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Question #1200983527Tuesday, 22-Jan-2008
Category: ESTp INFp Duality Relationship Advice
I am an INFP female, SERIOUSLY interested in an ESTP male, my duality. I liked him before I found out he was my dual. And then only dual I know. Now, I am extreamly interested in him. But I am afraid he doesn't really notice me. We have only recently started speaking more. And he is really great ^_^. But I do not believe that I stand a chance with him. How can I get him to notice me? And how can I make him realize that I am not as boring as I seem? -- INFP awesome
Your Answers: 1+ 14+ 21+
A14 I'm an INFP female who was married to an ESTP male for 10 years. This wasn't a good match, and with every fiber in my being, I recommend that you do not pursue this personality matchup. Initally we were very attracted to one another, although I think I was more so than him. I'm sort of a librarian type, and he's very adventurous. He became a commercial pilot while we were married. I found his sense of adventure exciting. He forced me to take more risks, and I was always forcing him to be more cautious. I'm an ideas person, and he is a do'er, so I came up with the ideas, and he jumped in head first and got it done. I'm good in English and he in math, so I corrected his term papers, and he balanced the checkbook. In these ways we complemented each other. Our area of most difficulty was that we came at our problems from very different angles. I wanted fairness, and he wanted to win. I would try to find solutions that would make us both happy, and nothing mattered more to him than winning and being in control. When we had a disagreement, he would say whatever he had to to win the argument. Truthfulness was irrelevant to him - he had to win at all costs. I'm very easy going, as INFPs are, so most of the time I just let him have his way, and then he would be happy. But at times I felt what he wanted was immoral or wrong, and I would dig my heels in the sand and refuse. He was always shocked that I could be so easygoing and then "out of the blue" be so strong willed. That always led to domestic violence. He had to win at all costs, even if it meant punching me. He was also very opportunistic. He didn't just have affairs - he had them with human resource managers (yes, that's meant to be pleural) while he was stealing from the company. He has always been very manipulative and cunning. I never saw it in the beginning because it just didn't occur to me that someone could think the way he does. I was blindsided by many of the manipulative things he did. Once I started figuring him out, I became extremely lonely. I realized that I was in love with the person I wanted him to be and not who he really was. He was completely unable to comprehend much of my core beliefs. I told him once that I wanted to work with special needs children, and he said, "That's because you want to be seen as better than everyone else." As an INFP, it is a fundamental need to do something that makes the world a little better, and he could only see this need through his ESTP eyes. Being misunderstood became a daily problem for me, and I was frustrated most of the time. He moved out after yet another friend came to me and told me that he had tried to get her to have sex with him. The only thing that entered my head was, "My family won't be mad at me for divorcing him if he's having an affair." After 10 years, I felt absolutely no pain at the thought of him cheating on me with one of my best friends. Once he realized that I didn't care, he became so angry that he called all of our family members and told them that I was the one having an affair. He had to win - and this is how he tried to do it. He moved out almost 5 years ago, and I've never looked back. There hasn't been a single day that I have missed him, and I will never, never consider being with another ESTP again. -- Wallflower
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A15 Hah, it wasn't on the basis of one person. I've actually met quite a few ESTps in my life...and yeah, definitely not the type I'd want to date. -- A12
A16 I am so sorry to hear that, Wallflower! Your story just confirmed my biggest fear about our ESTP dual. I should be all the more concerned by your cautionary tale because I just met an ESTP male recently who seems to have taken an interest in me. I was utterly unaware of his presence when he plucked me off the sidewalk to introduce himself. At the time the only think I could think was, "damn, this guy can 'read' his environment and act on his gut instincts in less than a minute", which is so unlike my space-cadet self. Due to my , I intuitively knew it would be safest to hold him at bay for as long as I could, and I did to the best of my ability. However, my first date with him was the fastest I've ever been on - going from coffee to major TMI in under an hour(to his credit, that may have been too slow for him). It took me two days to process that state he put me in approx. 15 - 20 minutes. Sure he's exciting, but man is he the biggest male slut I've ever met. Kinda makes me HIGHLY apprehensive in spite of whatever attraction I have to his . Frightening stuff, this duality, lol. Why must it be so opposing, spectrum-wise? -- Anonymous
