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Question #1120156891Thursday, 30-Jun-2005
Category: Intertype Relations Advice Duality
Why, specifically, are INFJs and ESTJs attracted to each other? Also, how can an INFJ get an ESTJ to notice her and get past the "ordinary and simple" characterization? Any quick ways to spot an ESTJ? -- Maria
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A7 First the ESTJ male and INFJ female have to be physically attracted to one another. Upbringing and experiences will play a big factor, and "fit" - how one's size fits the other person's, and scent also, but generally men like women with curvy hips and full lips, while women like men with broad shoulders, thick arms and hands, and symmetry. That will get you noticed. To keep their attention you must have strong morals, traditional values, and a genuine, polite personality. If not you will turn off an INFJ female away from you, or end up as an ESTJ's one-night stand, or more likely yet another one of ESTJ's girlfriends whom he does not truly love and with whom he does not find contentment but he commits himself to because he wants commitment and a sense of belonging. If you have a reputation as the untouchable virgin, a prude, or someone with really strong values, and the ESTJ finds out about this through outside sources, this will definitely increase his interest in you. The opposite is true if your reputation is otherwise. Then if he sees for himself that your reputation is true to your reality, his mind is made up then and there that you are his wife and will pursue you relentlessly because INFJs are their dual match yet such a rare find and the ESTJ knows it. ESTJs want a female who is a traditional woman - feminine and family-oriented. In the beginning, show him that you can offer him a loving and healthy family. Also, enlighten his mind by sharing with him some of your INFJ wisdoms about life and its meaning, etc. ESTJs want this! Also, show your caring side by helping him - sweet, practical favors like making him lunch, and giving him guidance. They do not like loud, shallow, disrespectful Queen-B type women. They do not like women who think like a modern "Sex and the City" woman that believes in independence, a life centered on work, friends, random sex and shopping. So if you are after an ESTJ, do not let the movies and today's TV shows influence you! ESTJs like strong, extroverted women (they usually end up being friends), but they LOVE strong, introverted women even more so and are amazed by them. This is because introverts tend to be gentle, deep, show their secrets only to their mates, and the INFJ is creative, making the relationship not only sexually satisfying but also meaningful. As time goes by, the INFJ and ESTJ become more in love, more committed, more in sync because they will influence each other's values to match one another's. They get comfortable, attached, loyal and adverse to the idea of being with anyone else. Also they become more protective and jealous of outside threats. The key at that point is to appreciate the other person's protectiveness and not to incite jealousy. Both INFJs and ESTJs are willing to cooperate because they value a committed relationship over friends, fame, money and one-night stands. Essentially, they both want to live life like "Adam and Eve." Also, INFJs realize that he is your match because this will save you from a lot of trial and error if you feel the urge to meet other people. Develop mutual interests, but also have individual interests and do not interfere. Keep making sure you are on the same page values-wise. Offer an ESTJ security and belonging, and a sense of service, duty and responsibility because those are what motivates him. -- Anonymous
A8 An INFJ female myself, I've been in an off and on again relationship with a male ESTJ for 10 years. We are best friends, but honestly I'm not sure if the dual concept works. We are so opposite in the NF/ST areas that he feels I'm too emotional and I feel he's not emotional enough. Also, he can never seem to comprehend my intuition-as it's just not logical to the ESTJ. But, if you are really interested in making it work just be yourself. ENFJ's love the INFJ's heart and compassion. I remember when I met him I just forced myself to be a little more outgoing so we could get to know each other. There was great chemistry there and I'm sure you'll find that too. -- Anonymous
A9 What the hell am I supposed to make sense of this? -- Mike
A10 I think the best way for you to be able to recognize ESTjs quickly and accurately is for you to have a relationship with one. After I had a relationship with an ESTj, even though it didn't work out, it was like my senses were honed in on those kind of people. After knowing one, I knew exactly what to look for in a mate and instinctively chose my current partner, whom I dearly love. It can be surprising because they are so different from us and we can even be repelled by them. Trust your intuition - they are beautiful people on the inside and it often takes an INFj to see that because ESTjs often come off very abrasively. Basically, you need to fight your introversion when you can so that you can expose yourself to more people. When meeting a potential partner, be honest and be yourself. -- An INFj
