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Question #1208196404Monday, 14-Apr-2008
Category: ISFj INFp Relationship
Is a relationship between a male ISFJ and a female INFP doomed to fail? I'm the INFP and my boyfriend drives me nuts with his traditionalistic rhetoric and all his talk about marriage is making me feel really suffocated. He's a wonderful man and treats me like a goddess; he worships the ground I walk on and will do anything for me. He's older and I can understand his desire for getting married, but I'm so sick of him pressuring me about it all the time. I don't want to lose our relationship because it is good in so many ways, but sometimes he gets on my nerves with his lack of ability to grasp the abstract in life. We have few similar interests and opinions and he is never interested in new information. Does anyone know of an INFP/ISFJ relationship that worked well? What are the prospects for us getting along in the future? I feel like he's the kind of person I would have nothing to say to when we're old. Am I just looking for flaws and being too idealistic that someone better is going to come along, or is this really a joke? -- Mary
Your Answers: 1+ 13+
A1 hmmm well my manager is an ISFJ and one of the female co-worker is an infp. I have never observed them enough to know their isfj/infp relationship. But at times I can sense her feeling euporhia he they talk. I say this because she acts quite different to him than anybody else, and its not becuase he is the manager. I can see her geniuely want to engage in talks with him. normally i dont see her get so excited when she talks to other people, and it seems like when he speaks, she is able to give a strong feedback with a higher pitch of voice than she nomally has. One time, I even ask her how she thinks of him and she would tell me that he is a nice guy, but can be a little mean...(maybe she said that becuase he is our manger afterall and in retail you have to be a little tough on your employees). she didn't give me much details but it does seem like it is indeed a benefit relationship between them two on the surface. -- Jas
A2 In general, I feel that any type can work together if both sides are willing to try hard to work at it. However, that doesnt mean that we're fit for everyone. In your case, if you're unhappy in the relationship, it might not necessarily be because of your personality types. It could be because you are in different stages in our life at the moment and what he wants is not necessarily what you want. Have you tried voicing how you feel about his constant mention of marriage or the fact that he seems like he's not open to new ideas? Open communication is always best. There's a chance he might realize this is how he's coming off to you. -- Anonymous
A3 I'm an INFP and I can totally relate with what you asked: " Am I just looking for flaws and being too idealistic that someone better is going to come along" Before you consider ending this relationship keep in mind that you will probably always have that in the back of your mind because you're an INFP. Also, I think INFPs tend to be "doomsday" about everything, but ESPECIALLY relationships. Your relationship is only doomed if you decide it is. With that said, I am married to an INTJ. I love and hate that he is so stable, logical, and calm. He is and N so I can talk to him about most of my thoughts and he is on the same page with me which means so much to me! Emotionally I have a hard time connecting though sometimes. But he has been able to handle my dark moodswings and my "doomsday" side. My sister is an ISFJ and I adore her.. she has a strong N side too though so I can talk to her too. I love that I can connect with her emotionally, and she is calm and practical. Where INFPs are passionate about people/life, they have a hard time actually expressing it. I find my sister is very in tune with other people and very "others" oriented, where I am "me" centered. I dated an ESFJ in high school and he was so fun! But when the relationship couldn't go any deeper, and he didn't even realize it, so I eneded it and it was hard, but I did get past it. ISFJs are very loyal, but that can be suffocating. It's up to you to decided! There is no set in stone answer because relationships are so fluid. Decided what you need the most, and remember there is no "perfect" mate. -- Anonymous
A4 I don't feel it's right to comment somehow, but however, they aren't the best relations to have, and also-reading between the lines of your post, does not strike me as someone who wants to make a commitment with this man. Socionics aside, would you be happy getting married to him? Would he be happy not getting married? -- Anonymous
A5 You will always be as suffocated and lonely in this relationship as you are now. Nothing will change if you marry him. As you said, "We have few similar interests and opinions and he is never interested in new information....I feel like he's the kind of person I would have nothing to say to when we're old." I am an INFp with an ISFj husband and yes, he loves me very much and he means well, but he doesn't "get" me. He never will. If you do decide to break it off, be prepared for an impassioned plea to stay together. He will play the martyr and try to make you feel guilty. Remember that you're only doing what's best for both of you. Understand that with ISFj it's all or nothing. If you really want to stay with him, marry him, but you cannot just be friends. -- Anonymous
