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Question #1177528941Wednesday, 25-Apr-2007
Category: ESFj INTp Dating Intertype Relations
I'm ESFJ female dating with INTP male, which is claimed to be my conflicting partner. Is it possible that this realtionship can ever work? can conflicting partners ever get on well? It seems to me that there is a very little difference between my dual partner type so INTJ and the conflicting type INTP. How does it work and can any of us ever change enough so that we can become a match up? -- Emma
Your Answers: 1+
A1 You have to be careful to judge your relationship on intertype compatibility basis only. You can take it into account ONLY if you're 100% sure you've got your type and the type of your boyfriend correct. Unless you're some sort of expert in Socionics, there is always a chance that you could have made a mistake, in which case you obviously cannot consider the Intertype compatibility issue. And no, you can't change your type to become a match up, however you can change your attitude to patch up few problems, but the core of the problems won't go away. -- Dr. Zoidberg
A2 Is it working now? Based on my experience with ESFj's, I wouldn't even start a relantionship with one. So if there doesn't seem to be initial problems, maybe there won't be any later either. -- INTp
A3 I too am an ESFj/p female who dated an INTp male for a couple of years. The relationship started out very positively, we both found each other's qualities both interesting and inspiring, in fact it was probably the most romantic time I've ever had in any partnership. This was due to his amazing imagination, his almost "pure" affection and his sponteneity. Unfortunately his INTP intuition decided I wasn't for him! Hope all goes better for you. -- Anonymous
A4 My experience with my conflictor is, we sort of like each other or at least find the other person sort of interesting at the beginning but once we get so much as an inch closer, it's immediately obvious that we can't get along. And I'm just talking about my colleagues at work. We simply can't get our messages through. TO me, she takes everything personally and just doesn't make sense and I can't make her see what I wnat her to see. BAck to you, the fact that you find him okay maybe a sign that you've got at least one of you and him typed wrongly. Of course, there's always exception. -- Anonymous
A5 Can anyone speak to an ESFJ dating an ESTJ? -- Anonymous
A6 Yes, it works- but only for a season. Your boyfriend probably knows that it won't last forever, but he'll strive to give you love with a purity that is almost child-like. Enjoy your moments while it still lasts. -- simoncpu
A7 No. An INTj and INTp are very different. INTjs welcome the ESFj's attempts at opening them up, INTps would tend to find the ESFj's approach annoying. As an INTp. I seriously cannot imagine at all how a INTp - ESFj relationship would work out. Perhaps it could, if you guys don't get close to each other, then again, it defeats the purpose of a relationship. Forget about changing yourself or that someone just to make it workout, it doesn't work that way. -- Anonymous
A8 Hey I am a very very big time ESFJ and my b/f is the biggest INTP you'll ever meet. He's my little robot. LOL.. and yes, he get's easily annoyed with everything I do and I proceed to tell him he doesn't care about things when he does, he just doesn't show it. Aside from that sense of things... he's amazing. He tends to drive me insane at times and half the time I can't understand some of the things he says or does... but at the end of the day I can't see myself laying down next to anyone else. He's my best friend. I think these two completely different types of people fail when they are together because they don't use their differences together as a team. I personally think it's a black and white thing. Yin and Yang but with me being an ESFJ and my babe being an INTP... granted we do butt heads... for the most part we make a great team because we approach obstacles together and at different sides. It's actually quite great! I love him more than anything and once I read up more on INTP's and how they work.. I do what I can to remind myself that "x" for me doesn't mean "x" for him.... I am totally rambling now... but I love my INTP and even though he's very logical and kills buzz topics about ghosts and stuff he's still fun and teaches me a lot. Think positively about the relationship and just don't look at it negatively or it will turn out that way. -- Anonymous
A9 I'm surprised how many times i've seen this relationship. male INTP and female ESFJ. Yes, it can work, but it will always be frustrating! another thing is that it can be a very one-sided relationship. ESFJs (especially females) are like relational lions. they are very loyal, and can be controlling if they aren't careful. Male INTPs are like relational lambs. ESFJs I know will do anything to make their relationship work, and INTPs are very much the opposite, and passive. If you're not careful, you'll end up being in a relationship where you're 99%in it, and he's 1% in it, but he's too passive to get out of it. OK- so that was really negative, but just something to think about. There's probably a whole lot to your INTP you don't pick up on, and that can be frustrating for both of you. -- Anonymous
A10 Just be careful and enjoy it while you can, because it probably won't last forever. -- Anonymous
A11 I'd just like to remind people that MBTI INTP often works out to be Socionics INTj, which is ESFj's Dual. Whenever I see someone use the MBTI acronym (INTP, all caps) instead of the Socionics acronym (INTp, last letter lowercase), I become suspicious that they're actually talking about MBTI types, not Socionics, especially when they're talking about INTP and ESFJ being involved in a successful relationship, like the questioner and A8. A conflicting relationship like ESFj/INTp, if one could theoretically make it work, would take a whole lot of commitment and hard work, and would be full of turmoil and hurt feelings. -- Krig (INTj)
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A12 Krig, how is P in MBTI a j in socionics? The j/p distinction is relatively similar in MBTI and socionics. I've read other posts and you say they classify introverts differently, so wouldn't that be an E/I distinction rather than a j/p? -- Anonymous
A13 A12: It has to do with functions. The letters themselves are irrelevant; they're merely tools to represent the functions underneath. The problem occurs when a person attempts to use the letters (ie. the representation) as the actual theory. It has nothing to do with what a J or P means in terms of personality, and what the J or P means in terms of functions. In MBTI, the J/P denotes which function is extraverted; if the Judging fucntion is extraverted, then the person is a J. If the Perceiving function is extraverted, then the person is a P. So, in MBTI, an INTP has Ti/Ne, and is a P, because their perceiving function is the extraverted function. With ESFJ, Fe/Si, they're a J, because their Judging function is extraverted, while their Perceiving function is introverted. In socionics, however, the j/p distinction denotes whether the Judging or Perceiving function is the dominant function itself, not which function is the extraverted function. So in socionics, someone with Ti dominant becomes a j, because their dominant is a Judging function. Thus, someone who is Ti dominant with Ne secondary (Ti/Ne) would be INTj in socionics (whereas they would be INTP in MBTI). An ESFj in socionics, is still Fe/Si, because their dominant function is extraverted, and their dominant function is a Judging function. A12, the distinction is both an E/I and a j/p distinction. In either theory, the E/I and j/p distinctions are only tools to denote the order in which the functions are used (ie. which is dominant, which is secondary). The E/I and j/p distinctions themselves tell us nothing about the individual, as they're merely symbols of a formula which demonstrate the underlying principle. While it's been found that certain tendencies tend to arise in people who fall along the E, I, J, or P categories, they're not actual functions themselves, nor are they meant to convey any information other than denoting the order in which the Judging (T/F) and Perceiving (S/N) functions are arranged. Thus, the only part of the 4 letter code which tells us information about how the inidividual functions is the S/N and T/F letters, while the other 2 (E/I and J/P) tell us in what way the S/N and T/F letters are used. One set of letters is the baseline observation of personality functions that are being used, the other is the implementation of said functions. -- Anonymous
A14 Looks like A13 explained it quite correctly and thoroughly. I'll just add this: as a general rule, to convert an introvert from MBTI to Socionics, just switch the J to p, or the P to j. Extraverts are generally the same in both systems. However, due to differences in the way types are described, I find that it is best to simply ignore MBTI altogether, and focus solely on learning Socionics. Socionics is by far the superior system. -- Krig (INTj)
A15 Don't worry, one of you will kill the other soon. -- Anonymous
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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