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Question #1185998184Wednesday, 1-Aug-2007
Category: INFp ESTj Marriage Advice
I am an INFP married to an ESTJ,we've been together a little more than 9 years and its been really hard. I just want to know if these kinds of matches ever work out for the best or is it really doomed?? -- Nusaibah Muhammad-Brown
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Socionics type INFp and ESTj are doomed to incompatibility. Myers-Briggs INFP and ESTJ (which equate to Socionics types INFj and ESTj), however, experience relations of Duality, the most desirable of the relations. It would be beneficial for you to clarify your question in that sense. Socionics has a lot to offer; I wish you luck in your pursuit of knowledge and understanding. -- Jay Bop
A2 Conflicting relations such as ESTj and INFp are not "doomed to incompatibility" per se. No two people are doomed to spend the rest of their lives fighting over every little detail, provided they communicate properly to find some common ground. That said, it is true that conflicting relations will probably require a fair bit more effort than some such as relations of duality. It really all boils down to what you have and how hard you're willing to work to keep it. -- Anonymous
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A3 I'm an INFP and I'm absolutely passionate about an ESTJ, my second ESTJ obsession, and I'm super-picky about who I like! Is it just infatuation and doomed to fail? Or could this work?? I believe we both thought of eachother as soulmates, but I hurt his feelings by kissing another boy and he drastically pulled away from me, but won't explain why, nor will he let me go, altogether. what to do??? -- Anonymous
A4 All the ESTjs I know really grind my nut! I like them sometimes, in small small doses...I think all relations can be good, but like A2 says, some require a lot of work to get it to that level. I would also think that for it to be a goodgood relationship it would require a lot of supression of natural behaviour and a lot of effort and time to obtain understanding about each other. -- radnominfp.
A5 Most of the time, I don't think opposites work well together.. but INFP/ESTJ is the one exception for me. I'm an INFP, and I know that we can be very fickle. We are idealists, and nothing is ever quite good enough for us. Although ESTJs may not understand INFPs, they are so grounded in reality, that they don't get mixed up in the INFP's vortex of confusion. The relationship may always be slightly distant, and may not really understand each other, but I think there is a lot the two can appreciate about each other. I think the ESTj can appreciate the principles of the INFP, and the INFP can appreciate the discipline and boldness of the ESTJ. Also- if you're a newlywed, no sweat, the first couple years sort of suck because you're adjusting. -- Anonymous
A6 I too am INFP male married to ESTJ wife. It can be tough. And it dont seem to really ease with age. Its always the same. But together studying MBTI and discussing many things through the types, it helps to understand each other's view. In my experience, it never reduces the tension of not liking being bossed and planned and overuled. The irritation on both sides is still common and i cant see it reducing. We are only learning to moderate it, taking it easier. -- Simon Chege
A7 INFPs think all relationships are doomed I'm married to an INTJ and i thing there will always be a bit of psychological distance because he's T and I'm F. But I wouldn't want him to change at all... I wouldn't want to be with another INFP. I like A5s answer. Also- if there are real problems, get counseling. don't just give up based on perceived incompatibility. -- Anonymous
A8 I'm an INFP woman in the process of divorcing my ESTJ husband after 12 years. What went wrong? During courtship, we were friends and equals, and he was very tender. There were many things he didn't understand about me; I felt that I understood him reasonably well. I thought understanding would grow with time. I enjoyed his company very much. He was my trusted companion. He provided the stability I seemed to lack, and he had so much humor and optimism. Once we married, he started leading the show, gradually. Over time, he made more and more decisions for two, and his choices usually didn't serve my essential needs. I told him again and again what those needs were, but rather than try to meet them, he would sort of decide that my needs lay elsewhere and try to fulfill those instead. Without getting bogged down in details, I would say that at this point, there is almost nothing left of me. Furthermore, he has taken our son, offered me no spousal support, and is rendering me homeless. It's ruthless behavior that defies even my worst expectations. And it is, again, based on a fiction in his mind of what I want, rather than what I actually desire and need. And what our child desires and needs. My advice here is to exercise utmost caution with this particular personality match-up. As my story shows, it can seem like such a promising fit at first, but over time the underlying differences can emerge full-force. I saw a quote from someone on the Internet: "In my experience, ESTJs eat INFPs for lunch." Bingo. -- Angela
A9 I am INFp married to ESTj. A5, A6, A8 are right for me all-together. ESTjs are kind and nice with INFps, as long they are together. But I once had a near break up with my husband, and A8 is exactly what I got. So, now I know very well what to expect. A relation like this can work out very well, like in my case, but I had to start acting like an INFj to make it work, and it gives me a really bad internal conflict all the time. -- Anonymous
A10 Ok, if you're using MBTI (INFP+ESTJ) than according to Socionics you're likely INFj, which is ESTj's dual (ESTJ doesn't change between the two). That would mean that although you'd experience the "growing pains" of being in a dual relationship, you're still in the best possible place you could be. A5: When you talk about INFP "principles" using MBTI notation, I think you're probably talking about INFj principles. In Socionics, INFjs have Fi, which gives them a very strong ethical/moral sense. -- Socionics INFj
A11 Whether your relationship is "doomed" depends more on your approach than on type, although type certainly factors in. Even if you are conflicting types, if you are committed to staying together, learning to communicate better, resolve conflicts (frequently) and let the little things go, it will work. Deciding to maintain a positive, loving approach goes a long way. Of course, if he is verbally or physically abusive, you need to leave. And I would recommend that if you feel worn out and exhausted most of the time, to leave. Relationships are not all easy, but you should at least feel that there is room for growth. You might try going to counseling together. Still, there are so many people in the world and you can find one with whom you are more compatible. You can't change anyone but you can work on yourself. Own who you are and expect your significant other to respect that. That is different from being inflexible. You can respect yourself and still make accommodations when you love someone, but they should be willing to do the same. -- Fi-EII
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