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Question #1186425803Monday, 6-Aug-2007
Category: INTp Dating Advice
how does an INTP behave in a dating situation? and what bars of understanding does the 'dated'/or/ the other have to extend? and for the intp readers,.what are the things to look for in controlling the situation (answer for a first time date..when anxiety is highish and answer for comfortable dates (as in when it extends toward multiple instances), ..no intp wants to offend there date by ignorances or mannerisms___especially if they think everything is on the level, and start ignoring 'Proper things to be done') seen this answered for entps thanx! seeking an socionics specific solution here..of-course! -- anon
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Well, I have never been on actual date, just been picked from bars, and once on some sort of uncertain semi-date. So maybe someone else has better answer. On the inside confused, on the outside friendly but reserved, you probably can't tell if he really is interested in you or not. Mostly I've just been trying to follow/react what the other person is doing, and see what happens next. I haven't been really anxious at all, because I expect to fail. Although I'm not anxious in the actual situation, the idea of asking someone on date is very terrifying. I'd rather fight Mike Tyson than ask someone on date, and I'm not joking. It feels the same as in being in situation where you have to learn some new game, and you have no idea about the rules. Except that in games you can ask the other person what you are supposed to do next. The most important thing is, that I (and probably other INTp's too) really hate the idea of dates. I'd rather form a relationships in more natural way. Than having to go on some alien artificial situations, that from my point of view have nothing to do with being in relationship. So if formal dates aren't very important to you, my suggestion is that with INTp's avoid them entirely. That way the INTp can give better and more real impression of themselves. -- INTp guy
A2 the same goes for ENTPs. the NTPs are more inclined to follow the "friends first" policy. courtship is a waste of time, and the flowers/chocolates/romancing bit is most likely to be cringed at. they're quite averse to set-ups and hook-ups. -- Anonymous
A3 I'll have to agree there. I make a point of it to most women how buying/giving cards is useless...may as well save a step and put four dollars in the garbage. -- Anonymous
A4 @A1 - that is the most compassion thing u could ever say. i just think INTPs get scared to follow there eternal path to destiny.maybe that is why Caesar the SEE/ESFp Performer/ambasador sees in us the INTP sculptre of personality. i am a male INTP and would never have thought that female INTPs would have the same answer. it is 16 forming up of different Socionics personalities on this planet, and intp is definitely different set in this world....what would we control if we where really good. i male intp. -- @sirac
A5 I dated an INTp once. There was the strain that A1 described, and not only on his part. But I learned that I could release that strain by joking. And we had been friends before, so the straits weren't as horrible as they probably would have been if we saw each other just for the second or third time. He usually wrote me an SMS asking if I wanted to go have coffee with him, and then we would have a chat in the students' buffet. We chatted about Tolkien, religion and such, and we were making fun of each other. That was great. He also did other great things, like he came to my place by car even though there was a snow storm, or took me home in his car so that I needn't go by bus. He never gave me flowers (which is perfectly OK with me cause I don't like getting flowers), but he brought me a souvenir from a Christian camp, and one year I told him I liked peaches and he remembered it and the next year he brought me some from their own garden. Finally we found out we were most at ease if we actually did something together like A1 described, especially an activity we could learn something from. So we visited the same lectures (more precisely, he took lectures he didn't need in order to be with me, but he never spoke to me after them), we went to an exhibition, he visited my English lecture and gave me some teaching advice, and so on. But then he started inviting me to the museum where he works and giving me lectures on Napoleon, and I had a feeling he wants me to be a historian like he is. Then, I was so nervous I wasn't able to joke any more and the strain re-appeared. We became just friends again. But I obviously helped him learn how to behave on dates, so he started to invite heaps of other girls to wine cellars and cafes. - Well, that was a history of a five-years' semi-dating relationship by Se eyes. He would probably describe it in a completely different way. -- Ezis (ESFp)
A6 Sorry, I was describing an ISTp in my last post... -- Ezis (ESFp)
A7 INTP: How the hell do I get out of here? -- Anonymous
A8 I'm an INTp, I'm pretty sure anyway, and I'm kind of boy-crazed sometimes... but even so, dates = mad uncomfortable. -- another intp
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A9 intp girl, never been on a proper date. 23. haha -- Anonymous