A17 Be very alert. VERY. My ESTp dad and INFp mom endured decades of chronic marriage hell (and as a by-product, inflicted needless and very heavy misery on their ENFj daughter and INFj son). I'm not saying that their problems were exclusively about type issues, but without question personality orientations and disorientations played a significant role in the decay and destruction. Here's is what I would suggest you be very clear about: ESTps "care" about people, but they also care about a nice ham sandwhich - and at the same level. I'm not saying that ESTps can't love others, but their concept of love is typically very superficial; most 'love songs' by crooners and stuff are all sung by ESTps (as far as I'm concerned) who delude themselves, and others, into thinking they know all about love. They don't. They know about LIKE and about FEELING GOOD, and they think that this is love. As such, they can - and do - fall 'in love' with all kinds of things and this often includes other people or, often just as hellishly, other 'ideas' - one day they love computers, the next day they love fishing, the next day they love 'plastics' and the next day they want to open a porn shop in your garage. Know what I mean? The problem with all of this, is that INFps are deeeeeeply in need of someone to REALLY love them. I mean REALLY. And this is something that ESTps simply cannot provide - period. ESTp love is typically very shallow and, unless they go through a crisis and emerge as mature people (which doesn't happen to many of them), they remain superficial their whole life, talking about love, telling everyone that they love them (e.g. the waitress, their mother, their country, their enemy), but they just don't "get it." The other problem to watch out for - and I can't be really diplomatic about this - is that INFps are very drawn to material things; more than they want to admit to themselves. They are very decadent - they want 'nice things' and nice things cost money. ESTps are good with money, because they always have several different scams going and they're perfect for the corporate world, which is always looking for someone to play the angles (e.g. the guy who sets up the dummy front company is almost always an ESTp). INFps like the lifestyle that ESTps provide in terms of money (because it means the INFp doesn't really have to go out into the often cruel world and they can just 'hover' around their places of interest...the museum..the library...organic grocery stores...etc.). So it becomes a very ugly problem: the INFp likes the ESTp as a provider, but doesn't like the ESTp as a lover (because there is no real love there - ESTps are famous for always saying "we will always be friends" even after a divorce, because that's all they ever were in the first place with their spouse: a friend. Bottom line: the 'duality' concept here on Socionics works - and I think it does - when both types are MATURE and INTEGRATED. A 'healthy high functioning' ESTP and a 'healthy high functioning' INFP would, I really believe, be a blissful couple and probably energize each other in utterly fantastic ways. BUT this assumes that both types are healthy and functioning - a BIG assumption. You need to bear this in mind before you decide that just because a relationship is 'dual' that it is going to be good. I'd sooner argue that a socionics 'conflict' relationship has a much better chance of lasting and being great, provided that both people were self-aware, then a 'dual' relationship between people who aren't. Good luck. -- Anonymous
A18 If you really like this person, there must be some kind of activity you both enjoy, so, tell the person you like outdoor activities, music, sports, or whatever else you think you both like, and if they catch on, that's great, and if not, maybe you can still talk or hang out once in a while? Sorry, that's the best advice I have! -- econdude
A19 Hey, I didnt take time to read all the posts...so if i repeat people im sorry. Im an ENFP and two of my best friends are my duals. My friend(being the introvert)acknowledged that he felt the same way you do with your extroverted dual.(he felt i was almost superior and didnt recognize him). This is most likely not true at all, and the extroverted partner probably really enjoys your company and stability a lot. Maybe you should N (intution) and be more extroverted and tell him how you feel and not us...haha. good luck -- ENFP
A20 Hi, Im a INFP, im currently dating an ESTP. At the start i thought he was dickish and i dont like poeple that are mean for no reason, so i admit i was Horrible to him. Why we kept talking i dont no, but im greatful for it because it turned out he just likes to talk himslef up and underneath is a really sweet person. He is truthful, and i need the truth. He is good with accounts, i have no idea what im doing He is wordly, im naive Deep down i think he needs reasurance, i believe in him and so it goes on. and vice vera. But like all relationships you have to be willing to compromise. You cant just say you are a duality pair and then put no effort in. He likes to win, so i like trying to beat him and dont mind loosing if he can win. He likes to cuddle constantly, so i like to no that he cares for me. Every cloud has its silver linning So to answer your question. Be yourself. He will love you for it. -- The Idealist, or in my opinion Hopeful
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