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Question #1202117387Monday, 4-Feb-2008
Category: INTj ESFj Relationship Duality Love
I am an INTj who has found himself quite smitten with a certain ESFj. However, our relationship is still in that early Duality stage where I assume she's too good for me, and she assumes (as far as I can tell) that I'm not all that interesting. Given those things, what would her reaction be if I just out of the blue asked her out? Would it be the disaster I fear it would? If so, any other suggestions? -- Anonymous INTj
Your Answers: 1+
A1 I would really like to see some good answers about how to make an INTj pass the fear of disater when asking a girl out, or for a dance for that matter. -- Another Amomynous INTj
A2 A1, I almost had an angle of advice , but then became intruiged (sorry ) .. Would you say that INTj's are more scared of this 'disaster' than others? (aka - rejection isn't really *anyones* ideal cup of tea) I was not aware of this I thought it was INTp's who had the more major issues with the 'asking' and what have you? -- Cyclops
A3 asking out somebody, has alot to do with instituting a 'value psychology'...saying 'if u knew u wanted it, or knew to want it'...well u saw u could not get it,..even when u chased after it in other types. well it is here and more. Get this right. a girl is still a girl, u have to 'ting' these bells. if u fail now, who cares...there is next time... do approximate for those 'girl psychology values'. Cyclops, u said u have an INTP older brother. How many INT's do u know, and why are u so blatantly on our territory. Who said society tends to give it's members ADD (attention deficit disorder). well it suits me. I really don't like the sigmas appropriated on the INT suit... if equal had to be visited to other types that war would end badly. If we had to enter an honest phase, these INT problems come from the following...'in the initial learning phase...these INT's have models' this breaks -- @sirac
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A4 Even if I found INTp are even more scared than INTj that wouldn't do too good for me. Well, actually I am passed the asking out stage of my life (married with kid) but I was a real mess back in the days. -- INTj from A1
A5 @sirac, I know several INTp's and they are good to reasonable friends, why do you ask. Also, since when did advice become your territory. Re ADD, no one said that to my current knowledge, so you have a chip on your shoulder. -- Cyclops
A6 I am an INTj who is with an ESFj. Been partners for about 7 years now. The way it went during our courting phaze was that I just acted like a perfect gentleman, and usually tried to have something interesting to talk about or something interesting to do. Often I would be doing something that I found interesting and practically ignore her until she got curious and asked what it was. At which point I would happily explain what I am doing and it would lead into good conversation. By the time we finally got together, it was her chasing me around. Asking her out might not be the best course. In fact, it could ruin what chances you DO have by forcing a decision or opinion of you before she has had time to come to one on her own. My advice is don't force the issue. Just entertain her and if she comes after you, awesome. If she doesn't, you haven't ended up looking like a fool, or even worse, pushed her away by expressing emotions and desires that she isn't ready to reciprocate. Entice her, don't scare her away. If she starts to show signs that she likes you, great, but don't rush it. Just continue doing whatever you are doing that is working. When you are SURE that she likes you, then will be the time to have the serious "feelings" talk. Oh, and one more word of advice. Try not to say "I think..." so much. When communicating with ESFj, try instead to phrase your expressions as "I feel like..." Just pretend you are on Jeopardy and all your answers must be in the form of a question. It doesn't change the message, but it changes how it is received. Good luck -- Anonymous
A7 Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson; prime example of INTj/ESFj duality? -- Anonymous
A8 @A6 - Thank you, that was exactly the sort of detailed answer I was hoping for. Your advice is much appreciated. I am not optimistic about my chances this way, given the infrequency of our interaction of late, but at least you've given me a plan of action to organise my thoughts on the matter. I'd rather believe an uncomfortable truth than a comforting lie, or even worse, not know what to believe. I can't thank you enough. @A7 - By Jove, I think you're right. How could I not have noticed that before? -- Anonymous INTj in Love
A9 @A6 - I've been thinking about your answer, and have come to some interesting conclusions. First, something that's always confused and annoyed me is that every time I'm around this certain ESFj, I feel very childish and insecure. I have concluded that this must be a result of trying to figure out her feelings for me, and if possible influence them somehow, ie, relying too much on my suggestive function (Fe), which I'm told results in those exact feelings of childishness. Your advice to "practically ignore her" and do something I find interesting would in effect cause me to stop relying on my suggestive function, and start using my main and secondary functions, Ti and Ne, where I would be operating from my area of confidence. It's brilliant. -- --Anonymous INTj in Love
A10 A7 - based on the Spider Man movies, I would type Peter Parker as NF, probably INFp. I'm not sure if Tobey Maguire is an INFp in real life. I think INFp-ESTp would be more likely if you insist on a dual relationship but I wouldn't necessarily type MJ as ESTp. -- econdude
A11 'Just pretend you are on Jeopardy and all your answers must be in the form of a question.' LOL, like in 'The 40 yr old virgin' -- S
A12 A6 I like your point of view and might try it myself one day. A10 Tobey Maguire seems ISFJ (alert look) and MJ seems ENFJ to me. -- infp girl
A13 @ A8 I ditto your message in every way. I wouldn't say I'm "in love" exactly, but only because the girl hasn't responded to my messages yet on okcupid.com and love in the intimate sense of the term must be a two way road. I fear I may have already committed the big no-no of expressing my emotions in the first message. I told her I liked her beautiful brown eyes and could stare at them for hours. X/ She still has yet to respond, and seems to be ignoring my messages. I have only sent 2 to her though. Is there anyway I can redeem myself? P.S. She changed her status to "Seeing Someone" after the first time she logged on after my first message to her. I suspect that she only did that because she thought I was creepy. =( -- Dragifon (INTJ!!!!!!!!!!) XD
A14 I think this is very young and unexperienced INTJ. I'm INTJ always ask girls without blink of my eye as so my ESFJ. INTJ work on his weaknesses and by time he dominate all the issues the best. -- INTJ
A15 You run very, very fast from ESFjs, my good man. -- Anonymous
A16 A9- this finally makes sense to me. -- Anonymous
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