| Questions & Answers |
| Question #1181471453 | Sunday, 10-Jun-2007 |
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| Greetings, I would like to know if an INTj and ENFj relationship can succeed. The reason I ask is because I am an INTj and theoretically the ESFj should be most compatible, but I find this type to be intellectually unsatisfying. The ENFj, on the otherhand, is an Intuitive. I am especially interested in hearing from INTjs and ENFjs. -- Peter |
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A1 Well, being INTJ myself, I can clarify for sure that most of us seem to tend to prefer being in a relationship with someone of our intellectual 'gait'. Our logic tells us that someone similar to us would be a better partner; therefore we look for Ns or Ts - or both. As to whether or not we're right, I've got no clue.  -- stephanie |
A2 sorry for the tedium of this, but it has to be said: any relationship can succeed. you can probably find as many dysfunctional INTj/ESFj relationships as you'll find functional INTj/ENFj relationships. so much depends on context and on other elements that are beyond type. now "with that being said", if we pretend for the hell of it that all else is equal, then one possible problem point for an INTj/ENFj relationship is that, yes, while ENFj's are intuitive, their dominant function is extroverted feeling. in pragmatic everyday terms, this means that social relationships are *very* important to ENFjs, and they tend to really invest heavily in them both in terms of their personal time and, at times, financially as well. this can irk the living s*** out of virtually every INTj I've ever known. in a kind of bizarre way, I can envision an INTj thinking that their ENFj partner is using their intuitive gifts "for evil"; that is, for building social relationships that are built on nothing aside from, well, social relationships (can anything be more evil to an INTj? yes, i'm aware that ESFjs, too, are dominant extroverted feeling/Fe. but i think that there is something...acceptable (maybe even pleasant?) to INTjs about how this is expressed by ESFjs vs ENFjs (again, with all else being equal...which never happens but they taught me this phrase a long time ago in school and i use it when necessary). I think that the introverted sensing in ESFjs (their secondary function) makes "sense" to INTjs. there is a kind of logical consistency to introverted sensing - and i think that, when expressed through extroverted feeling, this becomes kind of soothing to ever-tense INTjs. amusingly, i think that this is exactly why INTps (like me), generally speaking, do NOT get along with ESFJs - because their 'logic' is so arbitary ("everyone in our neighbourhood thinks that Hondas are the best car to get, so that's what we're getting"), that it's very consistency, rather than being soothing and appreciated, is kind of harrowing.  -- Anonymous |
| A3 Let's not confuse intelligence with type. You obviously have not met an intelligent ESFj. I have met smart and stupid people of all types. We should also not confuse education with intelligence or type either; I have met a few well-educated idiots during my lifetime, some of them being INTj, which is my type. -- I/O |
| A4 God, I hope so. I'm an INTj woman about to marry an ENFj man. There are things that we differ on, but all in all we're a good match. He is very traditional though, even in his experimentation and rebellion his approach has to follow some traditional milestone. I enjoy the company of an intelligent ESFj very much but have yet to find one in a male. -- Valerie |
| A5 @A4 ESFj male is not the type that would stay single for long, maybe that's the reason? -- Anonymous |
| A6 true, not all ESFJs are stupid. but as another INTP i must confirm with A2 here. my mother is an ESFJ. we seldom talk and that's primarily because we can't -- not without an interpreter. -- Anonymous |
| A7 INTX here, I'd probably prefer ENFJ over ESFJ, ENFJ can be a little latchy though. -- Anonymous |
| A8 I had an INTJ friend who was in a relationship with I think an ENFJ or an INFJ which did not work. The ENFJ was uptight and a bit manipulative. She would continue to go back and try to bring the INTJ back into the relationship when he didn't want to but had an idealized version of the relationship in his head. She also guilt tripped him. Both of them had a lot of trouble letting go of the relationship when it wasn't working. I think it's best if J's stick with P's although obviously this isn't all the time. -- Anonymous |
| A9 I am wondering the same. I do not find my supposable opposites intresting at all either , but after studying these, I have found that I always have been intresting in either the INTPs or the INTJs. Though i find this true, I myself have found to have a strong intuitive side along with my Extroverted side. I believe this is when the manipulative side comes in. When the person contains a personality which is driven by not total emotion but by logic as well. -- Slyons |
| A10 i am a male, 55, esfj, and married a intp. She has left the marriage twice--needs the distance, cannot get close in an emotional/physical way, product of alcoholic past-i finally learned i should not be rescusing her, da. we shared many wondferful times but you cannot make someone work on something they are scared to death of her. her third marriage, my second. -- Anonymous |
| A11 There are many successful ESFJ's in medicine and law. How then does this make you feel about intellectual compatibility? -- Maritsa |
| A12 I am an infj and my best friend for 24 years is an intj(unusual for a girl) The deepest friendship ever on an extremely honest level. Infj have the patience to wait for the intj to share their thoughts and a good listener. also have a working relationship with an intj who thinks I am smart enough to have deep conversations with- I do take it as a compliment- they are some of the most rewarding relationships I have ever had, they seem to feel the same. -- Anonymous |
| A13 enfj male married to intj female: We do complement each other. Conversations are great and are at the same intellectual and interest level. I find my wife to have much emotional warmth as long as I take time to listen to her and express my desires with extreme directness. This is hard for me as I want to be romanticized without asking for it directly, but if I lay aside my default communication style for the joy of having her open up emotionally, things are dynamic and easy going. I also have to watch my volume of expressiveness when talking about our relationship, as this can often overwhelm her. We have had intense fights, but they are ultimately beneficial. She finds my "acting" to be quite pleasant and humorous, as I find her brain and beauty to be captivating. -- Aaron |
A14 Well I am a very happily married INTJ woman to an ESFJ man.  -- Anonymous |
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| A15 I am an ESFJ who is an MD. I also enjoy conversations about politics, health care, and even theoretical topics. I am also in a relationship with an INTP. It can be difficult as far as communication goes, but I love the fact we are so different. I learn things from him daily. -- Anonymous |
| A16 It actually depends on what you`re looking for in a partner. I am a female INTj and had a very bad experience with my ESFj ex,but get along with ENFjs pretty well.So,if you are attracted to intuition,rather than feeling,try an Actor.If it`s the other way around,get yourself an ESFj. -- Shiva |
| A17 My wife is an ESFj with an IQ of 166, we have been married for 7 years and I would definitely categorize our marriage as above average. Because of her personality type the first impression people get of her doesn't include her intelligence. This is something that can only be perceived through longer acquaintance and interaction (hence it takes a more thorough thinking INTj to appreciate her). ESFj’s have a strong need to be consistently appreciated etc which as an INTj I am not naturally inclined to do. This of course is something which is tougher on her than it is on me. Our marriage works best when I make the effort to understand her. Although she is quite intelligent she gets bored when I ramble on about theoretical concepts as they don't directly involve making people happier (she still listens though). Overall an INTj and ESFj marriage can work out quite well as long as both partners understand the fundamental personality differences and are willing to accept (or adjust). -- Arkad |
A18  I'm an INTJ male who is happily dating an ENFJ female. There are some problems with communication now and then, but if one looks at it merely as the challenge to learn another social language then it doesn't get in the way that much. Don't be afraid of it; they actually do work. -- Anonymous |
| *Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com* |
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