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Question #1184831169Thursday, 19-Jul-2007
Category: ESFj Relationship
Hi I am a female ESFJ mother. I find it easy to make friends. I find it easy to confide in people, but I would never burden them with my problems. I would seek professional help ie a psychologist if I had emotional problems and an accountant if I had financial problems, etc. I was brought up to believe that you do not do business with friends as this can cause a huge strain on the relationship. I trust easily, but I enjoy friends that I can go out on the town with when I have the time and can only cope with a certain amount of one on one time. I have a large family and have 5 people who already depend on me and they love me and I am always there for them. I have found that lately I resent it when my friends start relying heavily on me as the person who they want to tell all their problems to. I feel extremely guilty that I cannot be there for them, but in the past before having children I know that my nature has been to put their problems in front of my own even to my own detrement. Once they start wanting to talk to me/see me every week for more than 2 hours at a time and only to speak for the whole time about themselves. I just can't cope. I don't know how to say no without hurting their feelings and I feel really mean. Q1.Are their any other ESFJs who feel like me? and Q2. How do you say no or stop them telling you their problems in the 1st place? I love being with people but would much rather talk to a sales assistant in a big shop so there are no expectations other than a friendly enjoyable conversation! -- Anonymous
Your Answers: 1+ 9+
A9 Well to me NOT reciprocating comes across as rational egotistic self-serving bunk.. take all you can and dont give back! :/ I give my care and good intentions to them KNOWING they don't care for me nor have good intentions for me? That doesn't make any sense.. I'm not that naive. And I'd rather have a group of people I TRUST with me that I know will protect me when unpreventable dangers come and I ofcourse I'd do the same for them (the tend and befriend approach DUH and its sooo easy to break a stick by itself than a bundle of sticks). So yes it brings me peace. Oh and for me the chain ends at "without trust." Without trust there is nada. Why prolong the unnecessary drama? Once you know you can't trust someone, there is room for nothing else, because morals and characters don't change easily and it is certainly not friends' responsibility to instill character in their friends. Trust me Ive tried when I stopped being a child, and failed. So yes it makes my decision easy - no trust, no friend. The word True and Trust goes hand in hand.. True friendship = trust. When you walk on a bridge trust the engineering and workers that built it that it is firm. How do these engineers earn that trust? By not breaking it. I tutor different kinds of little kids and kids with behavioral and temper issues and I can say that one of the most valuable in thing in training I learned was that proving that you have good intentions by showing genuine care for them really important because if they dont sense care from you they are not going to listen to you and do what you tell them to do. Why would they? If they dont sense that You telling them to write words is good for Them? They have to trust you. And showing reliability is really important too - they take it like rejection if you don't show up when you usually show up. There is tolerance IF there is trust and there is forgiveness IF there is tolerance and there is redemption IF there is forgiveness and there is faith IF there is redemption and there is resilience IF there is redemption. I'll state that in another way: It's like a sturdy building where trust is the base.. you blow up the base, the whole building falls. -- Anonymous
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A10 The arguement that a flimsy stick alone breaks easily but when put together with a bundle of sticks, they become firm and durable: as people become united by a greater good and similarily the sum is greater than its parts. Instead of continusly arguing stout opinions I'll state that we clearly walk completely different paths of life. I'll affirm individuality for its own merit instead of denying and getting entangled in knots with you. Why individuality is enjoyable is because due to their inherent 'weakness' and apparent limited capacity, the trouble they cause is diminished too and as for myself or another individual causing trouble, an apology is most welcomed and cherished instead of taken as a sign of weakness and fallibility. For amongst good natured individuals, a clear conscience is valued. Lastly, the individual may not be apart of something 'special' 'revolutionary' 'historic' etc, instead, they discover their own humanity and of those around them which can be awe inspiring. When I view you as an individual, obviously trust is central to your sense of self and ironically with such an adamant insistence on trust beyond all else, you appear very mistrusting and in all likelihood I come across as very untrustworthy - so be it, I can live with that. -- Anonymous
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