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Question #1160071462Thursday, 5-Oct-2006
Category: ESFj ISTj Relationship
I am an esfj female dating an istj male. We share similar interests, however I am finding that he is quite controlling and does not listen to any alternative points of view I put across. Are there any successful istj/esfj partnerships out there? -- khenry
Your Answers: 1+ 18+
A1 ISTjs tend to resort to physical violence on occasion, otherwise they are quite decent folks. -- Dr. Zoidberg
A2 My grand father is an ISTJ, my grand mother is an ESFJ, although they argue all the time, it is evident that they do love eachother however I am not sure if you can call such a relationship successful. -- Anonymous
A3 ok.. if he doesn't listen to your point of view.. tell him louder! -- ESTP~ female
A4 C'est la vie avec un ISTj. ISTj's are the dictionary definition of "control freak." Sorry, that's just the way it is. Apart from this character flaw however, ISTj's are usually quite charming - proper etiquette is part of their DNA. Their prime motivation is duty, and they can be very critical of laziness or irresponsibility in others. As introverted thinkers their confidence is in their analysis of a given situation, which is usually correct but seldom considers the feelings of others. There are successful relationships between ESFj and ISTj partners - the two are semi-duals, meaning that your balances his , but you are both sensors (of opposite color). With your you try to make a pleasant environment; with his , he tries to conquer his. -- Anonymous
A5 Yeah, I know of an ESFJ-ISTJ relationship that has been working very well for 40 years. If you need to an ISTJ to understand your alternative point of view, tell him clearly and calmly and add that it is simply important for you. After a few days he will probably have digested it and got used to your opinion. Yeah, ISTJs tend to be controlling, but when they see you are active, calm and self-confident, they become less so. I know of many ISTjs relationships with SP women, who are so spontaneous and active that the ISTJs just cant control them, so they just give them advice and comments from time to time, and these relationships work very well. -- Ezis
A6 I agree with almost everything that is written here except for the physical violence and the tell him louder statement. I am an ESFJ female and have been very happily married to an ISTJ male for 18 years. Both of us have mellowed over the years. He is definitely less of a control freak than he used to be. I no longer have much of a temper (interestingly I know a friend of a friend who is an ESFJ who went to psychotherapy for years to remove most of his temper - I just did it on my own using meditation). When my husband throws his inevitable tantrum approximately once every 2-3 weeks I breath in deeply and breath out and I just walk away and ignore him. This has meant that his tantrums have diminished. He would never be physically violent. There are so many things that I love about him - he is loyal, dependable, trusting, trustworthy, always provides an ear to listen to my continuous monologues, is an extremely good provider and gentle (when he's not upset). It always makes me laugh at how hopeless he is with his hands - I put the DIY furniture together when he's not there otherwise it will take 5 times as long to do! If I want him to take into account my opinion or remember to do something (that I think is important and he doesn't) I put it in writing & I always give him time to think things through. I will actually say to him don't answer now just think about it 1st. The 2 things that really annoy me about my ISTJ are 1. how even when he asks my opinion he has already decided what he knows should be done so he will just go ahead and do it any way, but will still insist on pretending to listen to my opinion and 2. how he cannot cope with having any rational and adult-like and non-agressive argument if I try to argue my point of view he will not listen and just talk over me and claim that I am arguing the most irrational thing he can think of and then start making irrational statements based on his own irrational assumptions. It is totally bewildering both to me and my teenage daughters who are ENTJ and INFP (I think). At the same time these 2 things do not happen often enough to cause too much problems and you do get used to it (I guess I just accept him the way he is and am amazed that he does the same for me) - I either walk away or explain very rationally what he is doing and then walk away. If I cannot walk away I start singing - for me singing is my form of meditation. I allow him the space he needs by himself and he lets me go out with friends whenever I want to. (his tongue in cheek comment as to what I am writing is - is he a good provider then just put up with it). What I love most about my ISTJ husband is how much he loves me and therefore tries really hard in his own way - by doing practical things - to show me how much he loves me. So if you think you can learn to live with his failings then you can be sure that he will love/worship you and be there for you always. I hope this helps. No relationship is perfect they all require hard work. -- Anonymous
A7 I am an ISTJ male and have been dating my ESFJ girlfriend for almost a year now. While we certainly are not without our differences, we are both very committed to our relationship and have a lot of fun together. I agree with what was said above: clear communication is critical to this pairing of personalities. I think our relationship is greatly helped by both of us being willing to hear the other person out. With respect to your particular issue of your boyfriend not being willing to listen to your point of view, try approaching the topic as logically as possible. Clearly and calmly lay out all the facts first (we ISTJ's are big on facts) and from there show how you are reaching your conclusion. -- Dan
A8 clearly laying out facts requires the istj to agree to talk to the esfj. i know an istj guy and he was too cowardly to admit there is a problem! and didnt like it when his "gf" (he was too cowardly to ask her to be his gf so theyre were sort of hanging in the air wasting their time, im so glad for them that its over now! poor things) tried to confront him (poor fellow got too scared). -- Anonymous
A9 I forgot to mention that he (the istj) kept denying the facts even! obviously he's got fear/anxiety issues. -- Anonymous
A10 I'm an ISTJ male married to an ESFJ female for 33 years. We find that we complement each other quite well. Irrespective of what personality types you are, the commitment to a relationship has to be mutual and respectful. If your control freak is only going to commit to a relationship on his terms, I suggest you bolt. -- Rich P.
