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Question #1168433173Wednesday, 10-Jan-2007
Category: ENFp INTp Love Dating
I have a special friend who is an ENFP, special becase he is more than a friend to me, and I know that he cares about me, but he hasnt Told me how he feels about me. I havn't told him how I feel either, I just become to nervouse. So the question is, is it a good or bad idea for me to ask him, if he loves me. (we have meet each others families, and we have had some seriouse conversations about relationships, but never really interms of the two of us). -- INTP
Your Answers: 1+ 19+
A1 yeah, ask him. why not? or to make this look less embarrassing should he not be interested in any deeper relationship; ask him if he wants to be more than just friends w/ you. tell him frankly that you like him. if things do not work out the way you hope, it's fine, you still have a friend, plus you know it's time to move on. -- Anonymous
A2 you might wanna be careful, if you want truth, phrase the quesiton in a way that the ENFP won't have to hurt your feelings if they're going to be honest. -- Anonymous
A3 Personally, I'd say try to do fun things together regularly. Then some moment when the mood is right, just ask straight out if he's ever pictured you and him as a couple. Tell him you've been wondering about this for a while. If he's interested, he'll bite. Or it might at least light a spark if he never really thought about it before. If he's not interested in you romantically, he'll be straight and honest. Unless pressured badly, ENFP's will go a long way to try to avoid hurting other people's feelings, so the message won't be blunt, and you will still be friends. Bottomline is though, you've got nothing to lose! Good luck. -- voot (enfp)
A4 The issue with extroverts, probably especially with ENFps, is that some act delighted to be around you and then two seconds later when they're around someone else they're just as delighted and you're like a distant faded memory. I'm not saying that this is a bad trait or necessarily like your friend, just something to consider - try seeing people wearing the "lenses" that your friend might see through. -- econdude
A5 @A4: Actually you may have a point, and this isn't limited to romantic relationships only. I get intoxicated by people who appear interesting sometimes, and that's a feeling that may fade just as fast as it emerged. On the other hand I, and I think ENFP's in general take their commitments towards people very seriously. There are a handful of people I call true friends, and when I'm in a serious relationship I will go a long way to try to make it work. With acquintances and distant friends well... they come and go. I suppose I know far too many people to stay in touch with, and there are only that many hours in a day. -- voot (enfp)
A6 If he was really interested in (more or less) serious romantic relantionship with you, I'm quite sure he would have made his move long long time ago. Like within few days after you first met, if not faster. -- INTp
A7 hi. i'm an INTp and has a seriously dysfunctional business relationship (not intimate) with an ENFP. I'm not at all claiming to have the book on ENFPs, but I have *earned* some insights. Here's one that should send a smile up the spine of every INTp around: be aware the different people use the word "love" differently. Through my own life experience, I am gratefully in full support of the socionics idea of hidden agenda. (I actually think that this is the most staggeringly insightful thing about this entire concept.) For INTPs, the hidden agenda is "to love" - which means that we typically take a very very verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry bizarre and convoluted route to 'love'. In other words: we go through all kinds of (some might say ridiculous) mazes in order to arrive at our position of 'loving someone else.' ENFPs don't do this. They can love 4 different things - at the cost of each other - in the same day. Or the same hour. I don't mean that ENFP love is superficial. I mean that ENFP love is defined very differently than INTP love. So when you ask your ENFP person if he loves you, my best advice to you is to ask instead about how his feelings for you differ from others. Essentially, you will be tapping into his introverted feeling. If he doesn't "let" you into his introverted feeling and therefore see you as special in an eternal, timeless, lasting way, then his love may be just part of that hazy extroverted intuition - that is, you simply fit a pattern at the moment; when the pattern changes, the feelings for you change as well. Make sure that his love for you (if he has any) is not anchored to context. If it transcends context/scenario/life situation, then I'd call it love. if it doesn't, then it's just temporary. -- Anonymous
Moderator's comment
Excellent insight, keep them coming!
