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Question #1200983527Tuesday, 22-Jan-2008
Category: ESTp INFp Duality Relationship Advice
I am an INFP female, SERIOUSLY interested in an ESTP male, my duality. I liked him before I found out he was my dual. And then only dual I know. Now, I am extreamly interested in him. But I am afraid he doesn't really notice me. We have only recently started speaking more. And he is really great ^_^. But I do not believe that I stand a chance with him. How can I get him to notice me? And how can I make him realize that I am not as boring as I seem? -- INFP awesome
Your Answers: 1+ 14+ 21+
A1 I think you have it backwards...INFp are the really interesting ones. -- Anonymous
A2 ESTp's don't usually experience a strong, lasting 'romantic' or 'sexual' attraction to INFp's. They value your viewpoints, bask in your , and appreciate your ability to meet them toe-to-toe intellectually, but it rarely evolves into anything more than "platonic plus" (at the ESTp's convenience, if you allow them to exploit the situation). ESTp feels affectionate, bonded and drawn toward INFp, but rarely ever due to lust or infatuation. The INFp will always be significant, but most likely never become the long-term "significant other". ESTp's are usually romatically/physically drawn to types with as a dominant or creative function since it provides the excitement they crave. The INFp is wound up by the ESTp's but the ESTp is calmed down by the INFp's . The INFp's spark never ignites real passion in the ESTp. This dual pair is truly "companionship love". I'd advise finding an activity partner (ISTj). -- zenbrat
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A3 A2 - Are you saying that everyone in the beta quadra should pursue an ISTj, except for ISTj, who would choose from any of the other three types in his/her quadra (INFp, ESTp, and dual ENFj)? (Maybe you are you an ISTj?!?) My idea is that it's very easy for duals to love each other soon after they meet because they have the talk style that each desires and is always looking for. For example, with the beta quadra, there's a certain bawdiness and naturalness to their interaction. Also, duals do not see each others' weakness as real weaknesses because the thing that one dual sturggles with is the area that the other dual handles easily. As a result, duals don't see each others' problems as being as difficult as they are to the individual dual. For example, INFp has trouble seeing her self worth, but this is small potatoes to ESTp, who is good at seeing others usefulness and making himself useful and successful. ESTp has trouble seeing others' pain, but INFp is overwhelmed by seeing her own pain and that of others, so when ESTp says things that indicate his oblivousness to others' suffering, INFp feels like he's an innocent litte baby and that she loves him dearly and finally understands monogamy and marriage, which never really made much sense before. INFp needs to understand why she does everything; marriage is no exception. Perhaps INFps should live a solitary life if ESTps are not interested in them. This can also be enjoyable! -- learning
A4 I was recommending ISTj for INFp (in Relations of Activity) since ISTj's are slow to commit but more willing to do so over the long term than ESTp. ISTj's are also more stable in their commitments. (ISTj is not an 'activity' partner for any other member of Beta but INFp.) I have 4 experiences with duals and was raised by an ESTp father and grandfather - duality isn't magical, nor is it effortless. Conflicts and misunderstandings can occur just as often as they do in any other relationship. But, it has less 'damage potential' than conflicts with conflicting types. Also, ESTp's actually have a very fragile sense of self worth which requires *constant* reinforcement from the environment. INFp's are strong at heart; ESTp's are soft at heart. It just looks like the opposite from the outside. -- zenbrat
A5 on these forums u should know how to fight and argue. if u can't u lost. take everything with more than a pinch of salt. cool INFPawesome -- @sirac
A6 If you ask me, I don't even see why ESTps and INFps would be attracted to each other. It makes pretty much no sense at all. I'm an INFp and I personally could never be attracted to an ESTp. I'm much more into ESFjs and ENFjs. -- Anonymous
A7 On the surface, ESTp's are the antithesis of what I would have normally considered 'dating material'. You have to get to know the person under the performance - that is where you find the stuff of duality. It takes a long time to really get to know INFp's and ESTp's. I've never reached the "I no longer want to strangle you" stage until about 12-18 months; that 'breaking in' period is pretty rough for this pair but something keeps bringing you back for more... -- zen, again
A8 A4 - I understood that you meant ISTj would be suitable for INFp as a "activity" partner, but I assumed you aslo meant ISTj would be suitable for ESTp since ISTjs have extroverted sensing. Anyway, maybe because you are used to interacting with ESTps you are less aware of how therapeutic they can be for an INFp if they are mutually attracted. Maybe duality does feel magical or other-worldly to some people. I hope that most adults are aware that no relationship is effortless. @A5 - I'm not arguing with anyone. Just saying (most of) what's in my head. It's called being myself. @ A6 - I already mentioned why INFp is attracted to ESTp in my post at A3. ESTps talk to people like they already know them and INFp likes this because she wants people to know her, but often feels like a "stranger," even to people close to her. (Maybe most people feel this way.) Also, ESTp doesn't talk to INFp like she's stupid, or try too hard to spare her feelings. Conversation is frank, more conducive to understanding (INFp's h.a.). -- learning
A9 Also in reaction to A4, but after A7 was posted... My perception of ESTp is that they seem to think they deserve and are good enough for the "good things" in life (such as entrance to a competitive university) and will pursue them more than INFp, who may doubt that they can attain those things, or are worthy of those things. That's at least part of what I mean when I say that INFps don't see their self worth as well as ESTps see theirs. A4 says ESTps have a fragile sense of self worth. I think you may be referring to their h.a., to be loved. They doubt that they can be loved, so they may seek a lot of reassurance that they are loved or are worthy of love. -- learning
A10 I'm an INFP male, and I've often wondered if my ESTP dual would really be the best match. At first glance, it just doesn't seem like it would be a good fit at all- how could I possibly relate to someone so different? Sure, all the relationships of duality are constructed the same, but here I'm Mr. Subjective to the max and they would be Ms. Objective to the max (except that "p" denotes a introvered world view). And does "Ms. Objectivity" really make that much sense anyway? But when I started getting into the functions, what they REALLY mean, how they relate, and so on, I realized that these duality relationships must be INTENSE. When you're together, you're strengths flow into eachother such that you create a combined conscious block of all strengths that can create in all directions, and this is also mirrored unconsiously. It's just immaculate. But, yes, are we even on the ESTp radar? -- Joseph
A11 Joseph, I think so. I have observed a male ESTp making an effort to spend time together with female INFp. And they did so, despite her being married. How the ESTp took interest in her was through a common interest. The interest was pretty simple..they supported the same football (soccer) team. He approached her due to common interest, she latched on to his bold ESTp attempts with flattery. They would even spend most of weekend together due to travelling to away games. Now I observed that the INFp eventually had the upper hand with him..ie eventually she was the one with the aces..not the initial ESTp 'taker and grabber' I found this extremely fascinating to watch. So if you want an ESTp..there is an example to see how to get one! -- Cyclops
A12 I've only been attracted to one ESTp in more than a friend way...and anyways it seems like most ESTps I know have pretty much nothing in common with me at all. Sure, we can talk, be on good terms...but even as a bestfriend? Yeah, I really don't see it. -- Anonymous
A13 A12 I presume you are INFp? And you've made you mind up on with an what all people are like on the basis of one person? I'm not ESTp but I'd like to think someone made their mind up about me *after* they met me. Surely you must realise that no relation will start without common interest. These for example can be job, sport, a hobby, mutual sexual attraction. These are how relations start. But what happens when you get to the point of being used to someone? Do you both realise you are fundamentally different? Or perhaps you realise you need each other internally and externally- this person is your dual. -- Cyclops
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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