A11 thank you to the Anonymous post of A6. It's a perfect description of a friend (male ISTJ) of mine; right down to the DIY furniture and inability to cope with rational adult conversation! -- me
A12 I am a 40 year old ESFJ female. I have been dating an ISTJ male in his 50's for the last two and a half months. This has just finished today after mutual discussion instigated by myself. Amazingly he stayed almost calm. I found my ISTJ very blunt and rude. He had no idea how his swearing, intolerance and verbal aggression intimidated me. He did admit to being violent when he was younger. He put this down to drinking larger! We clashed mainly because he tried to control me (telling me how to behave, trying to order my food for me in restaurants, not happy about me going into a local pub on a Fri evening with a girlfriend which I have always done once a month or so, telling me to wear low cut tops and short skirts etc. but only when I was with him - he was convinced that if I did, all other men would looked at him with envy. He also didn't like the fact that I was an extrovert and many other moans that he had). He would never be able to see any fault with himself but often judged other people for theirs. In his eyes, he was allowed to get drunk and do many other things that I wasn't becuase I am female. He was insecure and jealous. He continually unwhittingly hurt my feelings with his words, lack of showing any emotion towards me or any form of consideration. However I am sad as I will never meet anyone as honest and reliable as him. This meant so much to me. He was also very practical and could turn his hand to anything. I just couldn't deal with the negative stuff. I don't cope with conflict very well. I'd rather avoid it. I wonder if this is normal for an ISTJ male or if the above tendancies are a bit extreme? -- Anonymous
A13 My dad is an ISTj. I am an ENTp. He is a very religious orthodox jew. I am not a believer, and subscribe to empirical logic and science. Needless to say we don't get along. My curiosity and irreverence clash with his serious outlook on life and sense of duty. I hardly ever speak to the man. :/ -- ENTp
A14 My dad is an ISTj. I am an ENTp. He is a very religious orthodox jew. I am not a believer, and subscribe to empirical logic and science. Needless to say we don't get along. My curiosity and irreverence clash with his serious outlook on life and sense of duty. I hardly ever speak to the man. :/ -- ENTp
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A15 Seems like this is Semi-Duality in action. ISTJ offers almost everything what your dual INTJ offers except they're more pushy, clingy (they would call this dominance), and can be verbally (or physically) abusive. It makes sense for the pairing however as there are tons of ESFJ women as well as tons of ISTJ men compared to INTJs. To illustrate. If the ESFJ is driving a car and is lost and just driving around the ISTJ will start screaming to stop the car and take over or something along the lines of that. The INTJ will behave in a different manner which I won't share but is a little more tactful than an ISTJ would do. Oh, I know you ISTJs will be reading this up and try to adjust your personalities. -- INTJ
A16 I am an esfj and have started dating an istj. We dated for a few months about 10 months ago and he recently reconnected with me. He and I both want to take it slower this time as we feel we went too fast last time. However, I don't feel as comfortable with the same level of intimacy that he does. He wants to take the relationship one day at a time and enjoy the moment. As I am a feeler, it means something to me emotionally and to him it is more a physical thing he enjoys. How should I approach this with him as I would like to see him as a boyfriend before I am comfortable with his preferance? -- Anonymous
A17 I have seen several successful ESFj/ISTj relationships. I look upon ESFj as the control freak especially about relationships whereas the ISTj is more likely to be set in his/her ways about how things should be done. ESFj is usually more open and has far more social skills while ISTj is usually far more knowledgeable and methodical. You should be able to come up with a power sharing arrangement - just don't pee in each other's pool -- I/O
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