A6 These are all great comments and I thank you all so much! Very helpful advice and a lot of you have confirmed things I was thinking or encouraged me. I really appreciate it. -- -Mary
A7 AS and ISFJ, I'd say that generally the attraction between ISFJs and INTPs is strong but the relationship never quite works out. -- Anonymous
A8 I am a female INFP who is in a relationship with a wonderful ISFJ male. I think that such a relationship can definitely work - but I realize that my situation may be somewhat different from yours, since my boyfriend is extremely intuitive and flexible. For a while, I actually thought he was an INFP like me! Strangely enough, that - among other factors - actually kept me from dating him for over two years. When I realized his real personality type, our differences began to make sense, and I realized the beauty in a lot of things that I had frankly found really annoying before. Because he was very good at interacting with me on my level and is very insightful, it was easy to misunderstand him. I just thought we were too much alike in some ways to ever date. On the other hand, his ISFJ tendencies did come out strongly. For example, since he was interested in me way before I began to return his affections, I sometimes felt smothered by his constant attentions and devotion. I told him this, and that he needed to give me my space if we were going to keep being close friends. It was hard to work through, but we kept at it and were extremely close friends for two and a half years before I finally said yes to dating him. Best relationship decision I've ever made! I am happier with him than I have ever been with anyone else. I used to think that I needed excitement (in forms that tended toward emotional manipulation by NT men, especially INTJ's) in a relationship and that he wouldn't be able to give it to me. Now I realize that there is enough emotional turmoil in the world that I need to deal with, and that constancy and devotion do not equal a lack of spontaneity and fun, at least with my ISFJ. As for marriage, I know that's what he's aiming for, and he knows that it will be a little while before I'm ready for that. Luckily, he's one of the most patient people I know, and I am an INFP who values the sacred nature of the marriage vow (I'm a devout Catholic), and who really does want to get married - someday. Anyway, it has worked out amazingly well for us - all of our friends joke that we are a fairy-tale perfect couple, and it seems to be really coming true so far. It took a lot for us to get there, but it was definitely worth the work and the wait. So, I would say, if you and he are able to honestly and openly work through your differences, and if he is willing to try to come to understand your world of intuition and will value and respect it even if he can't share it totally, that it could work. Otherwise, I do see how you could end up feeling unfulfilled. Good luck! -- Anonymous
A9 I am an infp in a relationship with an isfj. Boy is it sloooow going. A8 I think it's interesting that you spent two and a half years becoming close friends before actually dating. My isfj can go one week easily without communicating and it kills me to go more than a day or two. When we are together it is awesome, it's the time between that is hard. Am I being unrealistic in this dynamic? He tells me he loves me and wants to get closer and run away with me, but doesn't get how much I want him to spend more time with me. We've been together for about 6months now. Is it really going to take another two years of this before we get to a level that I would prefer? Yikes! Anyone have any insight on this? -- Anonymous
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A10 I know an ISFJ male that I (I am an ENFP female) have gotten to know quite well on a friendship basis. It appears to me that he is incapable of sustaining close contact for more that a couple of days at a time, and then he will back off for a lengthy period.... And, he goes off on the weekends with his friends as often as possible to avoid spending a lot of time with his wife. I could never deal with that myself, but I guess if you were fairly introverted it might work. So yes, I think at least some ISFJ's function better with a LOT of space in their relationships. -- Anonymous
A11 ISFj and INFp are both "responding" types, so no one wants really to take initiative, ISFj even less yet than INFp. ISFjs particularly expect the other one takes the initiative as they feel much better in a "statu quo" situation they already know. -- piccolo_michel
A12 That makes a lot of sense - thank you A10 and A11!!! Sooooo...how do I get an isfj out of his comfort zone and into a new "status quo"??? I'm afraid if I back off, he'll back off. I also think if I'm too pushy, he'll back off. I'm starting to think I think too much!!!!! I don't want to manipulate him but if anyone can share some tips I'd be grateful - thanks. -- Anonymous
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