| Socionics Personals |  | Female
Straight
16-25
Oceania
Libra
ENFj |
|  | Male
Straight
16-25
Middle East
Sagittarius
INTj |
|  | Male
Straight
26-35
North America
Pisces
INXj |
| | Join now! |
Who is who?Learn how to convert between different systems
V.I.An introduction into the widely used Socionics Visual Identification technique
TestsA collection of Socionics related tests and quizes
Q & AsAsk a Socionics related question or provide an answer to an existing one
ArticlesVarious articles on the subject of Socionics and Types in general
ForumsWant to discuss Type? Head to Socionics Forums!
|
| Questions & Answers |
| Question #1181471453 | Sunday, 10-Jun-2007 |
|
|
| Greetings, I would like to know if an INTj and ENFj relationship can succeed. The reason I ask is because I am an INTj and theoretically the ESFj should be most compatible, but I find this type to be intellectually unsatisfying. The ENFj, on the otherhand, is an Intuitive. I am especially interested in hearing from INTjs and ENFjs. -- Peter |
|
| A19 There's more than enough variation to make a case for success or failure. I came here looking for answers on how I might make my own relationship work. Unfortunately, I can only speak from my own personal experience on the matter...and so, here comes the horror story. What I can tell you is that I am an INTJ male who married an ENFJ female, seven years ago. To be completely honest with myself as well as you, I've stayed the relationship because of our child, who is now age six. I believe that the problems that we encounter in the relationship stem from our own unique preferences. For example, I need my alone time, and she can't stand to be alone. I'm terrible at remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc., and she lives for those things. Every weekend it’s someone’s birthday, anniversary, or a party that we just have to attend or have. I consider myself to be a good listener, but I have a really hard time with conversation that leaps all over the place, stops, picks back up, and then repeats the same points over and over again. I hate gossip, and she loves gossip. She uses little criticisms in an attempt to manipulate, and I make judgments about people she cares about (true or not, she cannot accept those judgments). There are plenty of other examples within our specific relationship, and I'm sure that this is more than a little one sided, however, the issue that has always created the most combustion between us, as I see it, is her need to be in charge, doling out the orders, and attempting to manipulate the situation via various guilt trips, in order to get whatever it is that she wants at that particular moment in time, vs. my need for independence and to not be controlled. Neither of us is willing to bend on this particular issue, and this is the area where we derail each and every time. At first, I'll try to ignore her hand-on-the-hip orders, and in response, she'll raise the volume and raise the stakes with regard to the level of the insults and criticisms that she’s dishing out. Eventually, I'll begin to mock her and turn the tables, and just as quickly, we both just snap. I either end up leaving, or trumping her volume as well as her insults, but either way, neither of us is willing to give in, and we both pay the price. She can't seem to understand that ordering me about like some sort of minion is a losing battle, and I guess I just can't understand that for her, that's just the way that it has be. Differences of perspective, I suppose. Nothing seems to really work, and to make matters worse, she also considers my leaving as a worst possible form of insult. Of course then we’ll go back and forth about that for weeks on end. Admittedly, we both understand each other’s buttons, and we both push them when it comes to control and independence. In my opinion, we both understand that we've been going nowhere with the relationship for a long time now. The logical conclusion would certainly be to go our separate ways, but I just can't leave my little girl, and I don't think that she can stand the thought of being left alone. My advice, for what it's worth, would be to just consider what it is that will sustain you for the longer term, what can you live with, and what can you not live with...Like Tina Turner said, or sang, actually, "what's love got to do with it". I do love my wife and am loyal to her, but I quit liking her a long time ago, and, as soon as she came to the conclusion that our marriage license somehow gave her the authority to tell me what to do, when to do it, and then criticize the way I did it. In my experience, the control issue will always be a problem for the INTJ and the independence issue will always be a sticking point for the ENFJ. Best of luck to you. -- Anonymous |
| A20 Any relationship can succeed. -- :-) |
|
|
| A21 I'm an ENFJ woman, happily married to an INTJ man. Our relationship is great! We share a commonality in obeying God's word and believe there are many elements that make relationships work. Because we both live by one standard that we can read and use as our guidebook, we mesh together on many things, while appreciating and celebrating each other's uniqueness. To answer your question - yes, it can work and it be GREAT! -- Anonymous |
