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| Question #1172795683 | Friday, 2-Mar-2007 |
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| I have been dating a ISTP guy for 6 months. Two weeks ago i brought up some of our career difference in hopes we could solve them. He wants to farm. I am a teacher and think i want to live in the city. A week later he broke up with me without dicussing his feelings, saying things will not work because of our differences. I had no idea this was coming as i thought we were just discussing it to solve our differences. Finally i told him that we could solve our differences. I could move to the farm or closer. He still said he wanted to break up because he was not sure of his feelings. He felt we were good friends. Nothing more. However, he was very upset and said "he may have feelings for me, but he may have been holding them back so as not to hurt me." He was very upset and crying each time we spoke, saying i was a wonderful person and not sure why he does not have feelings for me. Can someone make sense of this? Is this just cold feet? He just wants to be friends for a while. He wants to step back and think about his feelings. Does this sound like an ISTP? -- V |
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| A1 I'm going out on a wild intuitive jump here: maybe he does feel an emotional bond with you but is questioning how physically attracted he is to you now. If you aren't keeping yourself up, or have bad breath, or are smelling funny, or have a break-out ... some ISTps get fickle as these things are major turnoffs enough to kill the relationship. And so if you bring up any emotional or psychological issue on top of this, that could be just enough to be "too complicated" and the relationship no longer worth it to them - it just doesn't seem right to them anymore, not what they envision in what a relationship should be (recall how pragmatic they are, and longing for simplicity). This could be 100% wrong though. ISTps need to advise on this. -- cocktail in a tiki glass |
| A2 Oh, and another thing - maybe his reasons are beyond just the physical. Maybe he is discovering what he really wants in a partner and is sad to discover that you plain aren't it. Those are the kinds of things when, if you ask, "what can I do differently?" his desires may be so different from who you are that conforming to his "ideal" would no longer even let you be you. This happens the time. Remember that there are many more people one may be willing to date and even have serious feelings than marry and call a life partner. Your willingness to compromise, if received, would push the relationship to a deeper level and he is apparently just uncomfortable with that. Out of curiosity, what's your type? -- cocktail in a tiki glass |
| A3 I am an ENFP. so i am his dual. I think this is the first time that i have had a close relationship with a dual. Thanks for your input -- Anonymous |
| A4 Maybe he really is just having cold feet or maybe he really doesn't feel like you two can be together. This is not something we can tell you just by looking at his type and I'm sure you understand that. And I know this must feel real bad for both you and him. Some non-socionics advice: give him some time. Sounds like you don't want to give up on this relationship so easily, so why not wait a bit and see what happens? Give him some space and let him figure this out himself. Myabe he really is just having cold feet? And, if he is indeed an ISTp and cries everytime you two talk about your relationship, you must mean a lot to him, as a friend or as a lover. Good luck. -- Anonymous |
| A5 ISTP males and their relationships are extremely complicated. They often carry on what appears to be a 'pseudo-romantic' relationship with the women in their lives, while still regarding them as no more than good friends. They may be physically affectionate, etc, which reads as "more than friends" to the average person, but to the ISTP you are just good friends. Nothing more. It does take them a while to sort out their feelings, but invariably the reason for their lack of long-term interest was decided very early on - almost unfairly early, i.e. before they really know you. Add to this the ISTP's fraternal instinct, which translates to a desire to maintain relationships with people who share their interests, and you have a person who keeps their lack of romantic interest to themselves for far too long in fear of loosing a buddy. While others are building emotional attachments in these scenarios, an ISTP is trying to figure out how to extricate themselves from an unwanted relationship without loosing a good friend. They are extremely picky but appearance and conflict situations weigh heavily on their decisions - one fight or one moment of feeling pressured by you and they will decide "it won't work out". Once an ISTP decides that you exist in the "good friend" category, they do not change their minds. This is my experience/observation with several ISTP's in my life as friends, family and ex-lovers. It is not cold feet - they are searching for an ideal that almost no human being can measure up to. The hidden agenda is key here - they want to love, but it has to be "perfect" in order to provide (an unreasonable) guarantee that they will not feel pain, loss, rejection or restriction from boredom. -- Anonymous |
| A6 So there is no chance that my ISTP ex-boyfriend has deeper feelings even when he is saying that he is sorting out his feelings and will get back to me? He had a very hard time telling me he thought we were just friends. But he has not contacted me in three weeks and in his last emails and phone calls he promised that he was going to get back on his feelings. So i guess i can just assume that he put me in the friend catorgory a long time ago and this is just his way of breaking things off...letting me think there is hope when there is none? ISTP act very different with love. With him he never wanted to tell me if he loved me even though he said i was the best thing that ever happened to him.Personally I can not figure out his feelings. Seems like he did have feelings but he continually fought thoughts feelings and would only get so close and then back off. V -- Anonymous |
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| A7 I dated one particular ISTP for 6 months several years ago. I thought he was reasonably committed - all words and actions "proved it". Out of the blue, he broke up with me and cried on the phone about having to do it. In 6 months, we never had an argument, though I often had to push to get a response about some things. Anyway, I tried for 3 days to get some sort of explanation and he said "I'll have to get back to you on that". Messages were not returned after that. Two years later, he sends me an instant message as if nothing ever happened - now we chat occassionally on the net as friends. No amount of reasoning or asking is going to change their minds. I've had similar situations with three other ISTP's - they just "drift" into the friend zone if you have any disagreement of any kind before they move in or marry you. They don't like a) being prodded on a decision, b) feeling as though they have to compromise to keep the peace, or c) conflict of any kind. You won't hear about it, but internally, they are separating from you until a break is possible for them. ISTP's are typically Enneagram 9w8's (at least in all of my experiences). If you're familiar with that typing system, it may expand understanding of ISTP's. I'm dealing with yet another one right now - same pattern. We're friends, for the most part. -- Anonymous |
| A8 How depressing. So how do ISTps fall in love? It just happens nicely for them, according to plan? They DO find their ideal? Most people's ideal isn't even what they think it is - until they discover it. And surely they are not all a bunch of loners who run the other direction every time ... ? I know old people who are ISTps. Married, sometimes multiple times. Somehow THEY managed to "fall in love." Is it common for an ENFp to believe there is romantic chemistry with a beloved who just so happens to be wired as an ISTp, when it is not mutual? I'm very confused. Why in the world would someone fight their feelings for someone, meanwhile hurting the other person so as to "not hurt them." (tears) Unless as A5 said, one simply does not meet their ideal requirements - in this VERY unideal, broken world. And so maybe they tend to be very all or nothing in their heart, and indeed if you do not score on every point with them. If ISTps are looking for such perfection and wonderful simplicity, I'd never attract my dual. No wonder I'm alone, yet no other type and I have yet truly LINKED. And how can IXTps be considered "weak" in the emotional area, when as an F I can cry for days on end and can't NOT but feel extremely deeply, and so become hurt very, very deeply - very easily, seemingly out of control, when it does happen? A lot of people in these responses and even parts of this site claim that F's can manipulate other people's emotions. Like hell I would ever do such a thing. I am getting so sick of theories. They never really help in real life - at best, only elucidate the reasons for your grief. *tears* -- tearful |
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