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Question #1176327578Wednesday, 11-Apr-2007
Category: ENFj ISTj Dating Relationship Advice
I have recently fallen for a ISTJ(guy), and I am a ENFJ(female). Problem is he shows interest in me, then for week(s)at a time he distances himself from me, almost like he withdrawls back into his own little world. I get mixed signals from this, I am so confused! I want him badly but im not sure how to get him to open up to me. I do not understand ISTJs type! I know he likes me as I do him, but im sure he doesn't realize how much I love him. We haven't dated or been together yet.. but came really close once or twice. He is single & so am I, so it cannot be another person who is getting his attention. Well I do not know what to do to KEEP his attention directed towards me.... Please help! -- Webgirl
Your Answers: 1+
A1 Keep pursuing him, eventually he will just settle in with it(even if he isn't as interested as you). Once that happens he will be quite content. ISTjs don't like dealing with change so I wouldnt worry about him running away. -- Goombay Mama
A2 Allow me to put on my ISTj hat for a minute. The motivating force for pragmatists in social relationships, especially romantic ones, is propriety. That is things should be done properly - and believe me, your would be beau, has a list of rules for romance even if they aren't written down. ISTj's have rules for EVERYTHING. The reason he's distancing himself from you is that he doesn't want to appear out-of-control; more importantly, to let anything that he has a part in get out of control. Responsibility is a very big deal for us ISTj's. (Distance is your boyfriend's way of letting things - especially himself - simmer down.) The hard part is that since Ni is our Hidden Agenda, we can be real doofuses when it comes to timing and particularly timing of events where feelings are involved. -- Anonymous
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A3 All of that makes perfect sense to me, thankie. I think perhaps he wants the control of when/how/if a relationship is to occur between us. I indeed know for a fact that he wants me, I can just tell it in the way he touches me.. but he seems really hesitant about making major moves and well to be honest im making most the moves... so maybe im scaring him a bit. Erm, I guess I should behave better. Lets hope in the end, im not to flamboyant for him! -- Webgirl
A4 As female bodies take arousal time, so do male emotions. Use this wisley. A 'builder' type such as ISTJ will notice and respect this tact - usually without saying so. A male ENFJ once said to me one of his best mates tripped him over as a greeting because he was a homeboy. Istj's do not like others having higher ground that's fo' sure. -- Matt.
A5 Hi web girl! I’m an ISTJ too so you are my dual. And I do have some experience. From what I read here is he is not open with you. He’s got some hang-ups and does realize how easy it can be to be open and honest with you. Is he reacting to something on your end like you smell bad, have 5 teenage sons, or have a dozen boyfriends? Just be realistic on what is on your end and don’t overlook the obvious. On the opening up part of this just show him. Don’t be shy, no filters, just be real. Getting this relationships moving forward should be a piece of cake, really. I remember my first dual girlfriend, I really enjoyed being with her, and we did a lot of cool stuff. I felt she was so normal. But she had another boyfriend she liked in particular who she got pregnant by. And she just liked to pick up guys at the bar or wherever to have sex with. One night while she was drinking a bottle of wine she wanted me to do her doggy style on the couch, I had never had sex with her up to that point, but it was difficult to do because I knew she was nailing so many other guys. I couldn’t stand it anymore and dumped her. She hounded me for months. I had hangs ups too with intimacy at the time too. It may have worked out had she not been such a whore. My current girlfriend had no problems stating it up with me. It was on like donkey kong on the first date. Use a little emotion, some touching, two steps forward one step back and let nature take its course. You could talk about how good it will feel to be held and touched and about how you are imagining this in the future. It should be easy stuff to do. -- Tom
A6 I am so relieved that I am not the only one facing such a "problem" with an ISTJ type. He likes me I know but just disappears for weeks together and I don't know what sense to make of it. I have messaged on more than one occasion but he replies to the point leaving no scope for further conversation. I have decided to let it be for some time. Let's see what happens. -- Reni (ENFP)
A7 Maybe you are reading to much into his 'disappearing' he is an introvert after all. I don't know how to get his attention, but I can tell you introverts have fewer friends but closer ties. So maybe..maybe it will take longer to get into his world, but once your there he won't want to break ties because it's hard work for an introvert to make them so often they don't like the idea of breaking them. -- Bob
A8 ISTJs are weird until you get to know them. Just keep trying. -- Anonymous
A9 I am ISTJ female 39, my boyfriend is also ISTJ 38. We are very much similar in our way of thinking. I didn't realize I was an introvert type coz with my boyfriend I am very much extravert kind. It says introvert are quiet people, thats true but with each other we are very open when it comes to communication. Nothing is kept secrets between us. To others, we are very introverted. ISTJ are honest people. If they like you, they aren't afraid to go after what they want, especially ISTJ men. We analyze everything, so if he's not taking you out yet then he is definitely not interested. ISTJ likes people who are reserve, dependable, intelligent, goodlooks, responsible...pretty much like them except the controlling part. They don't like being control coz they are controlling themselves. They dislike attention seekers. Not saying this is you, just saying there's a reason why he hadn't go after you yet. He's not that into you. -- Summer
A10 Sounds like he's not into you. If he doesn't make the effort, just move on, or you'll just fall into more confusion. -- ISFj
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