A8 I wrote the orignial post, so thank you all for your replies. Voot (enfp), ENFP's are wonderful friends, and definatly will walk the extra mile for a true friend, I have experienced this friendship and it is very much apreciated. However enfp's have to apreciate how dificult it is for an INTP to fall in love with someone, who doesn't love you the same, but will remain as close of a friend anyways. A7. Righ you are, I have made this observation of "my" ENFP. And I didn't ask him if he loved me, for I knew that he loved me, I just wasn't sure How he loved me. So in a very elaborate letter I was letting on how I felt about him with out actually telling him, and he wrote back and asking if it was because I love him, so I finally got to tell him how I felt, which was important. Well his reply to that was, that he just want's to be friends. It is a temporary love, He love's me more in certain situations, I know because of his behavior. It's really frustating. (We don't stay in touch, if we run into each other we just pick up the conversation where we left off, which is once maybe twice a year). A6. He was interested, if he hadn't asked for my number in the first place I would never have goten to know him. Once I was hooked he started backing off....I sure do miss him:) -- INTP
A9 @A8: That really proves nothing. That could mean he just wanted sex/fling/to be your friend. Not that he had any interest in a serious romantic relantionship. Just like it seems to be the case in the end. -- INTp (A6)
A10 @your second post../ That's just the nature of the ENFP beast, I wouldn't take it personally. They "love" the people who are in close proximity. Take away the proximity , take away the love. -- bob
A11 I might have to agree with this conclusion of enfps only loving people in their proximity. I am an ENFP and find myself forgetting about loved ones easily while on long vacations. It's not that I don't love them,I do very much, its just that I dont exactly feel myself missing them at all. I tend to love the people that I am with. -- enfpp
A12 ENFPs need to be very demonstrative when it comes to love. They can abstractly love ideas, but not people with any kind of passion. The people have to be associated with ideas before we can love them in that eternal, abstract way. This is messed up, I know. But 'on the ground' Ne love is fun when you can get it, probably more so than the abstract Fi version, in the short term at least. It's like we have two different ways of loving. INTPs are shy about demonstrating passionate emotions, even in written form. I think if he loved you, he would've asked you first. ENFPs worry about that stuff. I did with my INTP ex. I don't agree with A6 that he would've asked you in a few days, ENFPs worry about what other people's reactions are going to be, but I do agree that he would've asked before an INTP partner did. Sorry about that, this stuff is difficult...take care. -- pandapanda
A13 I am an ENFP female and I'm in love with an INTP. He doesn't know how I feel and the part that makes it so terrible is that he lives 5 hours away and I see him a few times a year. I think he might feel the same way because he's made the effort to drive 5 hours to come visit and wants me to come visit him. So we see each other whenever possible... but frankly I am scared to death to tell him how I feel. He told me once a few months ago that he loves me but he was drunk. And I said it once but only when I was drunk. I'm scared that he either won't take me seriously or that he might believe me but not feel the same way. The long distance kills me because I know if I lived near him and saw him I'd be able to show him how I felt. -- ENTP
A14 Pandapanda (A12), I don't know if I got all of that. At least not in a practical way. You say Quote "They can abstractly love ideas, but not people with any kind of passion. The people have to be associated with ideas before we can love them in that eternal, abstract way". I understand the words but I am at a loss of how to apply it. The only thing that comes to mind is that ENFP's like most NF personalities have some form of idealism that they love or hold to, and people and things usually either fit or don't fit their vision...Like when we work at a kids camp, and he is in charge of the treasure hunt or some other fun event that he loves, he always seeks me out in the crowd to make eye contact to share to moment with me with a silly happy grin on his face and that fire in his eyes....I'm I close? -- INTP
A15 To the original poster: it's okay, I didn't mean it in a practical way. It was a long-winded way of saying that even though ENFPs are idealistic, they need to have a person in front of them to 'feel' in love. In a practical sense, I guess this means that we're not the best at long distance relationships...unless the partner involved fits into some kind of idealistic world view we have. You're on the right track, actually. -- pandapanda
A16 A15, thats what I thought, thanks......Ok, soo for those ENFP's that are married, how does your marrige last? How do you know that you have meet a lasting love, rather than a temporary fling or infatuation? How do the ones you love know for sure that it's going to last? I am firmly believe that any personality can love for a life time, That love is a choice, weather or not the feeling of love is present all the time. I know the love I have for an ENFP will last for a life time weather or not he ever loves me back. -- INTP
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A17 I know that when/if I get married, I will put in a HUGE amount of thought and careful considerations to be sure that I am really in love with this person. If you want to know if your ENFP will love you forever, just ask. If the answer is a bright-eyed and enthusiastic yes, given with proof, then they will. If they are unsure of how they will love you forever, then maybe they won't. -- ENFP
A18 A17 it's that simple? -- INTP
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