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Question #1168459618Wednesday, 10-Jan-2007
Category: INTp Family
I am a middle-aged INTJ woman in a conflict-free marriage to an ISTP man. Our three teenage children are: INTP(girl), ISTP(girl), and INTJ(boy). We enjoy a stable family with three brilliant children; however, our lives have always been controlled by our eldest (INTP) daughter. Although she excels at school and is extremely responsible, she is excruciatingly high-strung, demanding, cynical, controlling and, at times, cruel. Our children have always been well loved and provided for. Can anyone explain why our INTP seems to take up all of the emotional space in the family? -- Gab
Your Answers: 1+
A1 are you sure she's INTp? she does not sound like one to me. and such family matters need more than socionics to deal with (my personal opinion). if she is so impossible to live with and there is nothing you can do about, ask her to move out. it might sound cold but it could be best for you all. -- Anonymous
A2 You know what they say, first pancake is always spoiled -- Anonymous
A3 Try reading a Dr. Phil book (or all of them). One of the parents has to take the leadership of the family if the oldest teenager is running it! -- econdude
A4 Well, I'm INTp and I'm like that, although probably worse. I've always "blamed" it as a survival strategy to a difficult life. I've never felt that "family love" is important at all, to me it seems like the parents duty or something like that. So even though she is loved by her family, she might still feel unloved. Her life seems lot easier than mine. But maybe she has too ambitious goals for herself, and when these goals aren't met, she has gotten fustrated. Or maybe she's been bullied at some point, and has toughened up. Another theory is that, since you all are introverted. She has taken the role of the extrovert in your family, using her EN function. And being forced to use EN that all the time, could cause that. I don't understand the concept of "take up all of the emotional space". @A1 Sounds very much like a INTp to me. You probably just don't know INTp's very well. INTp's might play nicer than they really are, in order to avoid trouble or being hated more than they feel they are being hated. -- INTp
A5 @A4. i am A1 and i believe i am an INTp. i had huge fights with my ESFj mom when i grew up almost everyday for 5 or 6 years. however, i wasn't high-strung and certainly was never controlling unless on matters that i regard as real important. most of the time, i could care less what goes on in my surrounding. and i had issues with love myself. at one point, i thought i was not loved but that's quickly ruled out because it's just very easy to tell whether your family cares for you or not. but i'm from an asian family which is different from a western one. -- Anonymous
A6 @A5. You might be the neat type of INTp. But as it states on the INTp profile:"INTps with less developed aesthetic taste...When interacting with others they may be very active, pushy and sometimes even aggressive. They often do not obey the norms of politeness and may sometime be rough and vulgar, however this behaviour usually does not last a long time." I'm definetly that rebellious type, she might be also. I used to be the neat type, but when the world seemed to be against me: No more Mr. Niceguy. Also in every family someone has to be in control, when the parents are INTJ and ISTP, it doesn't suprise me that it's going to be the INTp. I can't think of any better advice than econdudes. Although trying to influence INTp, might prove to be impossible. With time the situation will resolve on it's own. -- INTp
A7 Gab, i think reasoning with your daughter is the best strategy. and be assertive. lay down the ground rules and tell her what family affairs she can and cannot meddle with, ie, set clear boundaries. what you describes sound real bad. maybe your daughter just hasn't realized the damaage she's doing so let her know. if all means fail, then get her to move out. as for those self-help books, i've read a few myself.... they're mostly useless, too one-size-fit-all. -- poster of a1 and a4
A8 @A7. Nothing like ruining kids life, just because she's bit difficult? You can't just throw teenagers out of their homes, being troublesome is part of being a teenager. She's doesn't even sound that bad. Gab, you and especially your husband need to get in charge of the situation. Reward good behaviour and punish bad behaviour. Since she's INTp, best way to punish her, is her material posessions. Cut off the money she gets. Start confiscating her property, starting from the ones she uses most. When she she behaves better, give them back. And the best way to reward her, is giving her money. But personally I think there's nothing fix, most of those qualities might just be what it takes to be succesful in this world. -- Anonymous
