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Question #1175855247Friday, 6-Apr-2007
Category: ENTp ENTj Marriage Family Advice
I've reached a dead end with my ENTJ parter. Being ENTP I cannot stand his pessimistic views on people, things and the whole human race. I also see myself so much more flexible and ready to thrust myself on our relationship. He says he loves me but it's easy to see that his career is the most important aspect of his life. Now after a 10 year relationship together I'm ready to have children and buy a house with him, then dedicate myself to the family life. He want's to travel the world for his job that's not, on one hand, paying the morgage, neither is it committing him to raising a child, since he spends a third of a year in foreign countries. He would like to start a family but thinks I should take the main responsibility for it. Is this guy a wrong type for me and we an impossible match? Which type matches best with ENTP? -- Masa
Your Answers: 1+ 15+
A1 this is not something socionics can help you. our advices and opinions only serve to further confuse you coz we don't know nth. leave socionics out of this. talk to him and tell him what you want. -- Anonymous
A2 I have observed, and read, that people who are alike have the best chance of succeeding in marriage. Based on your post, it sounds like your priorities are different. Are you alike? Often relationships run into a problem of the partners not admitting that they have a "sunk cost," all of the time, effort, and emotions that went into the relationship. Only you can decide if you want to walk away. Also, after ten years you're not even married? You used the word 'partner,' not spouse. How committed of a relationship is that? You or the other party might simply walk away without any legal obligations. -- econdude
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A3 As the poster who wrote A1 implied socionics is not the be all and end all of interpersonal relationships; so please take this advice with the provebial grain-of-salt. First, are you sure of your type and your partner's type? If so, then understand that ENTp and ENTj are outwardly highly similar - you have, on the surface, seemingly identical points of view. However, in socionics terms the two of you are quasi-identical partners. In close relationships quasi-identical partners tend to grate on one another. The reason similar functions of opposite color tend to have a corrective, "critical parent" kind of affect on one another. Further, since you are ENTp and your partner is ENTj: your confident function, , undermines his creative function, ; and vice versa. His confident function, , undermines your creative function, . All of this is because a person typically considers the function of the opposite color of their confidence as mundane, or rudimentary; while the function of opposite color to their creativity is considered unnecessary. In sum the other's intelligence appeals to one, but apart from that the other appears to do most things in an odd or irritating way. -- Anonymous
A4 you're an ENTP - get objective! he's not giving you what you want. get out and find someone who will - or be miserable. you know those are your two choices. -- Anonymous
A5 According to Socionics intertype relations theory, an ISFp is the best match for an ENTp. -- Anonymous
A6 sorry, but a glaring problem you have is that you're not taking ANY responsibility for the problems in your relationships. it's entirely about him and what he's doing (wrong). you have played a role in that, indirectly and directly. if you want to avoid the same problem in your next relationship, or worse, repeating the ones in this one, then go somewhere quiet and use all of your ENTp abilities to see what you're doing. and you can start by trying to poke holes in your story that he's 100% the problem and you're a victim. sorry, but if you came here looking for oprah, she's with the baked ham at the moment and you'll have to come back in a few days. -- Anonymous
A7 I agree 100% with A6. ENTPs to protect their egos always blame the other person, never themselves. If they do not stop doing this they will never truly understand/accept themselves warts and all and they will never find someone to love them. -- Anonymous
A8 @A4 There's a 3rd option. She could grow as a person and drop those ridicilous exceptations that ENTp's often have about relationships. There isn't a person on earth that will match them. Being a relationship is about sharing your life with your partner. Not about being the sole purpose of someone elses life. -- INTp guy
A9 Speaking as a fellow NTJ (granted I'm an INTJ), he's always going to be a critical, skeptic. It's just in the nature. That suspicious nature is just going to creep out no matter how much you try to supress's probably going to creep out even more if you do. There's going to be an aspect of all personalities that you aren't going to like. Even if you had another ENTP, you'd probably become fussy because they might want more attention than you do. INTJ's would already know that you think they're snarky little pessimists and wouldn't care very much that you do. I don't know aobut the ENTJ, but I'm guessing that he already knows too. If you're going to talk to him about things, just don't be repetitive. But I agree with INTp guy up there...big shock. -- Anonymous
