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Question #1175990869Sunday, 8-Apr-2007
Category: ESTj INFj Duality Theory
How do ESTjs handle their relationships? What are the stages that ESTj + INFj go through in order to dualize? Any do's/don't's? Helpful hints? Please don't say, "go with the flow" because as you get older, you learn a bunch of "garbage" and deny your natural instincts such that "just let things happen naturally" doesn't work anymore. I never "dualized" before. But I have semi-dualized (if I can say that) with ENTjs - it is much easier for me to connect with them now, after having various friendships (which WERE rough at first). That knowledge is not helping with ESTjs, however. -- blahblahblah
Your Answers: 1+ 11+
A11 A10, your response is HILARIOUS! I am an INFJ female currently in a relationship with an ESTJ male. There are two things to note, however. Number one, our personalities are pretty much balanced. I don't go off the deep end as an INFJ (i.e., for each MBTI factor, I'm not high on the percentages), and he doesn’t as an ESTJ. And two, I believe we are both emotionally mature. My ESTJ guy is emotionally mature in that he is not as stubborn as ESTJ's are known for, although he is business-like in formal settings and informal when we are alone (which I don't mind). I tend to be the same in each situation (i.e., in formal and informal situations). Also, my ESTJ guy is in tune with his E side in that he has a tendency to blab while I just listen. I don't mind it really. As long as he's got something to say, I'll listen to him. Other times I'll throw in my two cents and crack a joke, which he enjoys. Another thing I see working in our relationship is that whenever we face issue, we go about it as if working towards a solution instead of "sharing our feelings". He was emotionally drained the other day as I was telling him a painful story about my past. Not to gain his sympathy, but to allow him to understand me better as a person. Afterwards, he laughed our heads off with Family Guy. I could share more, but right now we are just starting out. As for the rest of you, I hope this helps. In regards to duals (specifically INFJ/ESTJ), it is possible to have a relationship with your dual so as long as each has: (1) a balanced personality (those high in certain factors like an S or an n F may want to look for someone similar to that), and (2) each must be emotionally mature. -- Anonymous
A12 I'm an INFj and I was in a dual relationship for a very short period of time. We are still friends, and great friends at that, but somehow the romantic element didn't play out. In the beginning of the relationship, I wasn't sure of my feelings toward him. He appeared very confident, very "these are the facts" sometimes, and sometimes that was off-putting because I work on a very person-to-person basis. He has always been terrible about knowing what people think about other people or himself (due to the position of his ). He once said to me, "You always know what I'm thinking, but I never know what you're thinking, and that scares me." He never had a problem admitting that he didn't know something, but if he thought he knew something, there was NO convincing him otherwise, which was also kind of a bother. Despite some minor issues, I always found myself drawn to him and admiring many of his qualities. He is so good at running his life, and I would like someone like that in my life because I tend to worry about where the income is coming from. At the same time, ESTjs need an INFjs emotionally savvy to work through their own relationships on a more than surface level. As far as how the relationship develops, I would recommend being optimistic in the relationship. I myself kept worrying about what might have been missing or going wrong instead of seeing the beautiful aspects of what was happening right in front of me. Communication is key, of course. Be yourself and they will probably be drawn to you, even if only for friendship. -- Anonymous
A13 I have a ESTJ bf and it's not working out at all. He shows no concern, even comes off a cold when I tell him my feelings. He runs anytime I try to talk about anything. He has little to no communication skills outside of what he does for a living. He doesn't seem very thoughtful, and I find myself almost talking to myself when I tell him anything. Every now and again, he will open up and tell me something dealing with his feelings or his thoughts, but mostly he says nothing and expect me to talk. He will listen, but he will hardly say a word or give an opinion on what I talk about, no matter what it is. When there is a misunderstanding, I try to talk it out with him and see where we went wrong. He instantly feels that he is being blamed so he gets angry quickly and leaves aburptly if we are talking on the phone. In fact, he gets angry quickly if I ask him small questions like "What are you doing?" "What did you do today?". He may reply "nothing"...then I may say, "You had to do SOMETHING today". then he is annoyed. It's impossible to actually have a conversation with him. I'm in the process of letting him go, because I feel my needs are not being met, even in the least. I always wondered what his personality type was, after some research I am pretty sure he's a ESTJ (he would have never actually take the test, although I asked just for fun). I wish I had known, then I would have never got emotionally involved. I'm a INFJ of course. -- Indeed
A14 To A13: I am having the same problems! It really makes me wonder if dual theory is legitimate at all! I feel like I appreciate him, but am unappreciated. My LSE very rarely wants to discuss his feelings toward anything (even me). He also expects me to do a lot of talking, but when I try to initiate conversation it's like it doesn't work. And when I tell him that I'm trying, he basically tells me it's just not good enough, oh well. He has zero patience, and is infuriated over the tiniest, most insignificant things - even if what made him mad was only me trying to be helpful or loving!! When I try to talk to him about misunderstandings, whether on my part or his part, he instantly feels that he is being blamed and gets- guess what?- angry. Considering the way he reacts to me, I would not be surprised if he is unhappy in the relationship, but God forbid I every try to talk to him about that. Do any LSEs out there have any recommendations? What should I do? -- Confused INFj
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A15 I'm in the process of pursuing an ESTj female. She claims to be an ESTj and, so far, she really does look and act like one. In any case, so far things have not been quite as ideal and interactions not quite as seamless and natural as I thought they would be. We Skype once last week and a couple of days ago we spend the afternoon together chatting, getting to know one another, et cetera. I wouldn't say our interaction was bad... it just didn't feel quite as amazing and earth-shattering as socionics describes such dual-type interactions. I'm totally physically attracted to her and our beliefs and values are in-sync. I feel that we just can't quite 'click' totally- strange given that she's my dual. What gives? -- Anonymous
A16 I am a female INFj, 100% certain of my type. I’ve only ever met one man in my life who I wanted to marry, and I am quite sure he is an ESTj. Every decision he makes is based entirely on what seems logical and practical. He seems to not be aware of or in-tune with his feelings, and when he realizes that he feels strongly about someone it scares him and his first reaction is to avoid it. He doesn’t like talking about how he feels and gets irritated if you bring it up. He is also highly independent and self-sufficient. When we first met, there was an obvious mutual attraction and I think that made him uncomfortable. When I first talked to him, I was taken aback by how rude he seemed at times. I was more open with my feelings and I think that scared him. Getting into the first stage of duality is actually very difficult, but you will likely keep ending up in each other’s lives throughout the years. -- Anonymous
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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