A9 Hello Gab. You've asked: "Can anyone explain why our INTP seems to take up all of the emotional space in the family?". I'm an INTp and the simplest answer I can give you is to ask you a question: why did you and your husband give her the power to act this way? And why, now, are you looking for personality theory to bail you both out and absolve you of your responsibility, as if it's an "INTp thing"? You are comparing your INTp daughter with your other two children and deducing that since they haven't become dominating and controlling, then 'logically', it must be something unique to your daughter. I severely doubt it. You and your husband may have indeed loved your children and provided for them - what, do you want a parade for this? This is your obligation; it's like saying "I have a garden, and I water it." Clearly you have let your daughter exploit and take over the emotional leadership of your house - and it's almost certainly because, again, neither you nor your husband have the interest or have developed the ability to establish and ENFORCE structure in a consistent way. In simpler terms: you're both probably hypocrites, and INTps can smell hypocrasy through walls. Every time your daughter throws a tantrum, does or says something cruel or hurtful, humiliates you, your husband, or your other kids, what do you do? Let me guess. You ruminate and look for 'causes' and 'triggers'. Your husband goes and listens to music or does something to get his mind off it. A few times a year you probably both "decide to do something about it" and have one of those family meetings where you talk about boundaries. Your daughter probably thinks you're a lunatic, and I can't blame her. Oh, and by the way: A8 is pathological and if you follow his/her advice, you will lose your daughter for life. -- Anonymous
A10 its time to go boot camp -- Anonymous
A11 Teenagers being teenagers, you may not get a straight answer, but you could always ask her. -- Cyclops
A12 "well loved" ? ....have you read about the "five love languages? unfortunatley apart from reccomending reading about the five love languages I can't really help you but I wish you luck. -- Anonymous
A13 could she be an INTJ?? i am not the total expert but i think intp(with extrovert intuition) can be soften than intj with their extrovert thinking. -- intp
A14 I think she'll probably one day recall her behavior and regret it, and doesn't fully understand what the others are going through. INTP's value organization and as the oldest child she may feel compelled to assert herself as default Organizer of the Children (if not the Family), with her command occasionally becoming extreme since INTP’s possess an extremist streak. Discipline is good, but excessive authoritarian solutions, even if well intended, may backfire or be ineffective with this type, especially punishment implemented physically, and/or in a seemingly arbitrary 'cause I said so' manner. However, I think that contrasting the family members with the outside world (bullies, bad bosses, etc) can help her to identify with you and your emotional space. And if this light goes on the ignorance and underlying negative behavior should lessen. Convince her that you are all on the same team, which is true. If sheltered (not necessarily a bad thing these days) it may be time to open up a little. INTP children can stand a bit more exposure to the world because in their abstraction they have difficulty getting in touch with pain, suffering, and worldly troubles, unless these things are spelled out (maybe with hospital visitation, or as one person said – a “boot camp”, etc...). They can be ‘societally’ dense, and need perspective to understand how precious their family members are. -- JJ (intp)
A15 I must concur with A1 she sounds almost opposite of the INTP type. (in theory) Though I am not familiar with ESFJ types. Apart from her cynicism and perhaps controlling and (at times) cruel behaviours she doesn't sound like an INTP to me. -- Xeniph (INTP)
A16 It's because her emotions are her weak point. My dad is an INTP, and he acts like that. It's just because it's his vulnerability. My ISFJ mom has had to work with this weakness, because it is her strength. And now, he's better. It's just going to be like pulling teeth. None of you are really F oriented - so it's just like socionics/nature to make sure the weakest one caused the biggest commotion. Ha! -- Anonymous
A17 i'd say it's because she is a FEELER. i'm a very high strung INFP (ask my husband). I score out pretty close betweem thinker/feeler, but my mother is an INTJ, so I htink she taught me to strengthen my thinker side, but not how to handle my emotional side. she's a feeler who thinks and tries to be a thinker. -- RG
A18 She may be getting pressurised to by emotionally expressive, because INTp's are not natually good at being emotionally expressive (and never will be) the only way they compensate is by being aggressively over emotional, is what I've found. -- Anonymous
A19 She may be getting pressurised to by emotionally expressive, because INTp's are not natually good at being emotionally expressive (and never will be) the only way they compensate is by being aggressively over emotional, is what I've found. -- Anonymous
A20 Oh gosh I hope not. I'd die in a family of all thinkers. -- ISFp
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A21 Ok, if your sure your daughter's an INTP then its probably stress. Not necessarily from big things, problably little things most people don't notice. Resulting in her seeming to be high-strung and demanding. Also, being cynical is part of the personality type. As for the cruel and controlling... I'm an INTP and i react that way usually because of my younger siblings. It might be just the INTP's way of dealing with someone(s) threating how they view themselves as "competent", something very important to an INTP whether they realize it or not. All in all, i usually explode in anger or emotionaly for no apparent reason when it's a little thing I can't stop or control. With no warning but myself because most of the time I deside whether or not reacting is wherth it/the consiquense. Generally, as a teenager (i'm assuming), she's having trouble controlling her temper right now. -- ~Losica-Nati
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