A10 update: oprah is still with the baked ham. details are sketchy, but unconfirmed reports from senior officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, suggest that the pig is an ISTp who is waiting for just enough to be eaten before he calls his personal injury attorney. over to you, kent. -- Anonymous
A11 @ A4 - He's not going to intuitively grasp a plan you aren't clearly defining, or at least I wouldn't plan on it anytime soon. Sounds to me like this is your proposal: He pays the mortgage better now while traveling around the world even more now and later (probably having no fun, I assure you) to risk having your leveraged unhappiness now not be quite good enough for him. It sounds to me like those are the negotiating terms. Make more money pal, make the sacrifices, do it now, and do it later, except if it's not good enough for me now, well, you may be screwed on this. Could you explain to me again why this might not be ideal for him? A strong case of "my rosy colored sunglasses require someone to pay for more than i do now and later so i can be happy now" is risking fatality here. ENTJ. Granted. - ENTJ If you just want a better argument, you're thrusting this broken either or into the discussion that's totally unsubstantiated by any real sense of what plays here. If there's no compromise, where's your power to compromise? Or did you forget that in your bag of tricks a long time ago. If you are unhappy now, define your terms more clearly, ask them to define their terms more clearly or get out, or get out, in that order. It's not about the right answer, it's not about the right question, it's about the right sequence. If his box doesn't include your happiness, that seems quite possible. Except -ENTJ -- Anonymous
A12 I can't believe the nasty negative tone of the remarks to Masa. I am shocked! Masa, your expectation about the money are reasonable in a way. I.e. the ENTJ is hard driving, self centered, a workaholic and wants to have his independence AND all his needs met. While at the same time, his need to dominate and his underdeveloped feeling function mean he is not especially able to hear your needs, accept them, and fill them. Classically the way the loop is closed is that a strong independent woman accepts that the main thing the ENTJ offers is a) respect for social conventions and commitment to formal marriage and raising a family and b) he is good with money, brings in a big paycheck and uses it wisely. The result can be a wife with a relatively financially secure but emotionally starved life. The problem in your case is the ENTJ has ALL the negatives of the ENTJ and NEITHER of these two big advantages. This what you are complaining about. It is quite true that we all bear responsibility for our lives and for doing something. You have discharged that responsibility by asking for advice. Your point is a very valid one. Just because YOU may indeed have lots of issues as yet to be addressed doesn't mean the problems of emotional starvation and childlessness are not real. THis guy is much much worse than a male chauvinist pig-at least they expect to fulfill the male role and do SOMETHING. He wants you to pay the mortgage, have the baby without involving him, be there as and when he requires and have no needs he has to fill. This is a complete one way street of take take take and no give. I do agree that his faults are not ultimately where you should focus. They are in a way irrelevant. The goal is not to discover what is wrong with him but to develop what is RIGHT with you. This is true for me certainly. I am in a similar relationship and my problem is attachment (I am an ENTP with a lot of I and F) Good luck BTW A man might wait 20 years for something to happen but a woman who wants children has more problems. -- little mermaid
A13 I used to be with an ENTJ, they have admirable qualities yet little mermaid is right. This relationship will never change for you, if you want to bring more happiness your way this isn't gonna be the one to work for you. As an ENTP myself I would never be involved romantically with an ENTJ again. They definitely need someone less independent and more caretaking, that is why the ISFJ is their dual. I have a few ISFP friends, this is your dual the ISFP. They are fun, flexible, and caring, very cool people. -- Anonymous
A14 According to type theory your ideal match, as an ENTP, would be with an INFJ, so you are pretty far off the mark. Also, according to some sites I've read, the ENTJ see's career as #1, and their significant other as an accessory. They are also known for being narrow in focus and pessimistic. This is a generalization, but one that I have seen some pattern for. If this holds for you then I'm sure it probably is a downer. Based on what you describe, things will probably not change... I can't say anything further than this though. What you do is completely up to you, based on your own judgment, and broad advice of all around you. Good luck. -- JJ (intp)
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