| Questions & Answers |
| Question #1191877812 | Monday, 8-Oct-2007 |
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| I am ISTp .. How do I stop running away when people want to get to know me too personally. This applies to partners, family and work collegues, who all develop perspect for me, then want to get to know me deeper then I mess things up intentionally to keep distance. Any ISTp out there with similar issue? Any advice esp. from my dual would be useful -- Cyclops |
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| A1 umm i am not no psychologists but maybe you can change your thinking to feeling type... try meditation or some sort. i know its always hard to change but maybe if you do it gadually it might work.... learn to feel things with your heart and dont always get the infromation you accumulate and take it to ur mind -- ExxJ |
| A2 I'm actually not that disturbed when my friends complain that they don't really have a clue who I am (or my family for that matter)- I've never really thought that was anyone else's buisness! I'm willing to share what I think about issues or tell stories about my experiences, but no one will EVER hear what I FEEL about something if I have any say in it! -- istp |
| A3 Will try A1 thank you, A2 know what u mean but i'm getting tired of backing out of relationships..I esp would like a steady partner and have no difficulty attracting mates, would kinda like the idea of 'settling down' but I always push them away eventually and i'm starting to get on my own nerves haha. I'm in my early thirties. -- Cyclops |
A4 You know, as an enfp, I can't pretend to know how the mind of an istp works  The boundaries of 'closeness' are usually very different for collegues vs. family members vs. spouse. I'm not sure what you view as 'too close' for each one. But I do have to say you're not the only one in the boat who's reluctant to reveal your feelings about something. Nobody enjoys stating opinions or feelings that make them vulnerable (at least that I know of...). But in terms of my closest relationships, I tend to value the health of the relationship over my momentary personal comfort. Clearing an issue up leads to an improvement in overall atmosphere, and if you're being sincere, people are far more understanding than you think they'll be. Problems don't go away - they just build up til they reach a boiling point. But I guess in a way this is why enfps & istps go so well together. Enfps are usually adept at diplomatically resolving things. Doesn't make it any easier to start, though. I have to side with Katherine Hepburn on this one: "The bitterer the medicine, the better it is for you." No pain, no gain.  You know, after dating an istp for a while, it didn't really bother me that he didn't reveal much about himself. It was the fact that he wouldn't tell me about things that were bothering him that drove me nuts. It was nearly impossible for me to tell if there was something there. Anyway, he was much better at putting his thoughts in writing, so perhaps that could work for you in the future? As for expressing that you care about someone, there are lots of nonverbal ways to do that. My grandmother once admired the design of a porch bracket, and my grandfather (an istp) literally stopped the car, got up on the person's porch (!), and traced the thing so he could incorporate it into their house that he was building! Regardless, though, relationships always require stretching outside of your comfort zone - for everybody, not just istps. I guess istps are just more sensitive to it... You're gonna have to take a deep breath and suck it up. That's probably not the dual answer you expected -- Anonymous |
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| A5 It makes sense..and it's something i've always been frightened to do, seems very obvious now its right in front of me, so thank you! -- Cyclops (coz I currently got 1 eye in a bandage!) |
| A6 you know with meditation you will feel immediate effect but to really change your mind, you must to it daily... it will really change your mind permanently... I am sure most buddhist monks aren't Istp, they are strong feeling types becuase they train with meditation and allow their mind not to think so much. -- EXXJ |
| A7 It's hard to say. Keeping distance is needed, as you don't know who may turn against you. Leting somebody close to you is also sometime good, sometime bad. You choose. Nobody here knows you and can't tell you how to deal with somebody specific in your work environment, or at home. -- Some ENTP |
| A8 I understand where you're coming from- I've sabotaged a lot of relationships out of fear. I suppose that it doesn't help that last time I did let my guard down I got hurt :/ I don't enjoy existing as I do really, but I can't really bring myself to open up. Hope someone does have a suggestion that may work!!! -- an istp |
| A9 By not running. -- MD |
| A10 A9 ah but when to run and when to stay .. -- An istp |