| A22 I am a INTJ Male I am married to a ENFJ Female. We are incredibly happy and have a very close and intellectual relationship. We have been together for 5 years and married 2, It wasn't easy in the beginning, but there was something about her personality that I couldn't let go of. Very happy I didn't, have a very fulfilling marriage. -- Anonymous |
| A23 I agree with post A18. I am an ENFJ woman married to an INTJ. We've been married 8 years and have found that more often than not our relationship is really fulfilling and mutually supportive. We have had our communications difficulties, and have had to work to deal with them. With effort, though, it can be great! -- Anonymous |
| A24 I am an ESFJ female and I LOVE to talk about deep subjects. Debating is one of my favorite things to do ((as long as it doesn't get personal)). One of my closest friends for the past 3 years is an INTJ,and recently I've started feeling feelings for him; what do I do? I don't want to scare him, but I'm not sure it's right to keep my feelings to myself... help please! =) -- Anonymous |
| A25 My best friend is an ENFJ, and I am an INTJ. We make a team so unstoppable that we can plow you over if you mess with us (and we have done so). We watch each others' backs so effectively, we could grab a bullet that was speeding toward the other person in our hands. Our friendship is very deep, and we will attack if the other one of us is being attacked. -- Anonymous |
| A26 Generally speaking, ESFJ and INTJs need some level of control in their worlds. I am married to an ESFJ of 4 years and we have always found the balance of power to be difficult in times of transition (times when either of us didn't have our own outlets) We recently moved for her work and I am scrambling for something new. We are both highly educated and motivated people and sometimes when life takes off for 1 there can be a pressure on the relationship expectations. For us, we need outlets that feed our dominant sides outside of one antoher. My wife needs to feel and be and I need to think and become. Without our own environments to feed these needs we drive each other nuts. We do find harmony when we are working together... If we have a project or trip to plan. Things are tense right now, but I am confident that once I get my stuff in order and she finds new friendships out here that the pressure will not be so much on the relationship. -- Anonymous |
| A27 I don't think you can reduce compatibility to type, but I can give you my anecdotal perspective. I'm an ENFJ, and have been happily and faithfully married to an INTJ man for 10 years now (together for 13). We have a 5 year old son together. I love his stability, intellect (he's got a 165 IQ), quiet calm, loyalty to his loved ones, analytical mind, artistic talent, and perseverence in the face of opposition. I dislike his inability to communicate his feelings to me beyond saying 'I love you', tendency to avoid household responsibilities (although he's excellent as the main breadwinner of the house, so I generally overlook it.), tendency to let me make all the plans, and the fact that he tends to sometimes take people's reactions at face value when there are obviously other things going on, and his inability to admit fault in even the tiniest of things. I can't speak for him, but if I had to guess I would say that he likes my ability to act as a facilitator for him in social situations, my absolute loyalty as a wife, my strong opinions and healthy intellect (which he's repeatedly said were the things that drew him to me), and my emotional support. He most likely dislikes my explosive temper, tendency to argue for extended periods of time, need of extensive verbal affirmation (which he's admitted isn't his strong suit), my bouts of low self-esteem and guilt, and my need of frequent social interaction. We fight, and sometimes those fights are explosive. We're both stubborn as bulls. But I've never even come close to wanting to leave him, and I can't imagine anyone else being my husband. I love him more now than I did when we got married, and I have no question that he feels the same about me, even if I wish he would use more romantic language from time to time. Both of us had difficult childhoods, both are artists, and both are utterly devoted to one another. So it can work, but you have to have two people willing to do the hard work to remain happy together. Then again, the same can be said of any two people of any type. -- Anonymous |
| A28 I'm an ENFJ and I've been with an INTJ for 2 1/2 years now. We plan on going to college together as well as hopefully getting married and having kids one day. We have discussed these ideas with one another and have generally agreed with one another on things such as politics and religion. We bicker over little things, but never serious relationship-ending ideas. I say we get along very well, even though we're only 18. -- ENFJInLoveWithINTJ |
| A29 I am an ENFJ female, who has been dating an INTJ male. We clicked immediately! Not only intellectually, but emotionally as well. I find him to be humorous, witty, and intelligent. We have many similar interests. To date, this relationship has been the most fulfilling that I have ever had. -- Anonymous |
| *Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com* |
|
| Would you like to add anything? |
(When posting, we ask you to make the effort to qualify your opinions.)
|
|
