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ESFj uncovered "When It's Not Perfect"
by I/O

The partner is a reflection of the ESFj so must also strive to be perfect. Unfortunately, the more the partner offers in attributes, the higher the ESFj raises the standards; therefore, a partner is doomed to be imperfect in the eyes of the ESFj. One can take solace in the fact that advice rolls so easily off the tongue ...
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C1 Are you sure this describes an ESFj and not an ESFp? -- Peter
C2 C1: I think that it is ESFj, but I also think that the latter half could be worded more precisely because it is too broad and easy to jump to alternate meanings that are not meant by the writer. -- Jadae
C3 Why would someone with a "strong sense of justice" be "driven to manipulate others to achieve their own ends" and even consider "bank robbing"? This doesn't mesh. -- Peter
C4 @C3. Maybe because it is supposed to be "uncovered" and ESFjs are not exactly non-contradictory? -- Dr. Zoidberg
C5 @C4 What is your type, Dr. Zoidberg? -- Peter
C6 If I told you, I'd have to kill you -- Dr. Zoidberg
C7 I don't know Zoiberg's type but I have considered ENFj. -- econdude
C8 I don't know what I/O's type is, but mine is INTp and I have seen ESFjs behave just the way it has been described here. I suppose me being their conflictor would have certainly coloured my perception of them. Apart from what is mentioned, I would like to add they are very artistic. But forcefully so, say unlike an INFp, who are mellow in their approach. Surprisingly, the ESFjs I have seen are obsessed with cleanliness, just like is written about INTps (that they wash their hands many times). Do conflictors, somewhere, share attributes which play out differently and are caused by different worldviews but have the same results? -- Anonymous
C9 why is the esfj referred to as a 'she'? -- Anonymous
C10 That was my mistake; it should have said 'he or she'. However, I have not observed a male ESFj so the article is likely lacking in that respect. What I wrote were characteristics that I have confirmed by my own observations of several female ESFj. Others wrote some of the phrases that I used but I agree with them. -- I/O
C11 This looks like a quickly put together cut and paste job from some of the myers-briggs books which have been published previously. I'm sorry to say as a result it offers no new insights. As to the author admitting they haven't yet any ESFJ males yet, then you haven't looked hard enough, they are everywhere! -- karen
C12 Karen, I ask you along with others to give your opinion on the accuracy of the actual perspective, and to add your own insight; I meant the article as a means to inspire dialogue about applicability to the Socionics type. I was expecting to see criticisms on the actual information. From my own perspective, I thought the information was accurate even for Socionics; I actually observed the behaviour. I’ve dated and been friends with many ESFj, and was married to one so I’ve been up close and personal. -- I/O
Moderator's comment
Article updated.
C13 The ESFJs I know are very driven and active and scornful of people who are more laid back and lazy and this comes out as being martyrish, e.g. 'I do everything for this family!' They always have to be doing something and if they relax they fall asleep. They usually ensure they are well groomed and have a smart though unindividual sense of style. -- RubyENFP
C14 I guessed this type to be my best friend's, whom I have known for 5 years now, and then I read the sounds like her. Sweet as anything until you do something that doesn't follow her agenda...very manipulative if she doesn't get her way. They must love manipulatable INFP's who have a hard time saying no. -- Anonymous
C15 I am an ESFJ. My whole house is a complete mess. I have kids in their teens - they all love me very much. I never nag my kids. I am very conscious of the fact that I want my kids to be individuals. I did create a meditation tape for them which contained positive affirmations and told them that everyone loved them. They listened to this tape at bed time until they were about 11, 10 and 7 and I think because of this they have an inner peace and a quite confidence. My kids and all their friends really like me. I love children. I am married to an ISTJ (who has never done a Myer-Briggs test). My best friend is ENTP and she is very laid back and lazy, but then so am I! We have been friends for over 20 years. I do not follow fashion - I have my own sense of eclectic style - and everyone complements me on the way I dress. I cannot resist a bargain. I am not manipulative and I am not competitive. I love to tell stories which my kids love and they tell me their friends enjoy listening to as well. My 15 year old who is either an ENTP or ENTJ says that out of the whole family I am the least grumpy or agressive. I would definitely agree with the fact that I love a complement, but nowhere near as much as my ENTP friend. I seem to attract very domineering friends who like to walk all over me and I do have a lot of trouble defending myself. I have learnt that the only way I can cope is by reducing the time I spend with them when they are in a bad mood as I am not good at confrontation (a very ESFJ trait). I avoid conflict at all cost. As for my partner I am ever so greatful that he loves me more than anything else in the whole world. We have been through thick and thin together. He is loyal and dependable. He works very hard. I do not criticise him. My moto has always been "do not say anything unless you have something nice to say". I am definitely a hoarder. I am not afraid of criticism and am able to laugh at my own short comings. I am the eternal optimist and not really afraid of anything. I have always been happy go lucky. I am always smiling and laughing at everything, but I am also someone that people like to confide in. I have an IQ of 140 - I was given an IQ test every year in my early school years as I was a dreamer and spent all my time looking out the window. I agree that most people would not assume I was overly intelligent only because I have always hidden my intelligence. I think being humble is a very important trait. I definitely love dealing with people and things. Until I had kids I never read any fiction books unless forced to at school only non-fiction - on how to make friends and get along with people. I had very few friends at school. When I went to university I did a very male dominated course and had lots of friends. -- Anonymous
C16 This is very true of ESFjs when they get nasty. 2 thumbs up -- anonymous
C17 This is more of a type description then a uncovered description. A uncovered description i thought would tell me what that person tries to cover up because they realize they are weak and unstable in that function, hence the name uncovered because they try to hide , disguise, or get strong in that function. I would think because the ESFj 7th function is his weak and unconscious function is he would try to hide it or overcompensate so it wont show as a weakness to other people. An uncovered article maybe should describe how manifests itself in an ESFJ's life and how that type attempts to deal with it with some examples as if to give us some new insight into the inner workings and motivations of an ESFJ. Every type has its weaknesses and that is the key to intertype relationships because types subconsciously migrate to other types that helps it satisfy its hidden agendas and give them help in the areas they find themselves weak in by the fact that type is strong in that area. -- baydog
C18 Wow, I'm an INTj who was married to an ESFj for 19 years. This is her to a T. She quickly married a man who provides her with $ which to her equals security. Center of attention and always seekeing compliments. Loved the part about making the person who provides them security the target of their affection. -- Darik
C19 My wife is an EFSJ, and I am an INTP. We have problems, because she craves frequent conversation and social activities, while I crave solitude and quiet. To the extent that the relationship does work, it seems to depend on my allowing her to sound everything off of me and my nearly always going along with her plans, wishes, and tastes, suppressing or putting off my own. She seems to be entirely lacking in self-reliance and always needs corroboration from me and others, but at the same time insists on her own way, becoming hypercritical, aggressive, manipulative, and deceitful if she doesn't get it. At the same time, she is quite conscientious, responsible, and dependable. She is also ceaselessly active, and often adopts the martyred stance another post mentions. However, while she is always either hyperactive or exhausted-rarely in-between-her high energy is usually dissipated on what strike me as peripheral matters, while I tend to concentrate on what I think are the most important things, and pretty much ignore the rest. This leads to conflict, where she feels she has too much and that I don't do enough, while I think I consistently do what is really necessary, reserving the rest of my more limited energy for other things than what I see as her luxuriously bloated and self-centered agenda, which she expects me to support. How do others handle the interaction between these two personality types? -- Chris
C20 Thank you C15! =) -- Anonymous
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