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Question #1194534366Thursday, 8-Nov-2007
Category: Benefit and Supervision Intertype Relations INTp ISTj
I don't like relations of benefit when I'm the beneficiary. I'm an INTP with an ISTJ father. He patronizes me and it annoys me that he doesn't listen to me. He can see only my weakness but not my strengths. His pointing out of my weak areas makes me insecure. That sucks! Has anyone ever experienced anything simmilar? -- yogurt
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A1 I feel your pain. I also know some ornery ISTJs that are like that. I have been humiliated, bullied, and patronized growing up with an ISTJ "authory figure". As a kid, I couldn't help but think I would have more freedom in a prison boot camp for wayward kids. Some people never change execpt that they get older and eventually they will step off from a brain embolism at 53. -- ENTP
A2 I too have an ISTJ father and I hate him. Is it just me, or do all ISTJs tend to be verbally abusive? -- DustBunny
A3 I have a brother whome I beilieve is an ISTJ, his verbal abusive behavior comes from his own insecurities, also they are just able to find you weak points, my brother can meet a complet stranger, and know how to throw a verbal gut blow. I find that if I stand up to him, or come with a good comback I can usually get a smirk out of him, and he will leave me alone. Although granted he is my younger brother and not my parent. I have and uncle that may also be ISTP and it is a bit tougher for me to deal with him. Although he has been through alot and he isn't as difucult to be around. Try different ways of dealing with his patronizing attiudes, yes it will be tough if you pick the wrong one and he come at you even worse, but eventually you will find the right method. Well that and distance, if you spend quality time with them once in a while, you do better too. Also try doing something for him (her) that you know they would apreciate, that they do not expect. This apeases ISTJ like you wouldn't believe. -- INTP
A4 my youngest sister is an INTP and our dad is an ISTJ. they get along pretty well though. maybe my dad just makes the effort to appreciate my complex, highly-cerebral INTP sister. he even disclosed to my INTJ brother and I (an ENTP) that he wants to throw a party for my sister's 18th birthday in the form of an art exhibit (she's a very excellent children's book illustrator at 15). however, when my sister started getting engrossed in art he was pretty apprehensive. he still had to subtly nudge her never to stray from her initial dream of becoming a chemical engineer. that was back then. being the INTP my sister is, she still intends to do both art and science. win-win sitch. -- Anonymous
A5 oh god...relations of benefit. tell me bout it. this coming from an INFP with an ISFJ mother. i feel your pain, i feel your pain...well, it's prob a very different scenario, but w/ the same outcome of feeling unvalued and 'never good enough'. i'm still trying to find a long-term solution...i've noticed that i can get along better w my parent if i act more outgoing, repeat her dialogue back to her, and ask a lot of concrete questions (where, when, what, who, how). this isn't hard for me, but then again i have Fe as a secondary functn. might not work for you...unless perhaps you're already borderline intra-extraversion. My advice: when he points out your weak spots, don't take it hard. learn to laugh at yourself. or make some sarcastic comment that trivialises the criticism, a la Laurelai Gilmore (ENFJ) on Gilmore Girls way of handling her highly ISTJ mother. take quiet delight in ****ing him off! when it comes to getting someone to listen to you, i've found that in general, it helps to first communicate back to them their point of view, showing that you understand where they're coming from (i.e. first agree with them BEFORE you tentatively suggest a different viewpt). This is a common tactic in philosophy - when opposing some1's view, first present their view in a manner that is both straightforward and convincing (even more so than they themselves were capable of doing). then attack that view with full force, or measured restraint. try both, see which one works better. also, try to learn the language of the ISTJ. so use concrete terms, talk in terms of cause and effect, as opposed to abstract principles. When a J type is being ultra J, and fussing over something that isn't worth fussing over, i find the appeal of the form 'geez...that's a lot of work. isn't that going to wear us out? is it really worth it?' to be effective. apparently, in socionics theory, INTP's don't take INFP's advice very well (and vice versa)...so i will be curious to see if you can take on board anything that i have said, and if it helps... -- the Shez
A6 I'm an INFP with a very verbally abusive ISTJ mother. Infact just today I was told that I was wasting my life. Why? I'm still not entirely sure but I think it has to do with he fact that I'm romatically interested in a guy that deals poker for a living. I envy you Ts though because I'm sure you all don't take things as personally as I do. Even when I try to logically sit down and talk things out with her and tell her why she upsets me with the things she says, it's as if we're both talking to the wall. In my experience, ISTJs just can't understand and don't even want to try to understand different ways of looking at the world or the human condition in all of us. It's "Do it exactly as I say or let me do it and get the hell out of my way." -- INFP
A7 I am also an IFNP, with two ISTJ parents (and an ESTJ brother). I do not assume that all ISTJs operate exactly the same, as it is a generalization of the infinitely unique, and certainly many of their traits are admirable. However, ISTJ characteristics run riot in my parents' behavior  cultivated self-defeating behavior for my INFP personality. Growing up was like living in an episode of the twilight zone where everything was culturally upstanding and foundational thought was regarded as unnecessary and troublesome. I also experience that conversations with them are like talking to a brick wall. They can see no other way but their own, and that's how they like it! No change, no consideration that the parameters of existence they decided on in high school may have been incomplete...  It's better now that I am older and can recognize the different ways we operate, able now to appreciate the uniqueness strengths of myself. However, sorting through the wounds on my own (which they insist are all my fault) has been exhausting... particularly because an entire childhood of not being valued or listened to and routinely criticized for the essence of who I am was a crippling psychological experience which invited further trauma as an adult.  Please, to all parents, make consideration for the inherent differences in your children.  -- Anonymous
A8 I don't think the problem is in ISTj only. As young, we need love from our parents. And when the atmosphere in home, is not very secure, our self esteem goes down. And criticism will harm very deeply. And leave scars which affect whole childhood. When we will get older, we will understand our parents better. It will help to make peace with home. And we do need that. We can't live well until we have everything clear with our up-growing. ISTj can be hard to tolerate. They have bursts of anger. But all of them are not violent. ISTj can be very cultural. And erudite. I think a lot of good scientists are from this type. And some philosophers also. He's ti makes him want to understand deeply some problem. He can be silent and hard to get to know, because he's undesrtanding is complex. -- infj
A9 I am an ISTJ type and i don't verbally abuse anyone but off course my farther is like that so i know what it is like to be on the other end.I hate people who are verbal abusive.You can't be that general with personally types there are pros and cons to all types and some types just get along better with centren ones. If you have a sp< relationship with them that going happen but if you have sp> it can happen in reverse. -- Anonymous
A10 I am an ISTJ type and i don't verbally abuse anyone but off course my farther is like that so i know what it is like to be on the other end.I hate people who are verbal abusive.You can't be that general with personally types there are pros and cons to all types and some types just get along better with centren ones. If you have a sp< relationship with them that going happen but if you have sp> it can happen in reverse. -- Anonymous
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