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Question #1178112334Wednesday, 2-May-2007
Category: ESFj Hidden Agenda
I am an ESFj. How do we experience our hidden agenda "to be perfect?" How does it manifest itself in our behaviour and which parts of our life does it affect? -- karen
Your Answers: 1+
A1 ESFjs ignore the possibility of misfortune and troubles that may occur in the future. They hope for a positive outcome. Because of this, many of their hopes and expectations are dashed. They want everything to be perfect. Email: clatlime@googlemail.com -- Clatlime
A2 ESFjs seem more vulnerable to "overachievement" according to prevailing social norms: e.g., the ESFj who HAS to get all A's in high school, or the adult ESFj who watches Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and longs to be so "rich and famous" believing they would "have it all." (Not that all are like this - different interpretations are possible). Also, ESFjs seem to maintain incredibly immaculate and well-ordered homes. I'm not sure if this is a valid interpretation of their HA or not. -- Anonymous
A3 I am an ESFJ who is very satisfied with my life. I have very high expectations, but when things do not work out the way I'd like them to I am not discouraged. I am always very optimistic. I am greatful for all my blessings. I had a very violent childhood and feel I deserve to be happy. I believe that everyone has a set of priorities by which they choose to live and everybody's set of priorities is different. When friends call themselves lazy because they don't have a clean house. I say it's got nothing to do with being lazy it's just that a clean house is not always an important priority. You only have so many hours in a day and you have to decide what your most important priorities are and do them 1st. I don't strive for perfection I strive for happiness. -- Anonymous
A4 This is a good question. I assumed that the hidden agenda article was implying that ESFJ's want to be seen as perfect and want others to think that all is going well in their lives, even when they are not. My mom is an ESTJ (same hidden agenda) and I think she wants to be seen as perfect. For one thing, I think she wants to be seen as a successful mom. I hear her brag to others about how proud she is of her kids. She wants her kids to pay the bill at restaurants, and once she pointed out to the server that her kids were paying the bill. Also, she smiles a lot and seems overly polite (like she's acting) around strangers sometimes. In actuality, she has quite the temper (whew!). Of course, my mom is a supportive and generous mom and always does a good job of looking neat and pretty, things that would ultimately support her hidden agenda, if I'm understanding it correctly. -- infp
A5 I would like more answers to this question, please, or direction to further information. -- infp
A6 I think that ESFjs may overlook (or be unaware of) their heart's desire because they try to fit a role in society, such as "hardworking manager" or "dutiful housewife" (i.e. perfect person). ESFjs may need INTjs to help them understand their thought patterns to help them see who they are and what they think aside from who society says they are. INFp doesn't need this assistance and is perhaps too aware of her own wants, opinions, strengths and weaknesses and is more individualistic, like enneagram type 4, the individualist. INFps can lose sight of their worth to society if they only considers their own desires instead of how they can serve others. It seems that ESFjs are more aware of their worth to others and may feel overburdened at times because others have come to depend on them/expect a certain service from them, but they continue offering the service in an effort to maintain "perfection." -- learning
A7 Perfectionism is a manifestation of insecurity, which is fallout from a general inability “to see the forest for the trees”. ESXj desire security so a motto of theirs would be “look after the pennies and the dollars will look after themselves”. They would then busy themselves and others with detail of what they know according to their own standards in a hope that the overall picture will work itself out. They assume that the more detail that is included, the more the chances of overall success, and most times this would be true. However, ESXj are types that can be blindsided more so than most because they can overlook the dark side even when they’re standing right in it. When things do work out, they are usually so relieved, and can appear surprised that it actually did. -- I/O
A8 So ESFjs weakness is that they can't see the bigger picture and cannot forsee trouble, so they try to be "perfect" by tending meticulously to small detail? I can see this, but I believe ESFj will also seem to be unaware of his individual value system, so he depends on an outside value system to make decisions and be "perfect." This is why ESFj needs INTjs, so they can help ESFj see who he/she is based on basic or scientific tendencies of people. You did a great job of telling me about my tendencies when I asked about your article. Why do you think INTjs are as interested as you are in personality theory? They seem to dominate this web site. Another good web site I've found was created by an INTj. Obviously, they can help their extroverted dual in this area. INFp also helps her dual with seeing who he is. Beside the point, but she also has to be in touch with her imperfection so she can identify with and love ESTp's imperfection and help ESTp face and love his imperfection. (Of course, I'm theorizing here.) -- learning
A9 A8, ESFj may be more subject to society’s influence than INTj when developing their values, but what’s wrong with that so long as the final outcome is healthy? As an INTj, I am interested in type because I am emotionally blind, and type is a tool to help me see; an ESFj is also a guide through my darkness since they have social awareness in spades. I write to exercise my subconscious Fe, an introvert extroverting himself online. I can place my inner vision in text and view it for correct intent before expressing it to others. I can be an extreme perfectionist over my creations, but perfectionism toward objectives can impede social awareness unless the objective is social awareness. Thankfully, ESFj are subconsciously attracted to perfectionists. -- I/O
A10 A9, I suppose you're right. There's nothing wrong with following society's values as long as it is a healthy pursuit. But I would think that at some point in life everyone wants to know more about who he/she is and someone (like ESFj) who always bases his/her decisions on values other than his own would especially want help in seeing a clearer picture of him/herself as an individual. BTW, I think your posts and articles are great. I'm not an ESFj, but I appreciate that your comments are well written and thoughtful. I'm glad that you're here (at this site). -- learning
A11 I've often heard ESFj's say outwardly, 'perfect!', but alternatively, I think the hidden agenda is "to be remembered" or that is intricately interconnected to them fulfilling their hidden agenda "to be perfect". When considering ESFj's take kindly to compliments and recognition, unconsciously, this implies the positive construct of remembering them thereby affirming their self-worth, which is understood as 'being perfect'. -- Anonymous
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A12 I've noticed that ESFJs have a value system which is usually the status quo. They think things should be a "certain way" and strive to meet their own standards. They don't seem to realize that not everyone embraces the same things that they do. I had an ESFj friend in high school who was dating an INTP, and was furious when he didn't want to go to prom. That was the 'it' thing and she didn't understand how anyone wouldn't want to go. This is one example of how their hidden agenda plays out. -- Anonymous
A13 The answer is obvious: interaction with your dual, INTj, that's how its manifested. "To be perfect" is not a goal attained individually, if it were, duality and the hidden agenda is false (Re-read the duality description, and review the hidden agenda article). Interaction generates learning so an ESFj interacting with an INTj would learn what it means 'to be perfect'. Another note: 'to be perfect' is not literal, the concept of perfection exists in math, science, philosophy and ethics, sometimes 'perfection' is explictly expressed, sometimes, implictly or sometimes, synonymously expressed. The hidden agenda implies a secret agenda, or hidden goal. The ESFj hides this fact: to be perfect; and the INTj does not. Another possiblility is the ESFj makes this agenda explictly open, whereas the INTj does not. Lasly, since duality is reciprocal, an INTj learns what its means "to be healthy" from an ESFj. I'd assume since your asking this question your likely not apart of a dual relation or misunderstand the concept of duality and hidden agenda; its all about interdependence (get over yourself). -- Anonymous
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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