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ESFj uncovered "When It's Not Perfect"
by I/O
The partner is a reflection of the ESFj so must also strive to be perfect. Unfortunately, the more the partner offers in attributes, the higher the ESFj raises the standards; therefore, a partner is doomed to be imperfect in the eyes of the ESFj. One can take solace in the fact that advice rolls so easily off the tongue ... of the ESFj as to how the partner could become a better person. The ESFj is certainly not shy about expressing the way things should be, and may readily see faults in others without recognising any in him or herself.
The ESFj is always seeking complements because of a need for a lot of positive affirmation in order to feel good. They're overly status conscious, and interested in how others see them and their family. Anything the children do reflects on the ESFj. If things do not go well, retribution is swift. They tend to be dependent on their partners and marry to insure that they have a proper place in the social strata. If the partner is not a good provider, the ESFj can whine, nag and brood incessantly over a comparison of her possessions with those of others.
The ESFj is usually quite popular and good with people, and good at controlling and manipulating them. If all else fails, the ESFj will stoop to guilt manipulation. The ESFj just five minutes ago was casting disparaging remarks about the person to whom she is now being sweet, a true chameleon pleasing to everyone including the enemy. However, their lack of intuition prevents them from seeing the real consequences of their manipulations.
The ESFj doesn't have any strongly felt internal values but does espouse popular opinion. They often defer to higher authority as the source of opinions and attitudes. If bank robbing was popular amongst friends, the ESFj will try to be perfect at it. In weighing their values against society, they find plenty of support for whatever moral transgression they wish to justify. All ESFj have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. They are driven to manipulate others to achieve their own ends; yet they can always convince themselves that they are following a solid moral code of conduct.
The ESFj is overly sensitive, often imagining bad intentions when there aren't any. They can't seem to deal with change, conflict or criticism. Being prone to insecurity, they focus all of their attention on pleasing those that give them security. Their need for security drives their ready acceptance and adherence to the rules of the established system, whether it is bureaucratic, religious or gang related. They seem to blindly accept rules without questioning or understanding them.
The ESFj is easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions frequently boil over with the vexation of their souls; and they can channel emotions into moving dramatic performances. Under stress, the ESFj can become very critical, finding fault with almost everyone and everything, and ignoring the feelings of others. The ESFj senses danger all around - germs, the elements, sinister character flaws, etc. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. The ESFj can also cause tension by expressing anticipations of gloom and doom, exhibiting a bent toward the pessimistic that can be contagious.
They're not likely to enjoy having to do things, which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They live in terms of people and things rather than in terms of ideas and principles. And, some may on occasion misinterpret their detail-conscious, pragmatic realism as indicating a lack of intellect, imagination and flexibility. However, if scorned, they can become spiteful and because they are keenly aware of others and their emotional needs, the ESFj really knows how to hurt a person.
EDIT: [One aspect I failed to point out: the ESFj needs to continually dump their woes and frustrations on his or her partner like a purging or cathartic act so the partner has to have broad shoulders and thick skin - hence, a reason why INTj pairing works. -- I/O]
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C70 I am quite relieved to read some of these comments and I appreciate the breadth of experiences and perspectives here, from mature ESFJs and others. I am an ENxP and have had two room mates (female) who I am pretty sure are ESFJs, based on my close-quarters experiences with both. I think that an odd sense of competition eventually arose between us and both times my experience was that the ESFJ friend was trying to shoulder me out of the social circle to maintain (or create) their social position. I tend to get along with people easily. I like to just do whatever I want and be friends with whoever I like. The notion of manipulating or misrepresenting another person for my own gain is incredibly distasteful to me, so when I witness or experience this it makes my blood boil. However, it only seems to come up where the ESFJ perceives a social threat from me and they kind of lockdown the relationships they think are most important. For example, exclude me, trivialise my role or input, or make a point of subtly showing off their closeness or standing with key people or that special person, going on a charm offensive etc. (To be fair I also use the charm offensive at times so whatever). It's a massive headf- until it's not. I'm with C66 on the clarity and C65 for the social perspective. As a learning experience, observing my esfj friends in groups where they feel less secure, it is a lesson in how to fit in and be accepted. This is interesting, but as my own person this practice would chafe long before I got any leverage.. The grizzling about others who they're actually close leaves me nonplussed, especially when the next day I suddenly perceive that they're near besties or get along fine. To a point where I was wondering if complaining was actually their love language. Either way that picking on someone's flaws without considering what's happening for them builds a foundation for mistrust - ESFJ would totally die and or go to war if I was to talk sht about them behind their back, so how does their behaviour excuse the same? I began to wonder if there is some kind of inner circle trust / outer circle fair game dynamic. There is another element which some have touched on and it's the unwillingness (Fear?) to apply independent perspective to a situation. I understand that there are upsides to this, in that they are oriented to external systems and that can be productive But personally? The ESFP roomie canvasses friends for an opinion on what I see as the most trivial things (or, status-important things) to a point where i have to wonder if they are actually trolling or throwing red herrings everywhere while they get on with whatever social machination is really in the inbox. I stopped giving thoughtful responses after I realised that it was a kind of game, losing patience with a process that appears to be pretty self serving. I am particularly sensitised to this as my social experiences are that of not fitting in, so I have worked really hard on being fully ok with just being myself and trusting my own deas and thinking. So it's doubly confusing when someone effaces their own opinions literally just so a bunch of people will accept them (and what does that say about that bunch of people too). I can't exist in the same social group because I can sense them sizing me up and doing a SWOT analysis on my personality. Outside that, if I was in the party business and needed a Maitre D' / Relationships Manager out on the floor, I'd give them the job every time. Just not the personal relationship. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the history repeats dynamic, at the moment. Trying to get a compass direction on it all. -- Anonymous |
C71 You perfectly described my horrible ESFJ mother. I am an INFP and she abused me in every way possible too. -- Anonymous |
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