A10 A5+A6: Well it's weird with all the INTps here claiming they're uncomfortable with dates, but it's turned out he's an INTp after all... So taking into account that INTps usually don't like proper dates, this one really deserves admiration. -- Ezis (ESFp)
A11 I'm an INTp Male 28, and dates have always been weird. I like dates, but I don't like dealing with the women that I date. Currently, i'm married very recently to an ESFj. Wow, what a mistake. I tried to be someone I wasn't, and bam, it's hell now. Just make sure you are who you are. She will either love you or hate you. But better to be you now, cause it's impossible to change in the long run. -- Anonymous
A12 I'm an INTP, 21, male, and I actually like dates a lot, even though I'm bad at flirting and small talk, especially at first. Even so, it's not hard to hold a conversation, make jokes, or pay attention to what they have to say, especially if you're sure that you have similar interests. (My last date was a bit uncomfortable until she mentioned lucid dreaming, and then bam, we were off talking about everything that came to mind) Other personalities don't matter so much, but it's critical you have overlapping interests. Oh, and also, you need to be mature enough not to argue about trivium. Dating is easy for me, because INTPs are actually naturals at relationships as long as we make an effort. We're great listeners, easy to maintain, we're not pushy, monogamous, we're the most sincere of all the types (sometimes to a fault.) and don't play scheming games like NTJs and ENTPs. Sex is a safe, enjoyable access to our feelings, and probably the most important to our personal maturity in our inferior function, so we usually make an effort to be giving with our partners. We're naturally, unconventionally romantic. The problem is, we're terrified of the first step. We're subject to constant self-criticism which can self-propagate with each rejection. Too often, we'll pine over someone, miss our chance, hate ourselves for missing our chance, abandon a perfectly good friendship trying to extricate ourselves from our infatuation and then do it again with a new crush. And this can easily happen without the other party ever knowing. Personally, I try to put myself out there and ask people out, but the struggle is intense and usually takes months, at least. (Not counting the months of arms-length acquaintanceship before the real friendship). A little bit of alcohol helps. -- Anonymous
A13 "Sex is a safe, enjoyable access to our feelings, and probably the most important to our personal maturity in our inferior function." Wow that in itself sounds really immature. Sex has nothing to do with maturity nor love. One does not need sex to access feelings. -- Anonymous
A14 A13: Of course it sounds immature, all INTPs are emotional retards. -- Anonymous
A15 "Sex has nothing to do with maturity nor love. One does not need sex to access feelings." He didn't say it is NEEDED, but it is an access point. And he did not mention love either. He mentioned feelings, and sex can easily have a relation to feelings otherwise why would so many people be concerned with how close they are to someone before they have sex. It causes chemical release, further attachment etc., and should not be ignored in a relationship. -- intp girl
A16 I agree with most of what A12 said, though it could take a long time before an INTP would feel comfortable having sex with you. But yeah, as an INTP female, I have had some dates (I actually suspect my most recent boyfriend was an ESFp which explains how bizarre it was that I went out with him in the first place, he could get me to do all sorts of things I would never have done with anyone else, so weird.) We are actually really low maintenance, though. We appreciate flowers and candy every once in a while, but we don't demand or expect them. We are rather thrifty so honestly any kind of gift makes us feel kind of guilty, as if we should have given you a gift as well. We don't care much for valentines day or anniversaries, or even birthdays (in general). We like movies (I do anyway) since we don't have to interact, and afterwards it gives us an obvious thing to talk about. We don't like PDAs, they make us feel uncomfortable. basically if you have cool things to talk about though we'll be fine. It's if you run out of things to talk about that you're really in trouble. (also, totally jealous I don't have someone to talk about Lucid Dreaming with...) -- An INTP female
A17 A5 and A12 are spot on accurate. We like to slowly build a good, deep friendship with our "person of interest," hoping that they will see past our outer awkwardness and social ineptitude. With time and luck maybe they will see into our true treasure, our inner world. It's such a great feeling when you can tell that special someone is seeing what a genuine and valuable person you are on the inside. We build these relationships slowly because we to some extent afraid of making a decisive romantic move which may jeopardize all of the hard work and effort that we put into building a relationship with such a person. Building relationships, especially potentially romantic ones, doesn't come easily for us, and for this reason we are cautious in establishing and growing them. -- INTp guy
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