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Question #1121063644Monday, 11-Jul-2005
Category: Advice Relationship Intertype Relations ADD/ADHD
I am a male Enfp or ENFj and am currently married to a Female ENTj. We dated for 5 years. Got engaged, called off the wedding and then eventually we go married 2 months later. We have had a lot of fights and I mean a lot from the day we moved in together. But we were able to talk them out afterwards. But there have so many arguments. It is so hard on me because I am a very loving and caring person. We have been separated for 3 months. I am seeing a PHD level psychologist about my ADD, codependence issues, and issues in our marriage. We are seeing a marriage counselor, and she is seeing a therapist as well. She tells me that in her heart she has lost her love and connection toward me, but in her mind she really loves me. She says that because our past has been filled with so much turmoil that there is not a base to support a marriage from now to the future. Not only that but she says the more I try and solve our marriage issues and it drives her away from me. I did the comparison chart. When I clicked between ENTj and ENFJ it seems that we should be compatible, I clicked on ENTj and ENFP it looks very real to dynamics between us. (<Bn) - A is 'Beneficiary' to B this is us. And the last sentence comparison really scared me. "Finally, when the Benefactor is in a superior position to the Beneficiary, it can work quite well, but not when it is the other way round!" Well it is the other way around. I love her so much and want her to love me the same way. What has to happen in order for her to let go of the past and move on to a solid and happy marriage. I have been reading a lot of books to try and bring us back. It seems what she wants is space. Some days she is really warm to me and some days she is very cold to me. We are going to the Maine for a family reunion and she is very nervous about that but has agreed to go. We are living in different houses. Please share with me and others like on the best way to save this marriage. Help!! -- Dave
Your Answers: 1+
A1 This is going to sound so obvious and so unoriginal and so many people have sad the same thing so many times - It is your life and you can do whatever you pleased with it, but your relationship with this woman does not seem to work. You have a choice, you can either spend the rest of your life in misery trying to figure out what went wrong or even worse, trying to bring you two together, which most likely would make her very unhappy, or you can drop it and get on with your life. Think about it, even if you manage to win her back, for how long do you think you two will last before your next major fight? And for Christ's sake don't try to have any children as in "children will keep us together, therefore save our marriage". Who do you think will suffer the most in a dysfunctional family where parents disagree and quarrel all the time? On a bright note, in 50-60 years time you probably will learn how to avoid most of those little tiny misunderstandings that tend to escalate in major arguments and so you probably will have less fights as a result. But do you really want to wait for so long before you start living a happy life? -- Dr Zoidberg
A2 You have to ease up on her and let her have more influence on you while you try to lessen the influence you have on her. I hope you do not take the bleak fatalistic view of the person above. Learn how to persevere through the ups and downs. -- anon
A3 Im a female thinker and I have a relationship with a feeler. Some of your problem may stem from the fact that sometimes feelers can appear to be a little overwhelming and clingy and ig can cause people like me to push that person away. Perhaps she just needs some space. Dont overanalyse the situation, just give it some time and space and if its meant to work out, it will. -- anonymous
A4 The first response was a bit negative but it does hold a realisticness to it that is hard to overlook. It sounds as if the relationship is salvageable If you are determined to be with this person, but it will take a lot of work and careful maneuvering on your part to get things back to smooth sailing between the two of you.. however, perseverence and hard work are common for any relationship. I can speak from experience, that even in more favorable relations such as duality or mirror, problems do arise and are frequent. Relationships are a lot of work no matter how you slice it. I guess I'm done here, but one more (albeit bleaker) suggestion is to call it quits, and start anew with someone you are more compatible with. Obviously it will be painful for the both of you, but in the long run you may find it to be the better (and much less stressful) course of action. Like I said, a future is certainly possible between you, but it's going to take a *lot* of work and careful tip-toeing to get things back to normal. And try not to smother us NT's so much! We like you, don't worry. -- jb
A5 As an INFP/J I can relate. I've dated several ENTJS and they seem so tough to NFs. It never got to the second date. I can't imagine staying on this rollercoaster for the rest of your life. I don't know how old you are but assuming you're young.. why sign on for that?! or possibly put kids through that. My suggestion: go through the pain of letting go of this person. Then you will be free. One day believe me you will be happy you did. You will find a nice ISFP or other F and you will sigh and say "Ahh, feels so good to be home... " : ) -- Gail
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A6 Being an ENFP myself, I would not get involved with an ENTJ in the first place, and I really think a psychologically healthy ENFP wouldn't. You say you are in therapy yourself and probably are trying to save yourself by saving the relationship. Work on yourself first, the relationship is probably a symptom of your psychological issues. Choose for yourself! But if you insist, buy the book "Just Your Type" By Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger and look up the chapter on the ENFP and ENTJ combination. Sorry that I sound so harsh, but if you are indeed ENFP, I'm sure sooner or later this message will get through. -- pm
A7 I agree with A6 -- Anonymous
A8 This is my take...(i'm also an enfp)...I agree with socionics ~ make sure that in all times u're in the superior position and she is not. It seems like ur partner's doing whatever she wants when she wants, u must make sure you're the one in control of the marriage! You dont have to boss her around but make should u make the right things happen. There's something funny about benefit relationships coz the benefactor doesnt "hear" what the beneficiary says, but the beneficiary does hear what the enfp says. So, haha, perhaps in some ways your perspective of the relationship is quite different to her respective, which can make it difficult. I know arguing is not that nice, but if u argue ur way into the superior position, haha, the arguing should decrease over time if u want it to (ie. you can tell her to stop or suggest it in some way so she gets the point). Arguing can actually be helpful in a relationship sometimes! Haha. Hope this helps! And hope ur relationship works out! -- Anonymous
A9 I am a female ENTJ and I am married to an ENFP. As an ENFP, he has to be a very strong leader or I will run him down like a bulldozer and have no respect for him. I don't think you should worry about the "cold" thing. Sometimes it's really not you, it's just that she may just be busy with something else (on a mission to accomplish something) or irritated about something. I agree with the people here who say you really need to step up and take charge, though. We love each other very much and it has worked for us but that is because he is very strong and I will accommodate him. So stand up, man! If you want it, fight for it! She won't respect you unless you do. And if she doesn't love you, you'll know in about five seconds. Good luck either way. -- Anonymous
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