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Question #1167767457Tuesday, 2-Jan-2007
Category: INFj Relationship Advice
I am a INFj woman. Since I was a teen (now 50) I have noticed that men in law enforcement seem naturally attracted to me. Is it safe to bet that they are my dual-ESTj? The type I end up going out with though, seems to be the ESTp, and the relationship is unhealthy, even dangerous. My son says I do this because I feel sorry for the ESTp and want to "save" him. (My son is an ESTj). However, I feel the ESTj wants to "save" me. Any thoughts? -- aj
Your Answers: 1+
A1 As an INFj, your erotic attitude is infantile, while that of an ESTj is caregiver. It makes sense to feel that ESTjs want to "save" you if by save, you mean helping you out. -- Anonymous
A2 Yes, I do mean help me out. The ESTj just seems to know I need help without my asking for it. I have never been one to right out ask anyone for help. Always had an "I can do it myself" attitude on the outside, yet inside I wished someone would "insist" on helping me once in awhile. I am conflicted with wanting and not wanting help. So instead I am inclined to help out someone else-usually the ESTp (conflicting type). On the outside I feel the ESTp has the attitude "I can get others to do it for me", while inside I'm guessing he thinks he can't(or is won't?) do it himself-so I take up the slack for him to save the day-his day. ESTp's are attracted to me(why?), and I feel like once they have me there is a giant magnet holding us together-draining the positive energy from me and transferring it to him. So exactly how can that ESTj save me? -- aj
A3 Maybe they (ESTp's) just want to use you. -- Anonymous
A4 How do ESTj's save you? by being everything you lack and vice versa gaining from you protection for the ESTj's weaker points. if you know what I mean, look at DUAL relationships and why are they dual, why good, why is your DUAL like YOUR MISSING PEACE to be complete. -- Thought
A5 Oh yeah.. I was with a ESTP for 3 years.. it was nothing but conflict. We understood each other only in an animalistic type way.. but everything else.. just.. no connetion with relating.. It was rough.. we still care for eachother so much, but it just could never work.. -- Melinda
A6 aj, my first take on that would be no, don't assume anything. Temprament does exert strong influence on vocational choice. But that does not mean that everyone in a particular field fits the stereotypical temprament for it. The stereotype of a LEO (law enforcement officer) is definitely an SJ (the use of Kiersey's temprament model here is intentional). As such police training conditions police officers to think as if they were SJ types. That said, there are a number of other reasons that people of other types SP's and NT's for example might choose police work. The safe bet is to say that though one work influences how one thinks, one is still not necessarily what one does. -- Anonymous
A7 @A6: As an NF, my first vocational choice was to be either a mathmetician-solving "problems" or a psychologist-helping others solve problems. (Of course, my deep desire would be to solve all the worlds' problems..sigh) Due to life circumstances, I ended up being a bookkeeper. So yes, one is not necessarily what one does, so assuming would be wrong-thank you for the reminder. However, had I not had a love for numbers-I would not have lasted long in keeping books-I find it unchallenging and not real fulfilling. So as far as the work influencing how one thinks, hmmm...I think, I now want to ditch the books and pursue who I am-a problem solver. BTW, I could probably work in the field of law enforcement myself. I'm one who really enjoys following the rules-but would want to be the detective who solves the crime-or the criminal profiler... -- aj
A8 @A7. aj, that it interesting. Of all types I would have thought of as having an interest in police work, NF's were not among them. As for me, I don't believe that I have the disposition to be a police officer. (I have the raw talent for it. I once tested for a sworn position with a major metropolitan police force and scored quite well on the written exam and subsequent panel interview, but washed out for failing the obstacle course.) Now, the older I've gotten, the more jaded I've become until I am almost apathetic about petty crime. Besides which as an introvert I am not that confrontational, and my interests are focused at a much higher level than keeping some teenaged ass clown from spitting on the sidewalk. -- Anonymous
