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Question #1171095166Saturday, 10-Feb-2007
Category: Duality ESTp INFp ESTj INFj
Why are ESTps and INFps duals? Do ESTps treat INFps in a way they do not others? As far as negative traits go, many ESTps have a bad rap for over-materialism and exploitation. So an INFp enters the scene and ... what happens? Do ESTps actually soften? Feel protective of the INFp? Possibly reveal their tender side they don't show others? Do they suddenly give more than take? What happens? Also, why might INFjs find themselves happiest with ESTjs, as the theory goes? ESTjs - sweet as some can be - can become so terribly boring (sorry, ESTjs!), it's hard to believe INFjs wouldn't tire of an ESTj partner in a profoundly stifling way. Do they? Or do INFps experiences that? Perhaps INFjs can appreciate the security and normalness ESTj provides, but then it can get to be too much, too stagnant and stifling. What are the typical "pitfalls" of duality? And how do you know you've met your dual? -- blahblahblah
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A1 As an INFJ female, I can tell you that boring has it's own personal meaning to each individual. I know an ESTp male that is bored if he isn't constantly moving. Do you have any idea how that very concept bores the heck out of an INFj? How boring these people are who "think" they are the exciting ones? The ESTp I know doesn't have a clue how to get his own excitement from within. To have to constantly outwardly get your stimulation-booorrrring..And, of course, he finds my reading an exciting novel--booorrring. At least I can have "fun" in both the outward sense and the inward. To each his own. Thus, the dual. The dual who "gets it". Who is on the same level of excitement as you are. Now that's a start to a good relationship. As far as the INFp and the ESTp, I see 2 people who are constantly looking for attention, looking for love, looking for their definition of "excitement" in the outside world. Sure they'll get along. Their bills will pile high, along with their laundry and dishes, and responsibilities they ignore-all to find love in their "exciting" lives. Kind of a pitfall for them I'd say. -- aj
A2 there are many literatures out there on duality. just google them. at least in principle, you click with your dual, so you just know that's your dual. i personally don't think it matters all that much whether someone you like (friend/lover) is your dual. what matters is that you feel connected to that person. -- Anonymous
A3 Hi aj, thank you for responding. Constant movement bores any introverted intuitive, as well as excessive orientation to the external world in search of stimulation. I know of an ESTp and INFj couple - that is, they V.I. like each type per this website. Their home is perfectly well run, orderly, beautiful and imaginatively decorated, and they show wonderful hospitality. Although they are an interesting couple (in the best way), their disciplined approach to life is quite evident in how they manage their careers, home, children, charitable outreaches and relationships. I encounter more alleged conflicting types who are married than duals, after years of my own surveying. The margin is not enormous, but notable. Also, I have an ESTp sister who has always been extremely well-organized. Her home is beautiful, orderly, well run and she is very shrewd with her finances. I also have an ESTp Aunt who is the same way. Aj, do you V.I. like the INFjs on this website, or the INFps? Or do you not study v.i.? Your posts could've been written by an acquaintance of mine who tested INFp on this site, and v.i.'s perfectly like the INFps on this site - as your writings are so entirely similar in attitude and reasoning. Incidentally, she has struggled in her relationships with ESTps. I can imagine her getting along well with an ESTj. So I'm sorting these inconsistencies out. As an "INFj", do you tend to have more unusual/"paranormal"/intuitive experiences in your life than the average person? Do you have uncanny insight into the emotions of overs which consistently evokes feelings of compassion? Or are you more of the literary type who reads fiction, is hard to get close to, and lives by your arbitary code of interpersonal ethics which others in your life may not be privy to know - i.e., until they violate one of your rules and then catch hell for it? Perhaps none of these propositions apply. // Anyway, the original question still stands in search of people who have had personal experiences of specific dynamics to contribute. -- blahblahblah
