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Question #1148244560Sunday, 21-May-2006
Category: INTj ENFp Marriage Relationship Advice
Hi everyone, just asking for an opinion. I'm an INTj female married to an ENFp guy. The honeymoon years were great fun but now as the time goes by and family responsibilities pile up, I'm growing increasingly annoyed and concerned by my husband's unability or unwillingness to deal with the routine family stuff and constant 'reality escapes' (friends, computer games, alcohol, recreational drugs). I realize that it's not my mission to change him and my options are clear as well: either tolerate it or leave him alone. I initiated the 'separation talk' a few times but it seems to hurt him a lot and he clings to the relationship desperately. I, on the other hand, would rather be a single mother than live in constant frustration about my partner not doing the equal share of work. Providing that we both are willing to work on our relationship, what can you guys advise? I understand that it's too general of a description but any input is appreciated. Thanks, JB -- Jade_Bug
Your Answers: 1+ 13+ 26+ 29+
A1 If you're 100% sure you're an INTj and you're 100% sure he is an ENFp then maybe turning a 'separation talk' into a 'separation walk' is not a bad idea. However if you're prepared to work on your relationship you should do so, that's if you're able to leave your children out of it. -- Dr. Zoidberg
A2 Hi there. First off, I think INTj and ENFp can make a good match, please disregard the negative criticism above. Recreational drugs as you put it, and alcohol as well, are bad for any type when used in excess. To an ENFp especially recreational drugs are a potental pitfall and things might improve a lot already if he would stop smoking. I'm not sure I can speak for all ENFp men out there, but if I'm 'asked' to do a certain task 'now' or 'today' I will do it - maybe you can try asking for help more, if that's not too draining. Furthermore, household task with immediate positive return such as doing the dishes or the laundry, cooking or taking care of garbage and stuff are not so bad for an ENFp. Cleaning, tidying up, watering the plants... are all so random an ENFp will really have to put his will to it to get these things done. Maybe you could try to split up certain tasks so that each do their share this way? Hope this helps -- voot (ENFp)
A3 This is kind of off the top of my head, but as an INTj, I would say, you made your choice, now stick with it. I detect some F(eeling) in your post. Drug use and alcohol abuse are totally unacceptable, however. I'm certainly not telling you what to do, but what did you expect from an ENFp? Personally, I try to find what I like about each type but I've also found that ENFps give me heartburn. -- econdude
A4 Hmm... Every type makes conscious use of each of the 4 functions. Just because F(eeling) doesn't have an extraverted face in INTj's doesn't mean it isn't there. If JB would have completely made up her mind, she would not be using this site as a soundboard now would she? Either way, be careful with judging the value of advice found on online forums. People in the age group of 15-25 are overrepresented online, and most of them are not exactly the type of people I would personally thrust for relationship advice. Use it to bounce off some of your ideas or to broaden your vision if necessary but be careful which information to thrust. Good luck -- voot (ENFp)
A5 voot, then why don't you give her some SOLID advice, with all your years of wisdom. How stupid is this staying positive crap, in light of a serious situation. The dude is being "true to type," and the only way this lady may get anywhere with him is to micromanage his life. And I could guess he'd resist being micromanaged, because it robs him of his freedom. I'm sorry, INTj, I wouldn't know what to tell you to do other than the really extreme thought that I'm thinking. If you give him a face-to-face lecture, and make it so that his decision is black and white (stay and help, or leave), then he'll probably change for a while, but then shortly after will go back to normal. This is why you become an expert on identifying what someone is like (and I'm not talking about personality typing here) before you get too "cozy" with them. I do think you'll end up in an even ****tier situation, but you DID "sign on" for this. From me, you get partial empathy. -- Anonymous
A6 econdude - I'm not sure whether or not you're still checking these replies, but as a female ENFp, I found your reply to be highly false and judgemental. I'd like to point out that I am very reliable when it comes to family obligations. If I don't intend to do something, I simply don't commit to it and will give reasons why not. Not everything is on a 'whim' and fueled only by emotion and impulse. I can't speak for everyone, but there are many who are still very responsible and worthy of trust. Basically, I don't want my partner to feel that he can't rely on me to hold up my end of the relationship. Then again, I think that male ENFp's react differently in relationship conflicts. Jade_Bug - I really sympathize with your situation. It must be incredibly frustrating, especially with children and other serious responsibilities involved. I would want to be approached in a non-threatening way, which didn't directly attack my character, but that still got your point across. You have a right to express your frustration on these matters - after all - why else do people get married if not to be able to depend on this one person above all others? Trust me - I GET where you're coming from. Tell him that you really need to have more help around the house, and that you're getting to a point that you're not sure how to co-exist with him anymore. Assure him that, although you love him and his company, that you need a man around who is going to provide you with the 'manly obligations' that he promised you when he said "I do". If he doesn't follow-through, then I'm not sure what your options may be except to separate for a while. I wish you luck and hope that you reach a copasetic solution with your husband. -- Female ENFp