| A11 A few reactions to other comments, as a fellow ISTP ... Katharine Hepburn also said something about men & women not being all that suited to one another, and instead of living together should just visit often ... I (an ISTp) find meditation very difficult because of incessant brain chatter and physical fidgetiness, so doing things puts me in a meditative state (such as table tennis, as I mentioned in another thread) ... I agree with A10 - you can't always stay; the relationship isn't always a good thing! ... Now, back to the original question - you mention feeling unwilling to open up to people, and realizing that it precludes intimacy (mental, emotional, physical, whatever). I have a counterpoint problem - I figured out around 20 that I don't lose any personal power by opening up to people, so I'll respond to inquiries and allow things to deepen ... but then at some point I'm ready to go off in a totally new direction, and the other party usually ends up feeling abandoned (even if I'm still around and just not quite so engaged). So, unfortunately I can't answer your question, but I can tell you, ISTp to ISTp, that *you* shouldn't be afraid to open up to people. You might have to worry about consequences of fallout, though. -- iAnnAu |
| A12 Thank you for that iAnnAu and all others. I guess I actually re-know I do also open myself up but certain manipulative events outwith this site (said to cause me damage -but thats ok I have cleared this up with those in question after all we all make incorrect choices etc) however this combined with certain self-doubts and analysing various past relationo failures caused to create in me a 'confidence free-fall' situation. I have regained my centre on such things (the eyes better [I still got two lol] I still like x-men and greek mythology so this ole name still stands but maybe Wolverine is a better name for ISTp hehe!) and have moved back into my 'normal mode of existence' ie I am better now haha, so just thought I'd come back to this again to say cheers again all ! -- Cyclops |
| A13 Ha! I used to collect comic books, and I'd have to say Wolverine is more ISFp! I was going to say Daredevil would be better, but then I thought he's more ISTj. Maybe Rogue - especially when you consider how her powers practically block her from dating! But anyway, Cyclops is definitely NOT ISTp . -- iAnnAu |
| A14 Actually, just that you are asking for input on this shows you are moving in a fine direction. I personally feel people should respect each others boundaries. I can understand people wanting you to be more open, yet I can also understand the need maintain privacy. If you are being decent towards them, people should accept you and respect your own personal space if they are really interested in what works for you. There are plenty of open book types out there, if everyone was just like that then no one would be unique. I do find that a lot of EFJ's seem to expect people to be open with them and personally I find it assumptive and rude. Why should someone be forced to relate in a way that doesn't suit them? That would definitely have a negative effect on the person who happens to be less open and it may feel too personal and uncomfortable. However, if it is your desire to be more open then develop relationships where you sense you can trust the other person so you will feel comfortable. Otherwise, you may end up regretting trusting them in the first place. -- chrissyc ENTP |
| A15 I have an ISTp friend in the same place as Cyclops (although a decade older) and he has asked me (an ENFp) the exact same question. He has ended a LOT of relationships with some pretty cool women over the years out of fear of losing his space, privacy, freedom. I've suggested that he should seek someone who appreciates his strengths and his need for space...rather than being critical of his 'weaknesses' or offended by the space that he highly covets. Yet he can't expect someone to 'read his mind' and know what he needs, so I have suggested to him that the place for him to 'stretch' is to let the other person know when he needs space and when he feels that his privacy is being invaded. A few economical words - even with some witty banter throw in - saying that he needs to go off surfing on his own but to please not take it personally can go a long way in a relationship! Also, I have suggested that he consider the reality of his fears...and relate them to physical adventures that he enjoys. e.g. think of taking the next step in a relationship like the challenge of taking the next big wave or a new backcountry ski run etc. Not sure if this helps but those are my ideas... On a happier note, an another ISTp friend just announced that he's engaged, after asking his girlfriend to marry him on the steps of the TajMahal in India! He's in his mid-40s and it took him a while but he's cool with it so it's possible for an ISTp to 'settle down' and be happy. Good luck! -- Anonymous |
| A16 I am an ESTJ and would like to let you know how infuriating it is for an ISTP to keep pulling back when he feels you have got too close to him (believe me I know, my husband is an ISTP) but I have come to learn his different way of sharing what he feels and I appreciate he shows his emotions more by action other than sitting down and discussing how he feels. If you do get someone in your life who appreciates and understands you for whom you are then it would be really nice for you other than trying to go out of your way and behaving in a manner that is forgein to you. Relationships are about acceptance, understanding and adjusting to one another without having to hurt yourself or make yourself uncomfortable in the process. I would suggest you go for that one person who understands and accepts you the way your are and is willing to appreciate the way you love, and give attention. Cheer! -- karen |
| A17 Embrace your weakneses and work on them. - Hardcore ISTP -- Anonymous |
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