A4 blahblahblah, yes, I do v.i. as an INFj according to this site, more towards Madeleine and Ada on the samples given. When I was a child I read fiction-but it was more out of my curiosity. Like stories of time travel, ghost stories, the unusual. These things interested me because at a young age I started to have premonition dreams and visions. And I still do today, often dreaming news headlines or warnings of things to come before the day starts. I have seen both christian and spiritual counsellors in dealing with this. I do feel the emotions of others, and their actual physical pain. If I'm around a lot of people I become very easily "drained". I am very compassionate, empathetic, and sensitive to others. I have an INFp friend. We both have a sort of need to help others-she doesn't have the intuition or dreams like I do. We don't agree on the spiritual nature of things-I'm more open to the possibilities of things, she's more "it is written, so it is so". She is more concerned about how she appears to others, I'm not. She is not the best housekeeper, really spontaneous, and poor with her finances, I'm not that way at all-except the housework at times(I'm always organizing in my mind though). My bf is an ESTp. He is a lot like her, except the helping others part-he'll help others if it looks good to him. (Are you sure your sister isn't an ESTj)? As far as me being with my conflict. I feel that his self confident nature hides a hurt soul. A soul that needs healing. I have been given the gift of insight, of empathy. So, for now anyway, I will see what we can learn from each other in this path of life. -- aj
A5 Dear aj, have you ever had any longterm relationships (work or personal) with estps and estjs, apart from your current bf? What did you encounter? How did your relationship with your current bf evolve? Was it a slow attraction? A sudden surprise? Yes, I am positive my sis is ESTp (v.i., profiles, functional recognition - it all comes into play quite nicely). Incidentally, I also can identify with of the self-descriptions you've written. -- blahblahblah
A6 I have been dating my current ESTp bf for 8 1/2 years. Right after my divorce I was looking for work. He hired me for his business. I had no attraction to him at first-I've never been a "huntress". He almost immediately invited me to group events-eating out, cards at his place-not a date though, just for me to meet people. After 2months of this "attention" one nite we jokingly called it a date at the end of the evening-which made it official. He truly has charisma, friendly to all, and having his definition of "fun" is what he's all about. Risk taking is his middle name. His attention to me is surprising-drops whatever he is doing to kiss me the minute he sees me. In business I have watched him manipulate anyone to get his way. He can charm his way out of anything(even legal matters). (That makes me wanna puke-he really is a true con-artist). However, w/o my organizational skills he'd never keep a business together-or his home. After this long, I tell him he manipulates-he tells me I'm too serious and "not to pull him down"-all with smiles on our faces as we say it. I've given him the "you have low self esteem, you don't have to try so hard to impress others" speech. I tell him that I am, deep inside, who he is on the outside and vica versa-that's why we know each other's desires so well. "I'm his secrect psychologist-I'm pretty sure he has narcissitic personality disorder", I will tell him. He says he's my Dr. Phil. He becomes a hypochondriac,and I can feel unloved on our bad days. Each others hidden agendas. The psychology of it all excites me, I for some reason(feeding him the love & attention he really craves), excite him. He has full custody of an ESTp child. I can handle an ESTp adult, but as the child is getting older, the relationship is getting tougher. My ex was an ESTj. We were together for many years-we got along really great. I was adored by him, he bragged about me to anyone. (To my ESTp, he is more proud he has me, than proud of me-I think).I felt loved, but controlled in the end by my ESTj husband. My son is an ESTj. We get along really well. He adores his mom, and brags about me to his friends. ESTj and me=calm, protected feeling. ESTp and me=wakes up the inner me to "do something" with the self that's hidden deep inside of me. Like, you know, I can have that same positive, I can do anything attitude the ESTp has-BUT with more morals, and better judgement in decisions and choices made. We are like magnets pulling each other into the other's world. Hopefully, we will balance each other out. His narcissism will dicipate, he can be healed. I so much want to be a part of that healing. I hope to come into a healing myself. You can't help loving an ESTp-but it really helps to understand and know them deeply. It may not last forever-but something very positive is going to come out of this INFj/ESTp relationship-I can just "feel" it.. -- aj
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