A11 Being an INFJ female I often think "Yes, I can live on an Island by myself." Only 'cause I never feel by "myself." Being originally an INTJ, 20 years later an INFJ. It's very difficult for me to "want" to meet people to socialize. Also being an artist there's that desire to be introspect. Being older also. I have nothing against socialization, it's not something high on the priority list, unless it has to do with amoral standards and speaking out about it. People often say I am strong and fearless, but really just living my life in hopes of a higher awareness in society by any means of self expression. -- elliemay
A12 I really dont get why it is suggested that Estj`s and Infj`s make good couples, I know from experience that this is very wrong. Estj`s are nitpickers with practical things, things that an Infj does not care for much, yet the Estj keeps bugging the Infj about those things daily, I assure you that is extremely annoying. Another thing is Estj`s arent empathetic so good luck with that Infj... Estj`s are in general decent people, I have nothing against them, but I would never want to be in a relationship with one (again), been there 2 times, thats enough. Im with an Enfj now and its the best relationship Ive ever had by miles! We understand eachother almost without words, its wonderful. -- Anonymous
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A13 I'm an INFJ female in a marriage with an ESTJ male. We have 2 young children. We were married in 07/09 and met 08/07. Life has not been "easy" but it also has never been boring or status quo, and i appreciate that our relationship has special meaning and depth that i dont see in others' relationships. We actually met via Adult Friend Finder when i was going through an exploratory phase in college and through just our first dates/encounters we knew right away that we wanted to be with each other in a committed relationship. I was not sure at the time that I wanted children, and I was quite sure I didnt want a traditional family/home life, but i adapted and reconciled and bent my will when needed to make us work. I have plenty of examples of married couples (similar personality types, opposite types) who dont stay together for the long hall, so it was very important to me that we could work together, stay together, prove the haters wrong and continue to have a loving, committed, improving relationship. We have conflicts over stupid things, such as where we should eat when we go out to eat on a date (we have fought over this SO much), and we often have parenting conflicts (he is much more heavy-handed with our two-year-old who is going through his terrible two's; i would much rather use tantrums as a teaching/bettering opportunity, and use heavy-handed punishment on a case-by-case basis. i want to listen to our son and assess the situation, rather than assume all acting out is a challenge to my authority as a parent). You sound like you're asking the question that you are because you have an ESTJ in mind already that you have been thinking about for a while now. He doesn't seem to notice you. But from one INFJ to another, I would re-evaluate your options. I really, truly, love my husband, and he really, truly loves me (I believe), but our marriage and our life together is a lot of work. It is very taxing. I barely have any time to myself (we own a house, have pets, I work full time and am the main bread-winner, and we have 2 children under the age of two. the only thing that saves me during the week is their bedtime; they go to bed at 8:30 and my husband works the night shift, typically not making it home until 11:30. that is the only solitude i have all day!). What he appreciates most about me and us is that I give him a lot of personal care; i make him feel special. But i am tired after a day's work; if i dont sex him up frequently enough (like we did when we first met), he thinks i am not interested in him anymore. That makes me feel like sex is work, instead of it being the deep meaningful experience that brings us closer and makes our relationship stronger, which i know it to be. I want to, but in some sense have to, continue to show him my appreciation and do little things to take care of him and let him know he's loved. it's a constant thought/nagging feeling. He feels like i'm the first person that ever came along in his life to treat him right. he also is pleasantly surprised by my mind and appreciates my insight - although sometimes he is annoyed by it because he doesn't see the foundation or facts behind it. Then i have to explain my intuition. Bottom line, it's not easy, but it is entertaining and there is a lot of nuance to our relationship. This is our duo, though; You may be happier in a much different pairing, and it may spare you a lot of heartache when he seems indifferent at times. -- Anonymous
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