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Question #1198747919Thursday, 27-Dec-2007
Category: ESFp INTp Relationship Advice
I'm a definitely-ESFP gal who's pretty smitten for a definitely-INTP guy. We've been dating for about 6 months, although two-thirds of that has been long distance (we're 3 hours away during the school year), and not yet in love but completely taken with each other. Being duals with shared interests and values, we get along exceptionally well. Our only issue, for the record, has been in the I/E difference (I'm a strong E and he's a strong I). He "gets energy" from being alone and I feel nearly-neglected at times. But we've had a clear, honest conversation recently about that difference, and agreed to work together to find a balance, a compromise we're both happy with. My question is, what can I do to help him get closer to me, since INTPs tend to shy away from strong emotional attachments? Is there anything to keep in mind, anything I can say or show, or anything to definitely not do? Disclaimer: I DO NOT want to manipulate him into anything in any way, shape, or form. I just want him to be as comfortable as possible in our relationship (he has a hard time 'being a boyfriend', he says, because he feels inward pressure that a boyfriend should spend more time with his girlfriend then he feels like spending. He also assures me that 'dating me' is completely different from 'spending time with me' in his head), and I want him to be able to fall in love as easily as possible when/if the time comes, should he want to and allow himself to. Thanks in advance! -- Lena
Your Answers: 1+
A1 No one "gets energy" from being alone! This is stupid myth created by MBTI people. You get energy from food and healthy lifestyle helps not to waste it. -- Anonymous
A2 I think INTp's tend to, by their own nature, not to be particulary social creatures, so I would say Leena that your boyfriend really is making a concerted effort to develop that relation with you. I find that, although INTp's can at a distance, appear to reject certain social interactions, and appear to be a bit 'sarcastic' or 'pessimistic' and to pour cold water on various things, once they do finally let their guard down, they are exceptionally kind, trusting and very loving - this is tied in I think with eventually coming to terms with their over there hidden agenda which is 'to love'. So I would say it just takes time, so therefore hang in there Leena-if the relation keeps going, you will get everything you want from him..and maybe more I reckon ! (I bet you can already perceive this ability in him !) -- Cyclops (istp)
A3 A1, she doesnt mean that type of energy. As an INFP, i get exhausted from being around people, and it is reviving and comforting for me to spend time at home alone, reading or studying. Not in the biological way, in the psychological way, like i just cant deal with people anymore. And Lena, i agree with A2, he is trying and when he is emotionally-exhausted and doesnt feel like spending time, maybe try just being together, even if your not talking. If you like to read or write, or even watch tv, if you are in the same room but not activily interacting, thats the sort of thing i can handle when i want to be alone. Its the tiresome talking and carrying on. Talk to him about it, it sounds like he si really trying. -- Piscula (infp)
A4 shy away from 'strong emotional attachments' which get them nowhere... like is said here.. u may want to class the spend 'together' times into,, interaction and non-interacting together times. (for those times, it would be helpful for you to know that what the intp sees as valuable, is the ability to forward direct... that is bring enough material necassity or whatever to the table to continue the motion... oh, about your own emotional behaviour, it is necassary for u to know that the intp mind fills the silences, in normal 'emotional atmosphere' a intp might sense the mixed consertedness of Nf or sT, and seeing in timing something to Late or Early to benefit from there planning fortitude. inthis, your SF motions give the correct spacing for the intp to keep involved). oh the rest will happen, just keep yourself happy and healthy... anything else to be answered? (do u see potential that they may be answered with the demonstrated alogorithim)? -- @sirac
A5 @A1: HAHAHA! That was funny! Don't worry, I understood ur joke! -- Anonymous
A6 You have to be persistent in grabbing his attention. He's going to be flattered by your attempts. -- yogurt (INTP)
A7 Lena, Trust is the key work here. If your INTP guy is able to completly trust you, it will open the door that you are hoping to open. Well at least that is true if the genders were reversed, perhaps it is different for INTP guys. I know a few ESFP guys and even though I get them, and we generally get along really well, I have trouble trusting them. Why. well they have a "girl" in every port, even though they talk quite a bit about how they want marriage and children (no there is nothing wrong with looking around, as long as you are not messing around, make things clear from the start). I don't know if ESFP females behave this way. INTP's generally shy away from emotional attachments, because once we are attached that is usually it. Breaking the attachment is extremling difficult and painful. -- INTP
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A8 It hasn't happened YET? Maybe you guys are really just friends and will one day realize it. It sounds like the sexual attraction between you just isn't strong enough, which honestly is a very important element in a relationship for all gamma types. -- Anonymous
A9 Don't listen to A8, who obviously doesn't know a thing about INTPs. Lena, you are doing absolutely everything right and you are already on your way. The fact that you mention that you guys had a reasonable talk about your issues, and that he was able to admit he has trouble with doing 'boyfriend things' means he's starting to trust you and open up. Just remember that whatever you see on the outside is the tip of the iceburg in terms of his feelings. Any consideration and act of affection he does give, you can go ahead and multiply that by ten as an indicator of his actual feelings. I promise you, he appreciates you a lot. We INTPs know we can be difficult for others, because a big part of communication hinges on knowing others' feelings, but we have difficulties expressing our feelings, and sometimes even recognizing them. Not many people are willing to get to know us or accept the fact that we have a hard time interacting with others, which if we run into this problem often enough can build up our shells even further than natural INTP levels, and make us feel ashamed. So when we find people who do, we appreciate it a lot. I can't tell you how much. And it's true, we have a strong desire to love, even though we don't understand it very much. We feel similarly about being extroverted. We don't understand it, but it obviously makes other people happy, so we sort of want to be extroverted, or at least comfortable in that kind of atmosphere, it's just extremely difficult for us and when we fail it can make us hole-up even more. I don't think you need to change what you are doing, keep on as you are and he'll come around eventually. In terms of making him to more extroverted things, I suggest inviting him to things he'll find interesting, even if it might not be the usually thing you might do, like going to museums or book signings or conventions. I'm not sure what his interests are, but something along those lines. Make sure his experiences are all good ones and he'll get more bold, more used to it. the main reasons we don't like being extroverted 1) the fear of being rejected and not included even when we are there 2) the fear it'll be a boring and a waste of out time. If you can make it reasonably interesting for him, and keep him included, I'll bet he'll come around. Remember too, that INTPs are hesitant to say "I love you" even if they feel it, so don't expect him to say it anytime soon, it's nothing personal. It's not even a reflection of how he feels. We just have to be certain before we'll say it. Absolutely certain beyond a shadow of a doubt. We put lot of value and reverence in love, so it's not something we'll confess to lightly. We wouldn't want to tell you we do, only to realize we don't, that would make us feel terrible to have lead you on, because like I said, love to us is sacred. And like I said, we have trouble understanding our own feelings when it comes to love, so that can take a while for us to be certain enough to be comfortable saying it. So in other words, you're doing really well, keep it up, I really hope you two are very happy. I hope I can find an ESFP one day. -- An INTP female
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