A7 Hmm..econdude's post didn't sound very INTj to me. I INTjs approach life with a live and let live point of few about things. INTjs tend to approach everything as being up for subjection. -- Hitta
A8 Hi,there.I'm an INTj female with a ENFp husband too.In the five years marriage,I've found that happiness is more than sorrow and suffering.My honey is responsible and reliable.Also,like Jade's husband,He is sometimes indulges himself with cigarettes and alcohol,and he is unwilling to deal with the routine family stuff either.On the whole,he has more love hearts than me and he appreciates advancement which is the same with me. We work hard in amway at Britt system.The same goal makes us stand side by side.Really,the difference between INTjs and ENFps is great,however,if we have a same goal,we can hope the marriage would be better than ever.Certainly,the process to conform our goals is hard and full of bitter quarrel and misunderstanding,but we can see the progress of our personal growth,that's enough for us type who live in the future. -- rose gan
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A9 i'm an enfp and i love recreational drugs, and i love to love my girl and i kick ass everyday and most important i love life- -- scorpio-enfp
A10 @A9: I'm enfp too, I used to love recreational drugs, the love for my girlfriend was basically nasrcisstic and I kicked ass to the extent it got me into a lot of trouble and I experienced life deep into my fingertips. Exactly what you can expect when you only use your extraverted intuition.Perhaps you should consider start using your introverted feeling as well... -- pm (ENFp)
A11 Whoa whoa whoa, first of all, I'm an ENFP male but if you search on www.personalitypage.com you will have a really strong understanding of how to deal with your relationship. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST MATCH! If you read that site I posted you, under "relationships", you'd see that you two personalities are the best match. If someone wanted me to do their share of boring maintenance type tasks, they'd get me to do it if they said, do it right now (as that one guy already said) and if you explained to him that it's not fair that you have to do all the boring stuff around here. If you can help him with structure, organization and planning, he will become really successful. Lastly, it's kind of a bitch thing to do to tell him you're going to dump him for that. -- Sam
A12 I am INTj myself and find it a bit odd to be giving relationship advice to anyone, especially since I'm a wheels and gears guy, not some kind of Dr. Warm Fuzzy marriage counselor. However, given that you've gotten so much clearly bad advice from other socionists here I feel the weight of the imperitive compelling me to offer my own opinion. Please disregard any advice you've gotten that is founded upon negative stereotypes of ENFp's. In my experience, no specific type has a corner on the immaturity market. Your husband's behaviors do sound escapist however. If socionics plays into this at all then you have to understand that the natural relationship between you and your husband is one of supervision. Further you are the supervisor! I have been married twice once to an ESTp (I was the supervisee) and now to an ENFp (I am the supervisor). As a supervisee in my previous marriage I felt like everything I did was scrutinized. I had no time when I was free to relax and be myself. I also felt, because I was literally told as much (often), that nothing I did met my wife's expectations. I suspect your husband might feel similarly. Now in my second marriage, as supervisor, to my ENFp wife I often find her to be easily distracted, she carries on multiple trains of thought simultaneously. She constantly brings up alternatives in our discussions that I have already dismissed as infeasible, and what I consider mundane and trivial she considers vitally important. I overlook all of this because she loves me, and I never want her to feel 'watched' as I had been. Not to say that all is wonderful if you can turn a blind eye to the stuff that bugs you though. I have also learned to watch my words around my wife. Child custody from my previous marriage has been hard fought and is still bears some glaring inconsistencies. Upon reading the most recent court order, I with my dominant said, "This will never work!" My wife with her creative responded, "Where there's a will there's a way." To which I came back, "Don't give me any of that 'touchy-feely' crap, this flat out will not work." My wife was crushed that I had called her attempted emotional support crap. We got into a big argument and I learned a lesson about how to deal with people. Hope this helps. -- Anonymous
*Please note that the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of socionics.com*
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