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ISFj Uncovered "Beneath the Sweetness"
by I/O

ISFjs are deeply sensitive individuals for whom the normal "give-and-take" of every-day life is a threatening, anxiety-producing affair and they usually hide from confrontations however minor. Instead, they will stew. Their feelings are easily hurt and they do not know how to verbalize their displeasure without "making a ...
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C44 When it comes to grudges and forgiveness, ISFJs are a complicated lot. As C38 put it, we are not quick to condemn someone. Much of the time, we are willing to give people a chance where others will quickly write us off. However, that great faith in others comes with a great price. We spend much time and energy trying to see the best in others. So much that when they break our trust, they truly fall hard in our esteem. The thinking is, "I've given you so many chances and tried so hard not to judge you, and yet you've thrown this s*** back at me for my troubles". We may even feel embarrassed and outraged that we have failed to see these people as screwups while our friends have evidently been much wiser than us. When that breach of trust extends to outright backstabbing, we become extremely outraged. That's because we have tried so hard not to cause unhappiness for the backstabber, yet the backstabber has not only disregarded our efforts, but gone out of his/her way to make life miserable for us. In that case, the backstabber becomes a mortal enemy. Therefore, in that sense, once we write someone off, we really write them off. However, that said, we also want to forgive others very badly. There's something about people that just can't stand conflict. And as a non-confrontational type, the ISFJ can't stand the thought of relationships left in the red. This is all the more so for friends. To the ISFJ, a friendship lost is a huge loss. In this way, we desire to give forgiveness and to seek it. Even so, desiring to forgive and being quick to forgive can sometimes be different things. Trust is difficult to mend. In that case, it may be very hard to speak to an ISFJ who's had his/her trust betrayed by a friend. So we very much want to forgive others, yet sometimes we feel too deeply hurt to do so quickly. So yes. When it comes to forgiveness, we are a complex lot. -- Anonymous
C45 As an ENTP with an ISFJ mother I have a special ability of bringing out the "uncovered". There is absolutely nothing I can do when she is in this state of mind. My logic is always ignored, and she takes over the argument. My INFJ is an angel, no problems for her. Best decision I've ever made was wanting to get a puppy, because it gets the attention off me. She will yell and scream at the poor dog though. The uncovered list is every negative trait of my mother. But she loves me. A lot. -- Anonymous
C46 I am a ISFJ, and for the uncovered I find it to be pretty accurate, especially when i am under a lot of stress. as an isfj, i know how hard it can be to take criticism, but people need to realize...that its not a personal attack, but a way to take the bad to understand it and improve yourself. so dont feel bad about yourself after reading an uncovered profile for whatever type you may be, instead try to understand it, address it and improve. its been really hard for me to try to not be so reactive, and lots of times, people take my tone of voice the wrong way because i put a lot of emphasis on certain words..haha but maybe thats just because im usually surrounded by alphas. oh well, anyways. i like this description. well i dont LIIIKE it. but its a good tool... -- traditionalist
C47 The article is very interesting but perhaps there is hope. I have been dating an ISFJ for about a year and a half now and I have not seen any of those tendancies. However, I think it may have been a part of his personality, but as he has gotten older, lived life and endured a failed marriage before ending it after many years, he has learn to do things differently. For example, as described he is very giving and yes others have taken advantage. But, I don't see him holding a grudge. He may not open himself up to be taken advantage of by the same person again, but on the other hand when that same person has a real need he will help. I have seen him do this many times. As far as criticism goes, many times we have talked and I would give a different perspective on an issue and he has embraced it. Welcoming the advice as something to be used for personal growth. In fact, without noticing it I have influenced him in many ways. It was only known to me as a side bar conversation where I may say what made you do this or that, and he would recall an event or conversation of the past that he applied to his daily living because he knows it will be a benifit to him or a good habit to embrace. I haven't seen the controlling side either. He has told me that I was independent and stubborn. Being the INTJ that I am, I denied it, but I was surprised to find out that, that is indeed part of my personality. But when I asked him to explain further, he said he liked my independence and drive...in fact he found it attractive and hopes his young adult daughters would be just as assertive in their careers, relationships, and life in general. When I asked him to explain the stubborness he said it was not a criticism. Instead he understood my point of view. He stated that he sees me as being kind, giving, and compromising, but when asked to do something that is of great value to me, he couldn't blame me for being "stubborn" and holding on to my sense of self or what I feel defines "me". He said he totally understood that and he would most likely do the same thing in a simular situation (actually we have found that we think alike in most ways and our plans and goals in life now and in the future are the same). I have noticed that he can worry or have anxiety about little things, but again when I put it in perspective (only sometimes because I am not trying to change him), he welcomes it and makes the effort to apply it. When talking to others his tone can come off as authoritative (something I admire) but I can easily tell by the content of the conversation that he is not trying to control the person or the situation...its just the way he express himself when passionate about something (good or bad). Usually he is holding a person accountable to actions that may hurt someone. I admire it because most people may see something totally wrong or unfair or even degrading to another human being and yet never say a word. He will use wisdom on when and when not to say something, but when he does the authoritative tone makes people move. I tease him all the time about it and he has never taken offense. He may say "but I was polite and just asked them to....." and I will say yes your words were very polite, and tackfully place but your tone to the listener(s) was authoratative. You can say "hey there cute little kitty" this way or "HEY THERE CUTE LITTLE KITTY" another way (not that he is screaming, I just didn't know another way to make my point). We often laugh about it. But he told me that a lot of times over the years that he has spoken to various people and never really understood why they were offended. I told him it was not the content just the tone. But me being me, I can define or tell the difference. There has been times that we have not agreed on things, but he has never tried to change my mind, control me, or hold a grude. Instead my opinions are respected. He also told me that he never use to speak up or express himself and that he was painfully shy. But one day he decided not to live like that anymore and chose to express his feelings and by doing so it relieved his anxieties. I was surprised because I have never seen that side of him that doesn't express. With that said, I think the article is valid, but I share because even though he is a true ISFJ, he is very perceeptive about his strengths and weakness and he is very open to personal growth within himself and with our relationship (I think its that committed martyr side that drives him to want things to work for him and us at the most optimal level possible). INTJ -- Anonymous
C48 Very interesting! The ISFJ type description sounds just like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. -- Anonymous
C49 C48 No, I was married to one "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and he happened to be an ESFP. A few years after marriage I couldn't understand what was wrong with him. After stumbling across the disorder reading a book, I realized that was him. He was so textbook that I baffled the doctors who just wanted us to get counseling. Then the light bulb came on and they started listening to me. I think it goes far beyond personality type (if it matters at all). His upbringing, environment and abuse made him what he is today. My daughter is a ESFP and she is a totally different person (in other words no personailtiy disorder). So I think you just got to go deeper than the 16 types. -- Anonymous
C50 this is really interesting to me. Im an isfj and was even more so before finding all of this personality stuff out. this description fits really well with the stereotypical nature of my more "immature" isfj side, but these past few months ive been trying to well round myself out and the last 3 tests i took said i was and INFJ... -- ISFJ
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