage the INFJs more classical and formal aesthetic (finding it lovely for its own sake), but does not understand the rigidity with which the INFJ uploads it as a standard-bearer for all things. More so than the INFJ, the INFP sees rules and structure as more maleable concepts to be played with for the sake of creative expression, while still respecting and acknowledging the rules as such. In conclusion: The qualities of the one inspires, refines, and sharpens the qualities of the other, but neither deems each other to be the immediate equal they initially posited each other to be. This inevitably results in a relationship where a little bit of divisiveness, tension, and subsequent jealousy emerges where initially there was none. I still admire and respect the INFJs in my life. As an idealist, I find myself wishing for relationship a little more perfect, a little more complete. This dynamic should be less "quasi" and more "identical" in order to be great, me thinks. -- Anonymous
A9 One of my friends is an Infj, and she has been my friend for a very long time. Emphasis on very. We have a lot of fun together, BUT, we don't always get along. I am an INFP, very sensitive and feeling, while it sometimes seems to be quite the opposite for her. This is because she commonly misunderstands me, and gets irritated by this. You can see where this can be a problem. Right now her and I are going through a really bad spat. I'm not sure if it will mend. -- Anonymous
A10 I'm really good friends with an INFJ guy, although we live pretty far away so mostly we talk via IM and email. We can both empathize and sympathize with each other, so we discuss our social problems with each other; we also have philosophical discussions (although these rather turn into debates. Friendly debates). We think and communicate in really different ways, which can get frustrating, but once we've translated each other it's all good and I've learned an entirely new point of view (with which I don't always agree). When taken in moderation, this relationship is fine. But if we were to see each other daily ... i don't think it'd work as well. -- INFP~
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A11 i'm infp with infj friends. we get along great, and there's an easy connection. they only thing that sticks out to me is that it feels a little too close for comfort sometimes. i think there isn't enough psychological distance to be comfortable, and it's easier to 'grate each other s nerves'. also- infjs bring out my inner flakiness, which makes me feel bad. they can feel a bit smothering to infps, and i think infjs get a little annoyed with infps too. Both personalities are opinionated too, so if they don't agree, they can get annoyed with each other. BUT- yes it's an easy friendship, and i can't help but like them. -- Anonymous
A12 INFP's are the best and I'm good friends with two of them. They are both good at expressing their creative ideas and one is an excellent writer which I really appreciate. There are differences in how we see things from time to time but almost always our ability to joke off the beaten path overcomes any sort of tension. I think these too types are fun together but they both need a break from each other from time to time. I think that's just an Introverts way to recharge. -- Anonymous
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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