A9 @A8. Anonymous, my bookkeeping once had me working in the court system-I issued warrants and revoked drivers licenses for unpaid traffic tickets. I felt bad revoking a license for being late in paying a seat belt ticket, for example. It was kind of a combo of empathy for the forgetful or the broke & my own view of laws. (I don't like being told I "have" to do something-like wear a seat belt-I have my own intelligence, and believe the choice should be mine. The law insults me-but I follow it to the "t".) I agree with you on being an actual police officer dealing with some of the petty stuff. And as being an introvert, confrontation of any type makes me squeemish. I'd be an awful officer. I'd want to be involved in something bigger, where my expertise of the mind and how it works could help solve a crime.(Not that I am a pro-I'd take the appropriate studies needed). I get some pretty good gut instincts on things, along with psychic type dreams that I trust. I take my gut feelings, my dreams, experience and logic to figure out a lot of things with great accuracy. I often view the world in a sort of mathmatical way, it would be exciting putting together the clues...(BTW, my ESTj son, out of the blue, came up to me the other day and said he'd like to be a police officer-go figure..) Anyway, that is what I could do. But as I get older, the big picture says I could help others on a more personal level. The whole mind, body & spirit thing. I also have several book ideas..I've suddenly created a passion for writing. Does that sound more NF? -- aj
A10 @A9. That is exactly why I believe NF's are ill suited for police work. In your city someone you fails to buckle their seatbelt when operating a motor vehicle is a scoff law; the penalty for their offenses is just. That's what the law is for - to provide a fixed demarcation for acceptable behavior. It is harsh, I understand, and that is why I believe thinking types make better policemen. -- Anonymous
A11 @A10. Yes as a feeling type, my emotions would override my thinking in that line of work. I'd rather be an advocate and help prevent them from ending up in the system in the first place. Back to my original post-over the years I have been stopped for minor traffic violations-but have never been written a ticket. (I follow the law, but, heh, I'm not perfect). A couple of times my son was driving(with me nagging him to slow down a little) and he was stopped, with me as passenger, no ticket issued. (And no, I am not flirting with the officer). When first out of h.s.-there were at least 4 officers who had some sort of attraction to me. After my divorce a few years ago, when I go out-I'm approached by, you guessed it, off duty officers. I just wondered about type and that profession in connection to my type,INFj. -- aj
A12 @A11. aj, what can else can I say? Maybe you're just a bacon-magnet? On the other hand, as an INFj you certainly conform to the dual-seeking function of either an ESTj (aka RoboCop 1.0) or the ENTj, who because of their need to express latent authority would also find police work attractive. -- Anonymous
A13 In the website it mentioned that there are two opposite type that attracts romantic wise. INFJ(female)-ESTP(male) and INFP(female)-ESTJ(male) -- Jas
A14 Jas, the typing for MBTI is different than Socionics, so that site really doesn't apply to the Socionics relationship theory -- Anonymous
A15 Don't date ESTp anymore. Easier said than done perhaps, but worth a pop. -- Anonymous
A16 Probably ESTp, not ESTj. -- Anonymous
A17 tbh, as an INFj, I'm not feeling the ESTj duality. I've known a few STjs, and I envision only conflict or domination (at the extreme). The ESTj appears to be a bit too controlling (not to stereotype). I tend to feel intimidated, as if unable to do things myself when an ESTj steps in. So, I don't think ESTj is naturally the best choice for every INFj. Depends on your comfort level with someone, feelings about them, and what you need from the relationship. Duals are too quickly and easily idealized as the perfect match. Just my two cents. -- Anonymous
A18 Hi! I know one INFj with the same problem. She was always dating ESTp's but endsup with ESTp's which makes her depressed. -- :-)
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A19 A17 I agree that the duals are too easily idealized, because the socionics is not the oracle for the relationships. Socionics tells only how the information is processed, and how the relationship is going on on this level, but it's far, far away of describing the real relationship. -- Anonymous
A20 See if you can volunteer at your local police station or other law environment. The ESTjs and others who work there will appreciate your life experience and intuitiveness. -- ESTJ Female
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