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Question #1184630759Tuesday, 17-Jul-2007
Category: ESFj INFj ENTp Relationship
I have colleagues that are INFJ and ESFJ who share extraverted feeling as one of their top 2 functions. They always seem very sensitive to criticism and personal slights. As an ENTP I would like to learn how to better get along with them. Any suggestions? -- CJ
Your Answers: 1+
A1 The only way for you to get along with an ESFJ is to not criticise them at all. That means not even one word, under the breath comments or jokes that are actually a criticism. Once you criticise an ESFJ you open a flood gate and they start to see all your faults. Prior to that they just don't notice your faults. They only focus on your good points. Just think about someone who thinks they are superior to you and who always likes to belittle you. In normal circumstances you can cope with them but when you are under extreme stress everything they do really upsets you. ESFJs feel inferior to you and see you as a bragger and a bossy boots. They do admire your take control attitude(I am assuming you are on the same level as them or above them.). How important is it for you to be friends with them. The only way you can make them feel that you really sincerely want to be friends is to say sorry to them and actually tell them what you are sorry for(ie they have to know that you do understand how much you have upset them). You have to let them tell you what they are upset with you for without you getting annoyed with what they have to say. Saying sorry is something ENTPs find very hard to do (in fact I think most types find it hard especially if they do not really understand what they are saying sorry for - ESFJs and ENTPs just don't see things the same way!). You may decide it is not really worth it. You did actually say that you just wanted to get along with them not be friends! -- Anonymous
A2 To get along with an INFJ you need to be on time, don't make promises you can't keep, don't belittle them, show geniune respect for the things they have to say. To get along with an ESFJ don't delittle them, don't criticise them, accept that they are upset with you because you have hurt their feelings and listen to them emphatically when they tell you why they are upset with you. Stop changing your decisions. Complete what you start. -- Anonymous
A3 @A1 Thanks for your suggestions - it seems that ESFJ don't like me much and the feeling is mutual. All my friends are ST or NT types. It appears that giving affirmations, being friendly and general considerate behavior towards ESTJs like the ones you suggested A2 e.g., completing what I start, following through on decisions, do make them happier. -- CJ
A4 ENTPs are always forcing themselves to face every challenge head on, but sometimes you have to accept that somethings are just too stressful. You have to accept that not everyone in your work environment will like you. Is the fact that they get upset with criticisms the only problem or do they do things that for some irrational reason annoy you too. Getting along with people is not always one sided. Do others have trouble getting along with the ESFJ and INFJ? Do you really not get along with any ESFJs or is this ESFJ an extreme ESFJ. If you all know each others types then they could also make allowances for the way you like to give constructive criticism. Trying to behave in a manner that will make them like you will only make you miserable. May be you are better off if possible just avoiding them. How much does it upset you that you cannot get along with them? Are they very obvious in their dislike of you? What sex are you and your colleagues?(it makes a big difference to the acceptance of type - eg. an ESFJ female will be more able to accept an ENTP male criticising them cf an ENTP female) -- Anonymous
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A5 **please not CORRECTIONS, thanks moderator** @A4 Good questions: I'm a female ENTP, and most of the ESFJ's I work with are females also. Sorry about the confusion, I forgot to mention my belief that you don't have to be "friends" or even "liked" to work well with colleagues - in fact I prefer it that way. I am extremely selective of who I let in my life as a "friend". Friends can quickly become liabilities in a social setting; but it becomes even more complicated with "work friends" because you can't cut them off in your work life (as in you still have to work with them even though your personal relationship is in the doghouse, how's that for awkward and straining?) I think that the ESFJ's are generally aware of their personalities, as they seem rigid in their beliefs. I just figured its easier to change my perceptions and work around them rather on relying on them to change their behavior. In the end it's all good, I'm pretty happy at work! I asked the question to understand the ESFJ more deeply. -- CJ
A6 @A4 Good questions: I'm a female ENTP, and most of the ESFJ's I work with are females also. Sorry about the confusion, I forgot to mention my belief that you don't have to be "friends" or even "liked" to work well with colleagues - in fact I prefer it that way. I am extremely selective of who I let in my life as a "friend". Friends can quickly become liabilities in a social setting; but it's becomes even more complicated with "work friends" because you can't cut them off in your work life (as in you still have to work with them even though your personal relationship is in the doghouse, how's that for awkward and straining?) I think that the ESFJ's are aware of their personalities, as they seem rigid in their beliefs. I just figured its easier to change my perceptions and work around them rather on relying on them to change their behavior. In the end it's all good, I'm pretty happy at work! I asked the question to understand the ESFJ more deeply. -- CJ
A7 As long as you know the INFJ you can criticize them in a sarcastic way, but don't be too harsh. If you don't know them well, they can take it personally and dwell about it. I don't know about a ESFJ. -- Anonymous
A8 Old thread, but I have to correct the OP. INFj's do not have Extroverted Feeling as a base or creative function, we have Introverted Feeling and Extroverted Intuition. -- An INFj
A9 I'd just like to point out that, in Socionics, INFj does not have Extraverted Feeling in her top two functions. Socionics and MBTI are different in this way. In Socionics, INFj's two top functions are Fi and Ne, while ESFj is Fe and Si. -- Krig (INTj)
A10 I'd have to agree with A1 about the ESFjs. I'm an ISFj and even I have to watch what I say around my ESFj friends because they are so incredibly sensitive. -- Anonymous
A11 As all feelers, you have to be sincere but not cruel to them, supportive, patient and authentic to them. All your good intentions has to be sincere -- Anonymous
A12 I am an INFJ and am very sensitive to criticism, but also very quick to point out and appreciate the good qualities in people. I do not appreciate people judging me for my views or for being introverted; that is where a great deal of the problem comes from with other types - they do not recognize introverted personality traits and do not accept them. If you want to get along with an INFJ, you should try to accept the fact that we are quiet, reserved people but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong or that we don't like you. We don't like being "forced" out of our shells and don't like people making suggestions or value judgments about the way we think and live our lives. Otherwise, we are relatively easy to get along with - as long as genuine acceptance is there... -- Anonymous
A13 My mother is an infj and I'm an istp, how can we get along? Anything I say gets blown out of Proportion by her. And everyone in her head is upto no good. How can you say the infj are so Supportive when they're not. If you don't do the things she want, she get upset and hurt. No one can share an opinion that she doesn't get offended by. -- Anonymous
A14 Through my experience with my sister ( an ESFJ) I have determined that it is best to be as nice as possible, and to sandwich criticism with good qualities in their work. -- INFJ
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